The title of this post says enough. Weight, body fat, weight gain, weight loss, scales...all of that sucks. I had a really rough dietitian appointment this week. My weight went up 2lbs in a week in a half. And now I am 4lbs above my weight range, and 9lbs above my ideal weight. FREAKING OUT was what I was doing in my dietitian's office on Monday. I was just...stunned. And then I got scared and confused. Why am I still gaining weight? I'm not taking supplements (nor do I need them) I don't think I'm eating any more than usual, if anything I have been eating a little less. Yet I continue to gain slowly. At the time of my appointment my dietitian didn't know why I was gaining weight (which freaked me out even more). She told me to send her the food journals I had been keeping for the past week and then she could see if she could figure it out through that. So I sent her my food journals and she told me that I need to start eating breakfast more and that will rev up my metabolism. I was not happy to hear this. Breakfast is the absolute hardest meal for me. I am barely eating it now, and in order for my weight to stop going up and possibly get back down to my normal weight, I have to eat breakfast every single day. I am just scared that eating more is going to make me gain more weight. But I guess I have to trust my dietitian and see where this takes me. It is so hard for me to get into the routine of waking up early enough to eat breakfast. So maybe going to the beach will help with that, and being around other people that eat breakfast will help as well. I KNOW that I am healthier than I have ever been, and that I am not destroying my body and that I am the happiest I have ever been. But it's so hard to see that when all these other facts are staring me in the face. Facts like...I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. My clothes are tight or don't fit. I have a muffin top, etc.
I wish so much I could accept my body. But it scares me that it's like this. I am having the hardest time staying positive with this.
My last day of work is tomorrow (since it's a seasonal job). It's pretty bittersweet. While I am glad to not have to work as often, I am so sad to be leaving this kids. They have brightened my whole summer. I could not be prouder of them. They have taught me so much about myself and the little things in life. They have made me realize the passion I have for working with kids. I have to figure out what my move is going to be in the fall as far as work goes, but I know I really want to work with kids in some way. I just love them so much!
So, Erin gets here Thursday and I could not be more excited!!! I cannot wait to see her face and hug her! Even though I just saw her in May, that's still a long time seeing as how we did every single thing together for 30 days. She gets here Thursday afternoon and after dinner I think we are probably going to go see Harry Potter, she has seen it but I haven't! Then we leave at 6am on Sunday for the 5 hour drive to the beach. God, I am so excited.
One of the hardest things for me (and still is sometimes) during my recovery has been when my team would tell me to "trust them" It can be scary to let go of some of the "control" and let other people guide you... but it might turn out to be exactly what you need sometimes (and for me, ALOT of times. lol) But I hope that you are able to try the breakfast thing. I know eating in the mornings can be tough, maybe try eating things that are easier for you like smoothies and such in the beginning until it gets easier.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the weight fear. My weight has had moments in recovery where it would start to creep up and I would freak out because I wasn't eating any diffferent. I have learned that our bodies know what's best for us (despite the fact that we think that WE do) and sometimes things like this will happen. But it ALWAYS seems to even out eventually.
If I could give you any advice that I have learned in my recovery it would be to trust your team and (deep breath) ... trust your body. I know that might sound impossible but it's not.
I hope you have fun at the beach and are able to relax and enjoy your time ;0
Keep on trucking! You CAN do this!