struggling

it's my birthday tomorrow, which makes me hate myself for writing this post. i should be doing well and happy and positive on my birthday right?

I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...

which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.

Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.

Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.