I am trying so hard to stay composed and peaceful on the inside, but inside I am screaming so loud. I don't know what's wrong, everything feel so wrong. I am so obsessive about everything, the way my clothes fit, the way my hair feels, the way my hands feel, the way the books upstairs are on the bookcase. Like it's just nuts. If I could I would pull all my hair out and jump up and down. Where is this coming from? I have no idea. I'm just about to lose it. I'm smoking cigarettes again, ugh.
I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm going to look at my weight. I pray to God it hasn't gone up again. I will be sad if it stayed the same, and relieved if it went down..but not down too much. I wish I could just go poof! and accept my body.
My team had a dive meet today. One of my kids hit his back on the board and I jumped in to get him. He was fine. Just a little shaken up. I almost burst into tears myself because I knew how scared he was.
And...I'm just kind of irritated with therapy. It just makes me feel so crappy. I just don't even want to go right now. Maybe I will take a break.
On a very positive note...my very best friend Erin is officially coming to the beach with me and my family!!! SO excited!
aww, Holly, I'm sorry you feel this way :(
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be closer so we could get together more and talk about things. Don't worry if your weight has stayed the same; there are so many factors that go in to what the number on the scale says, so don't read too much into that. I know, I know; easier said than done. Maybe instead of taking a break from therapy it might be better to let your therapist know that you're not getting what you want out of your meetings and see if you can switch things up so it gets better. Just know that I'm here for you if you ever need anything; just call me any time and I'll answer and talk with you through things and try to help the best that I can. I can't wait until we go to the beach! Time is going to go by so slowly but it will totally be worth it in the end.
Love you and miss you,
Erin
I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but I think it is awesome you are still fighting with all you have. I admire you and a you are a true inspiration.
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