realize.

I'm crying. Big fat teardrops are rolling down my cheeks. It keeps coming and coming. In my head are images of my 22 (almost) years on this planet. The good stuff first. Going to the hospital to see my little sister when she was born, learning how to do a cartwheel for the first time, trips to the mall with my grandmother, visiting my cousins in Maryland, spending my summer 24/7 at the pool, getting really good at gymnastics and winning beam at nearly every meet i competed in, loving the feeling of flying through the air in gymnastics and diving, family vacations at the beach, halloween, christmas, blowing out my birthday candles...such good and fond memories. I was happy, a very happy kid. Sure I had my issues with ADHD, but I was happy and full of life and potential. Enter age 11. Images of my body being violated, hurt, and abused. My last gymnastics meet ever, in pain physically and emotionally. Why? My talent and potential were taken away from me. Who am I? Numb. Lost. Depressed. I found a new use for scissors. Not in a good way. Reaching out to anyone and everyone who would listen to me, except my family. Just wanting to destroy myself, what I've become. Looking at the bottle of pills. I want out. Psych hopsital, is this really happening? Food, my enemy. Staring at the porcelin bowl. Never happy with the scale. Remuda Ranch, the desert, life long friendships, but the ED has become my identity. Still do not know who I am. The next 6 years are a repeat of cutting, eating disorder, being suicidal, therapy, and being flat out miserable.

And here I am...4 days away from my 22nd birthday. For the first time...realizing...no, really really realizing...I am the only one who can change myself. That I have to do this. I want to have babies one day, fall in love, travel the world, have an abundance of friends, and grow old and happy. I finally WANT to do this. But I'm scared. It's hard to see the end, a happy end. I struggle with..."do i even deserve this?" Do I deserve happiness and peace, when I have just wasted my time and other people's time for so long? Oh God, I want it so bad. I am ready. I will do what it takes. I want better.