I'm really depressed again. Maybe it's because I'm actually eating and not hiding behind my feelings. But I almost feel suicidal. It's scary. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I am going to tell her everything.
I don't want to get to the point where I have to go back to the hospital.
Trauma stuff is...so hard.
I cried for 10 straight minutes today in between jobs. I couldn't get myself to stop. It hurt so bad. My heart hurt so bad. There was so much pain and it was exhausting. I'm really tired of this life I'm living. I'm just really not patient enough to ride the waves of recovery. I wish I could find the words to describe how deep my pain and exhaustion is. It's just a really, really heavy feeling, and like my heart is being squeezed.
I'm so tired of it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
ER and other shenanigans
Exactly a week ago today, my friend Sarah was driving me to the emergency room. I had seen my dietitian 4 hours earlier and she was seriously concerned for my well-being. You see, I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink in 3 days. When she weighed me, her super duper special scale told her that I was severely dehydrated. I insisted I was fine (when I really felt like I was dying). She wanted to drive me home because she didn't think it was safe to drive myself, but again, I said I was okay. Around 10:30pm I was walking from my bathroom to my bedroom and all of a sudden everything got white and my head felt like it was spinning, I felt nauseous and on fire. I made myself sit down. After a few minutes, I felt strong enough to walk to my bed and sit down on it. I texted my friend Sarah, and in my gut I knew I needed to go to the ER. So I got there and they did vitals, EKG, took several vials of blood, and put in an IV needle. I didn't get a room until 1:30am. The doctor came in and I explained how this happened and that I had an eating disorder and blah blah blah. He wasn't very understanding or supportive, but whatever. I didn't really expect anything different.
He said my lab work came back and I had low potassium. I got pumped full of fluids to re-hydrate me and get my potassium level back up to normal. I had a TERRIBLE headache that was on day 5. I got a Percocet for that, as well as Zofran for my nausea. After the fluids were pumped into my body, I was allowed to go home. I was pretty loopy from the painkiller, and exhausted. I got home at 4:30am. I went straight to bed. This was on a Friday night/Saturday morning and I didn't feel back to normal until Monday night.
Since then, I have been eating much better and staying hydrated. I guess it was kind of a wake-up call. It scared me a lot. I still have the desire to restrict, but for the most part...I'm not. My parents were really mad at me when I told them what happened. My mom accused me of being needy, attention-seeking, and that I wanted people to baby me. This is why I never tell my mom anything.
I saw my dietitian tonight and she was so glad I went to the ER. She told me I had scared her so much. When I told her I had low potassium that night, her eyes got real big and she said, "you can have a heart attack from that, you do know that right?" I did know that, but don't think it would ever happen to me.
My therapist, who is amazing by the way, has been very supportive. I have been doing a lot of trauma work lately, and I think the anxiety from talking about it led to my behaviors last week that landed me in the ER. She is aware of this, and wants to be very careful and slow from now on when talking about trauma. She recognizes how much emotional pain I am in and just wants to take things session by session. I am perfectly okay with this, as I was so overwhelmed with everything last week.
I've started physical therapy for my shoulder and it sucks. It's hard and painful and it makes me sore and tired. My physical therapist says I have a lot of work to do with it, that it will never regain full strength. Super.
I am going to spend a weekend in October with my best friend Ashley, and we are going to do a NEDA Walk in Baltimore! I can barely contain my excitement. She is my other half and a part of my soul and I cannot wait to see her!
Not much else going on. Just the usual day to day things. My life is pretty boring.
He said my lab work came back and I had low potassium. I got pumped full of fluids to re-hydrate me and get my potassium level back up to normal. I had a TERRIBLE headache that was on day 5. I got a Percocet for that, as well as Zofran for my nausea. After the fluids were pumped into my body, I was allowed to go home. I was pretty loopy from the painkiller, and exhausted. I got home at 4:30am. I went straight to bed. This was on a Friday night/Saturday morning and I didn't feel back to normal until Monday night.
