Loneliness

I have felt so lonely lately, emotionally and physically. I feel lonely when I am with people. In truth, I have always been lonely, or felt lonely. I know I have a great support system, but I feel so alone in my emotions and my thoughts. And lately...with my memories. It was just me and him in that basement, and in that empty classroom. I never reached out. I was alone with those memories and those experiences for many years. And even though I am talking about them now and sharing it with a therapist and some close friends, I still feel lonely. Everyone's experience with abuse is individual, and I know for me...it's such a lonely experience. Scary, sad, confusing..yes. But also lonely.

I've never been really close anybody. I think the closest relationship I've had with a person is my old therapist, which was also an unhealthy relationship. I've never had closeness. I crave it. I crave to be held, to sit on a couch and watch a movie with someone sitting beside me, to have a person to call when I am crying and feeling alone. I used to have a best friend, I don't think I do anymore. No one's fault...people just grow apart and in different directions. But it makes me sad.

I've been crying a lot lately...actually letting myself feel emotions...feel loneliness. I don't want to feel that way anymore though, especially when I know it can be fixed. Or can it? Am I incapable of being close with somebody? Sometimes I feel that I am.