angry, scared and tears

"Your eyes to me say...angry, scared and tears". That's what my psychiatrist said to me today, and he is right on.

Today was a very frustrating day. First of all, I did not fall asleep last night, so I was beyond exhausted. I was running on nothing. No fuel in my body, and no sleep. I went to my therapy appointment this morning. It was so frustrating and I left so angry. I felt that my therapist was not understanding what I am feeling, and she was trying to tell me why things are the the way they are. And I disagreed with her on most everything she said today. I was kind of a bitch to her when I left, but later apologized and explained how I am just so frustrated with everything right now, mostly myself. She said there was no need to apologize and that she cares about me and wants to be there for me in any way she can.

And then I went to my psychiatrist appointment. It was a really, really good session. I was able to vent and express everything that is going on. All my fears, all my doubts, all my concerns. My psychiatrist has become a person that I trust and have been able to open up to, and I like that. I know he genuinely cares about me. He put me back on 20mg of Prozac (I'm not too entirely happy about it, but I'll give it a try). He says if things don't turn around with my eating disorder in a couple of weeks, then I need to start calling treatment centers. Yikes.

So then I left that appointment, had "lunch" with a friend (I say it like that because all I had was coffee and a few bites of my salad). And then I went to work, and I am just now getting home. I don't know how I made it through work. I seriously was on the verge of a massive panic attack/hyperventilation the whole night. It was a combination of lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and extreme stress and I turned to my manager at one point and said, "I think I'm about to pass out, I'm not lying". I went to the back and sat on the chair and had some water, cried some, took deep breaths, stood up and got back to work. I cannot tell you how hard it was to keep myself together, to keep myself from hyperventilating and sobbing. My heart was racing.

So here I lay in bed...so exhausted I can barely keep my head up. My psychiatrist prescribed Seroquel to help with the sleep. I hope it works. I need sleep, I need good sleep. I had dinner tonight. It was safe, safe enough that I didn't feel I had to purge it. So I guess that is a good step.

Tomorrow I have work at my other job for the lunch shift, and then an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her (she is the most amazing woman I know), but also very hesitant and nervous. I don't know what to expect. I will be sure to update after that appointment.

But for now, I will drink the rest of my Bedtime hot tea, and fall asleep.