Since then, I have been eating much better and staying hydrated. I guess it was kind of a wake-up call. It scared me a lot. I still have the desire to restrict, but for the most part...I'm not. My parents were really mad at me when I told them what happened. My mom accused me of being needy, attention-seeking, and that I wanted people to baby me. This is why I never tell my mom anything.
I saw my dietitian tonight and she was so glad I went to the ER. She told me I had scared her so much. When I told her I had low potassium that night, her eyes got real big and she said, "you can have a heart attack from that, you do know that right?" I did know that, but don't think it would ever happen to me.
My therapist, who is amazing by the way, has been very supportive. I have been doing a lot of trauma work lately, and I think the anxiety from talking about it led to my behaviors last week that landed me in the ER. She is aware of this, and wants to be very careful and slow from now on when talking about trauma. She recognizes how much emotional pain I am in and just wants to take things session by session. I am perfectly okay with this, as I was so overwhelmed with everything last week.
I've started physical therapy for my shoulder and it sucks. It's hard and painful and it makes me sore and tired. My physical therapist says I have a lot of work to do with it, that it will never regain full strength. Super.
I am going to spend a weekend in October with my best friend Ashley, and we are going to do a NEDA Walk in Baltimore! I can barely contain my excitement. She is my other half and a part of my soul and I cannot wait to see her!
Not much else going on. Just the usual day to day things. My life is pretty boring.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
It's strange...
It's strange how 6+ months ago I thought I was moving beyond my trauma, even though I knew I was keeping a secret about it. Now, here I am going through it again. It's painful, scary, and overwhelming. Luckily, I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me through it. As well as a very understanding and supportive boss. Secrets keep you sick, and I was keeping a deep, dark secret. I think I'm on my way to healing, but right now it feels like my brain is exploding and my body is falling apart and everything causes panic. It's just not fair.
The eating disorder continues to be a monster in my life. Some days it goes away and I eat without thought and worry. Other days, the thought of food makes me sick and I choose not to eat. It's not about feeling fat, or being scared of gaining weight. It never was. It's the anxiety. The anxiety that is always there. I just want to be free of it, of all that holds me down.
I feel like I have to apologize for my disorders, for my issues, and for needing help. I feel stupid, unworthy, and undeserving, even though people tell me I am none of those things. My therapist said, "you aren't stupid, you are brave." And yeah, I am using an insane amount of courage right now to deal with my trauma. But talking about it still makes me feel stupid.
Physically, the anxiety is attacking my body. I tremble and shake all over. I've had a migraine for 5 days. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am having panic attacks. There is a huge amount of anxiety that I think is coming from the huge amount of emotions I am keeping inside. I need a release. I need to cry, scream, jump up and down, or something. I know this gets said a lot, but I literally feel like I could explode any minute.
But, day by day I somehow make it through. That's really the only way. Looking ahead a week or even 2 days will cause me even more anxiety. I am choosing to heal, to be honest, and to be brave. Day by day, I am surviving this.
The eating disorder continues to be a monster in my life. Some days it goes away and I eat without thought and worry. Other days, the thought of food makes me sick and I choose not to eat. It's not about feeling fat, or being scared of gaining weight. It never was. It's the anxiety. The anxiety that is always there. I just want to be free of it, of all that holds me down.
I feel like I have to apologize for my disorders, for my issues, and for needing help. I feel stupid, unworthy, and undeserving, even though people tell me I am none of those things. My therapist said, "you aren't stupid, you are brave." And yeah, I am using an insane amount of courage right now to deal with my trauma. But talking about it still makes me feel stupid.
Physically, the anxiety is attacking my body. I tremble and shake all over. I've had a migraine for 5 days. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am having panic attacks. There is a huge amount of anxiety that I think is coming from the huge amount of emotions I am keeping inside. I need a release. I need to cry, scream, jump up and down, or something. I know this gets said a lot, but I literally feel like I could explode any minute.
But, day by day I somehow make it through. That's really the only way. Looking ahead a week or even 2 days will cause me even more anxiety. I am choosing to heal, to be honest, and to be brave. Day by day, I am surviving this.
Friday, August 17, 2012
some things better, some things worse
This will be brief.
