Feelings

In group this week we talked about feelings and relationships. So exciting, right? Well, it was exciting in the sense that it brought up a lot of stuff I haven't ever really allowed myself to think about. We drew a diagram that had to do with the important things in our life and how we feel about them. When I drew my family, I realized that they mostly make me feel bad and they drain so much energy from me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But they drive me crazy and I have always felt like I didn't belong and someone was always mad at me. Part of that used to be true, because I was very manipulative and lied a lot with my eating disorder. But I am doing so much better now and feel like I have proven that they can trust me. I just feel really angry when I am around them. I am the black sheep of the family, this is a fact, I always have been. And I just...I don't know I guess I don't feel close to them. And yeah I know that that is wrong, but maybe I just need to accept that is how it's going to be. But I don't want to bash my family, that's not what I am trying to do. Because they have provided me with so much and I AM very thankful for all they do, especially my parents.

I am physically and emotionally drained this week, I think it's just work catching up to me, plus the heat. I have been sort of a mess this week. Crying all over the place, forgetting to set my alarm, etc. Also, I have been struggling with meals too. I hate saying that, I really do. It's not that bad. It's not out of control. It's not like I'm skipping meals every day or purging. I am just having a really hard time finishing my meals and I get so anxious. It is super frustrating. And I need to get back on the right track.

I have therapy tomorrow morning and I totallllly am going to go in there tomorrow and bawl my eyes out. I know I have been crying all week, but I need to cry with someone and process the emotions as they come out.

Less than a week until the beach, and that's all that matters!