here's what happened.

I headed off to therapy. In my last blog post I wrote about how shitty my insurance is and that it does not cover mental health services (including therapy). So anyway, that was weighing really heavily on my mind today and I talked to my therapist about it. She recommended that I somehow convince my parents to pay for me to go every week for a month to work really hard on trauma work, and then if they/I can still not afford it, we will have to do every other week. Okay, I am just freaking out at this point, internally...not letting it show. Also I told my therapist about my recent struggles with restricting. She said for me to journal about what I'm eating each day, or what I am planning to eat, and the feelings surrounding it and whatever is going on that day. Totally do-able. Then, she said I need to start eating 3 times a day. Freak out starts happening. I have been eating only once or twice a day for a while now (not full meals) and bingeing at night. I have been using my eating disorder to numb my emotions. My therapist kept saying to me, "this is not about the food. you are not freaking out about the food. you are freaking out about fully dealing with your emotions." While I know she is right about that, I still am freaking out about the food.

So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.

At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.

I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.

My goals:

-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.

This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.