Food stuff is getting better. Not sure where my weight is, but probably not where it need to be. I've lost 10lbs since May. My appetite is back, and I have cravings. But my anxiety still prevents me from being able to eat when I want to and when I need to. That sounds like an excuse, which it's not. It's just...pretty bad with the anxiety right now so...eating is difficult. My dietitian isn't too happy about that.
Still haven't purged since I've been out of the hospital, so like...over a month I guess?
Therapy is hard and scary as SHIT. Doing a TON of trauma work. I know it's good for me, but I feel like a little kid again and I'm on edge with just about everything. Triggers all day long, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. I still have had no means of release of the emotions, the sadness and the grief. I am beginning to cry a little, but it's still stuffed way, way down in there. Luckily, my therapist is AH-mazing, and is being really great throughout all of this. She's seriously doing some serious saving right now.
I opened up to the mom I babysit for...about pretty much everything. She's been super supportive and super caring. I still can't believe how much I told her, but she's been awesome about it. She's invited me over for dinner a few days this week and to just hang out so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Caroline's 13th birthday and they celebrated tonight at PF Changs for dinner, and invited me to go with them. It was a lot of fun, and good to be around people who consider me part of their family.
I have been having a ton of sleep issues. I can't fall asleep at night, so I increase my sleep meds, but then I end up oversleeping or falling asleep at work. I don't mean a light nap, I am being completely knocked out. It sucks and I hated being tired all of the time. If I try and cut back on my sleep medication, then I can't fall asleep. It's a no win situation. My psychiatrist is out of town, which blows.
My shoulder is doing better. I don't need surgery. I no longer have to wear a sling. I have to start physical therapy, because I have very little strength and range of motion in my left arm/shoulder now. And I have to take a prescription anti-inflammatory. PT is such a pain in the ass.
That's about it. I'm getting by, but it's on a day to day basis. I can't look forward to a week from now or else I will have a panic attack.
Food stuff is getting better. Not sure where my weight is, but probably not where it need to be. I've lost 10lbs since May. My appetite is back, and I have cravings. But my anxiety still prevents me from being able to eat when I want to and when I need to. That sounds like an excuse, which it's not. It's just...pretty bad with the anxiety right now so...eating is difficult. My dietitian isn't too happy about that.
Still haven't purged since I've been out of the hospital, so like...over a month I guess?
Therapy is hard and scary as SHIT. Doing a TON of trauma work. I know it's good for me, but I feel like a little kid again and I'm on edge with just about everything. Triggers all day long, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. I still have had no means of release of the emotions, the sadness and the grief. I am beginning to cry a little, but it's still stuffed way, way down in there. Luckily, my therapist is AH-mazing, and is being really great throughout all of this. She's seriously doing some serious saving right now.
I opened up to the mom I babysit for...about pretty much everything. She's been super supportive and super caring. I still can't believe how much I told her, but she's been awesome about it. She's invited me over for dinner a few days this week and to just hang out so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Caroline's 13th birthday and they celebrated tonight at PF Changs for dinner, and invited me to go with them. It was a lot of fun, and good to be around people who consider me part of their family.
I have been having a ton of sleep issues. I can't fall asleep at night, so I increase my sleep meds, but then I end up oversleeping or falling asleep at work. I don't mean a light nap, I am being completely knocked out. It sucks and I hated being tired all of the time. If I try and cut back on my sleep medication, then I can't fall asleep. It's a no win situation. My psychiatrist is out of town, which blows.
My shoulder is doing better. I don't need surgery. I no longer have to wear a sling. I have to start physical therapy, because I have very little strength and range of motion in my left arm/shoulder now. And I have to take a prescription anti-inflammatory. PT is such a pain in the ass.
That's about it. I'm getting by, but it's on a day to day basis. I can't look forward to a week from now or else I will have a panic attack.
Friday, August 3, 2012
So basically...
There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
this and that.
I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.
Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.
I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.
I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.
My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.
It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.
Anyway, that's it with me. For now.
Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.
I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.
I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.
My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.
It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.
Anyway, that's it with me. For now.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hospital
On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.
When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.
So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.
My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.
I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.
Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.
When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.
So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.
My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.
I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.
Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.
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