I am so done with this disease. It has ruined so many aspects of my life, and even though I am in recovery, it still infects my mind. I hate the person it makes me want to be; selfish and deceptive. I hate how I have to be sicker than everyone to feel like my struggles are validated. I hate admitting that because I am so ashamed of it. My lowest weight still isn't "enough" in my eating disordered brain. The fact that I basically tried to kill myself and was in the psychiatric hospital for 5 days and then inpatient treatment for 45 days still isn't enough to my ED. I could have lost more weight, I could have tried harder to kill myself, I could have purged more, I could have exercised more, etc. I make excuses for why I wasn't sick enough. There are so many people who have been so much sicker than I was. They are more deserving of this treatment I am receiving.
But, each struggle is individual and personal. And I know in my heart that on February 10, 2011 I reached the lowest of the lowest for me. I know that I couldn't have survived another day. So, why do I keep wanting to hit rock bottom harder than I did in February? I have not fallen back into those same behaviors and I really have no intention of doing so. I wanted to be perfect at my eating disorder, and now I feel like I want to be perfect at recovery. I know it's unreachable and unrealistic. But I still feel like I want to try to be perfect.
I really want to scream right now. It's like total chaos in my head right now. Go away ED.
I LOVE this post! and more than that, I LOVE to hear the conviction and hope in your words! I am proud of you for wanting recovery and being willing to do whatever it takes but - just remember "progress, not perfection."
ReplyDeleteI understand your wanting to be perfect at recovery but that could be damaging and when you feel like you are failing... might push you a little towards the ed... but again, I am proud of you and all your hard work!
You are a STRONG woman and I know you can do this! ;)
It's a hard journey you are on. I too had my lowest of lows this year, about a month earlier than you and spent about 45 days in inpatient as well. Every day can't be a good day, even in "normal" life... but when the good days outnumber the bad, that's when things are going the right direction!
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how I feel so many of the same things you do and have similar torturous thoughts dancing in my head. It's all so insane...the power we give ED. As long as we know it's ED in our thoughts rather than reality, I think we are doing better than before. Trying to achieve ultimate perfection in all we do or don't do is so tiring. We need to find strength to leave the insanity behind. I'll pray for us both and all those who struggle along side of us that a higher power greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity.
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