Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.
This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)
Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.
I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.
That's all for now.
I think you have discovered something about yourself that I have recently done as well.
ReplyDeleteI am a much happier me when I am on vacation. I am confident in myself, happier, and hopeful.
It sounds like you experience a similar feeling when you are at the beach. Remember the feeling and revisit it when things get difficult in your "real" life.