thank you and update.

First of all, thank you to everyone who offered me support on my last post. It really means a lot to me, it means the world actually. I do not have any real friends here in Richmond, but to know that you guys are there for me...feels good.

I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy. I wake up crying. I cry at night. I sometimes cry in the middle of the day. This whole, only going to therapy every other week, is really throwing me. I wish I was stronger than this, could deal with this better and not be so FREAKED OUT. I'm not even sure why I am so upset about all of this. But I think I have an idea. Last week I had committed myself to fully working on my problems, especially my trauma. And while excited is not exactly the right word to explain how I felt about working on everything, I was looking forward to...working on things, and feeling better. And I know I can still work on things by going every other week, but it's not the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I feel defeated. I don't want to be such a negative person and be all depressed and sad and everything. But I feel scared.

Eating is not going well at all. It's either, I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, I can't eat, or I don't know how to eat. I know that last one might sound strange, but sometimes I really forget how to eat. I know this whole not eating thing is a result of...well of a few things. The recent change in therapy, stress at work, stress with money, abuse memories, etc. If I don't make some changes with this eating...like eating 3 times a day like my therapist told me...then this could get really bad. It's been almost a year since I had a full blown relapse and was at my lowest weight ever, which caused me to lose my job at the time. I don't want that. But gosh, the ED really is a friend sometimes. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for saying that. And yes, I know...it really is an enemy.

Ultimate frisbee semi's are tomorrow. So pumped! I'm the most competitive person, and if we don't win and make it to finals...I will not be a happy girl.

We had a hell of a storm here the other night. Knocked out a ton of power lines. We have our power back, but now our AC doesn't work. That's really...annoying.

I saw the movie Inception last weekend. I loved it so much that I am going to see it again today...by myself. My parents complained that I should be saving my money. But I really want to do something that makes me happy and feel good. I feel like I need it right now. I feel guilty for going against what my parents want but...I'm 22 years old...I can make my decisions, correct?

Anyway...that's my venting for the day.

i need support.

I don't usually do this, ask for support. But I really need it. If you read the post below this one you will understand why. Just to confirm it...I will be only going to therapy every other week right now, until I afford it once a week. I woke up this morning crying. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. So, I need any support I can get. Thanks guys.

here's what happened.

I headed off to therapy. In my last blog post I wrote about how shitty my insurance is and that it does not cover mental health services (including therapy). So anyway, that was weighing really heavily on my mind today and I talked to my therapist about it. She recommended that I somehow convince my parents to pay for me to go every week for a month to work really hard on trauma work, and then if they/I can still not afford it, we will have to do every other week. Okay, I am just freaking out at this point, internally...not letting it show. Also I told my therapist about my recent struggles with restricting. She said for me to journal about what I'm eating each day, or what I am planning to eat, and the feelings surrounding it and whatever is going on that day. Totally do-able. Then, she said I need to start eating 3 times a day. Freak out starts happening. I have been eating only once or twice a day for a while now (not full meals) and bingeing at night. I have been using my eating disorder to numb my emotions. My therapist kept saying to me, "this is not about the food. you are not freaking out about the food. you are freaking out about fully dealing with your emotions." While I know she is right about that, I still am freaking out about the food.

So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.

At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.

I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.

My goals:

-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.

This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.

crisis

Things are really shitty right now. I can't really type it all out because I am crying too hard. But I will update later. Right now I just want to vent and say that I hate insurance companies!

struggling

it's my birthday tomorrow, which makes me hate myself for writing this post. i should be doing well and happy and positive on my birthday right?

I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...

which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.

Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.

Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.

realize.

I'm crying. Big fat teardrops are rolling down my cheeks. It keeps coming and coming. In my head are images of my 22 (almost) years on this planet. The good stuff first. Going to the hospital to see my little sister when she was born, learning how to do a cartwheel for the first time, trips to the mall with my grandmother, visiting my cousins in Maryland, spending my summer 24/7 at the pool, getting really good at gymnastics and winning beam at nearly every meet i competed in, loving the feeling of flying through the air in gymnastics and diving, family vacations at the beach, halloween, christmas, blowing out my birthday candles...such good and fond memories. I was happy, a very happy kid. Sure I had my issues with ADHD, but I was happy and full of life and potential. Enter age 11. Images of my body being violated, hurt, and abused. My last gymnastics meet ever, in pain physically and emotionally. Why? My talent and potential were taken away from me. Who am I? Numb. Lost. Depressed. I found a new use for scissors. Not in a good way. Reaching out to anyone and everyone who would listen to me, except my family. Just wanting to destroy myself, what I've become. Looking at the bottle of pills. I want out. Psych hopsital, is this really happening? Food, my enemy. Staring at the porcelin bowl. Never happy with the scale. Remuda Ranch, the desert, life long friendships, but the ED has become my identity. Still do not know who I am. The next 6 years are a repeat of cutting, eating disorder, being suicidal, therapy, and being flat out miserable.

And here I am...4 days away from my 22nd birthday. For the first time...realizing...no, really really realizing...I am the only one who can change myself. That I have to do this. I want to have babies one day, fall in love, travel the world, have an abundance of friends, and grow old and happy. I finally WANT to do this. But I'm scared. It's hard to see the end, a happy end. I struggle with..."do i even deserve this?" Do I deserve happiness and peace, when I have just wasted my time and other people's time for so long? Oh God, I want it so bad. I am ready. I will do what it takes. I want better.

things i have to repeat to myself

"I am safe. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm 22, not 11 anymore."

"Breathe, just breathe, Holly"

"I can do this, it will be hard and it will suck, but I can do this"

"Trust your therapist, she will help you through this stuff"

"I have the courage to heal"

"Close the book on the session we had today (anytime we talk about abuse in therapy). You can open it up next week in therapy."

"Do safe things, take care of yourself, distract yourself"