A revelation and other things...

Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy".  To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing.  It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.

Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.

Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.

Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.

Heavy

You probably saw the title of this post and thought it was going to be about body image and how I feel heavy. While I am struggling with that, this is not what this post is about.

I am talking about the heaviness I feel on my chest and my heart as a result of the depression I am dealing with. Depression is something I have struggled with for 13 years. It's not new, but it's starting to feel really old and I'm exhausted. I, on some level, always struggle with a mild form of depression, but there are times that I go through periods of pretty severe depression. When I feel in constant crisis mode, in a panic, being a step away from needing to be in the hospital. The thoughts of suicide are up and down. I don't have a plan to follow through on any of those thoughts. But it's scary none the less, feeling so miserable that I just want out.
I returned to therapy this week and it was honestly the best decision I have made in a long time. While I am still hesitant to be going every week, just because I am so scared of it making things worse, I am going to force myself to go. I had a REALLY hard session on Thursday. There was just so much to talk about and process. I didn't feel worse after the session, but I didn't feel better either. I think it brought up a ton of emotions, because the rest of the day I literally felt like I was going to fall apart. There was such a heaviness on my chest, the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat. It was horrible.

 By the end of the day I was so emotionally exhausted. I had a mild panic attack, mostly due to being so tired. So I just decided to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. I haven't gone to bed that early since Remuda. I slept a full 11 hours and thought I would wake up feeling better. I woke up still tired but with a somewhat clear mind. And then today when I getting ice cream with the kids I was babysitting, that panic, that heaviness on my chest all of a sudden came back. I have no idea what triggered it but it was awful. There was no escaping the situation I was in. I was taking care of 6 kids in a public place. I couldn't run off to the bathroom and take a breather, I couldn't step outside, I couldn't go get in my car and drive home. I texted a friend. I took some deep breaths. It eventually passed, not entirely, but enough to think clearly again. I got off work and just wanted to come home and cry in the shower, just sob my brains out. But I couldn't cry. THAT is not a good sign for me. Some of my lowest points with depression consisted of not being able to cry, so I would self-harm instead. That scares me. I want to cry because it does help me feel better. And especially right now when I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. I started a new anti-depressant this week and I am hoping it will help with just everything.

My dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer this week, stage 1. She is having a surgery to remove it on Tuesday and will be treated with a new vaccine for it. The vet says it's good they caught it early, that if they are able to treat it that she will be able to live a full life. If it is not able to be treated, she will be dead within a year.

I am looking forward to going to church on Sunday, with my neighbor and her friend, and going out to brunch afterwards. I have been praying so hard lately. Spirituality is so important to me.

I'm just dealing with a lot and don't even want to get into what is going on with my eating disorder. It's beyond frustrating and confusing. I am having a horrible time with my social life/friendships. That is definitely contributing to the depression.

I basically mindlessly rambled in this post and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it did help to type it all out.

up and down back and forth

I've been using the word "limbo" a lot to describe my state of mine lately. I really can't think of a better word. It's so black and white with me. Yes I want recovery! No I don't want to do this anymore! It's beyond frustrating. I have small, quick moments that are full of hope and positivity and self-belief. But they are few and far between. It's honestly exhausting and maddening to try and write or talk about what I feel. I can't form a complete sentence about it, which is why I am SO hesitant towards therapy. I'm afraid I won't make sense, and I'm afraid that this cycle of relapse/recovery will forever be one I struggle with.

My eating is becoming more and more normal. I have not purged in 6 days, tomorrow will be 1 week without it. I do feel a TON better physically. I was really damaging my body fast by the purging, and I just knew I couldn't keep up with my job if I was to continue to do that, so that's ultimately why I stopped. But I think about it every single day. And I WANT to do it, but I'm not. I'm eating more normally, like I said, but my thoughts are out of control. I hate that. I hate the extreme guilt and disgust, the feeling like I am doing something wrong by eating right. My body image is terrible. The amount of comparing I am doing to other people is ridiculous. I feel like everyone is thinner than I am. Even though I know it's not true, I sometimes believe that losing weight will make things so much better.

I went to church this morning. It was a church I haven't been to before. It reminded me SO much of the kind of church I went to in Remuda. The songs and sermons were so similar. I found myself in tears during one of the songs. I was crying out for help from God, for Him to heal my heart and my soul, to help me help myself. It was honestly a very moving and uplifting and clarifying experience. I am so glad I went and I am definitely going to go back next week.

I am returning to therapy this week and I am scared beyond words. I trust my therapist, I really do. But sometimes I am worried that I am not getting what I need out of therapy and I'm worried that if I voice that to my therapist that she is going to disagree. I'm just nervous and don't know what to expect but I guess all I can do is go and give it a try and see how it goes.

I haven't felt AS depressed this weekend, simply because it's the weekend and I don't have the added stress of work and other commitments. But it's definitely still lingering and I have that feeling of being trapped in my brain, in my thoughts, with escape feeling so far away. I don't want this whole borderline suicidal business to continue. I feel like an annoying, weak, pathetic person for struggling with this.

I guess I will see how this week goes, try and keep up the no more purging. And...no more self harm. Oh yeah, I self harmed the other night. Haven't told anyone about that. Because really...what are they going to say? I don't want to hear it. Anyway. That's all I got for now.

Bravery.

I got brave tonight. I emailed my therapist and admitted I needed help, that I was scared, and even though I hated myself for reaching out to her, I trust her and need her help. It's so painful waiting for a response.

I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.

I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.

Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.

I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.

Things are improving, slowly but surely.

Stepping it up.

Things the past couple of days have been better. Well Friday was a complete disaster because I used ED behaviors, including purging. But yesterday and today had improvements. Today I actually ate like a normal person.  I had brunch, snacks, and dinner. I feel guilty because to me it felt like a binge. I guess deep down I know it wasn't a binge, but rather a normal amount. and it felt like a binge because it was the most I have eaten in a single day in about a month. Of course in my head I'm thinking, "oh my gosh I definitely just gained weight from eating that". Logically, we all know you can't gain actual body weight from one meal. But that fear was so real in my head. But I didn't even have an urge to purge. Which was actually nice for a change. Purging is so much more difficult than restricting because you have to plan around it. That it so stressful and exhausting in my opinion. I'm not sure what changed, if anything. I don't know if I'm more relaxed because it's the weekend, and once I go back to work tomorrow all the stress will come back.
I think since I have been restricting/purging so much, the urges to binge have increased. And I definitely have been bingeing and going through food at a not so normal pace. I feel really guilty and ashamed for that. And I know I know I need to eat more normally in order to prevent bingeing.
I'm having actual food cravings lately. It's scary. It makes me feel like I will be out of control if I just eat what I am hungry for. I think my hunger cues and thoughts about food and such are all over the place right now and it's kind of hard to distinguish what's coming from me or what's coming from my eating disorder.

I'm still set on taking a break from therapy. I think I made the right choice, even if my therapist doesn't. I trust myself that if I feel like I need to go back into therapy, then I will.

I've been thinking about Remuda a lot lately. NOT about going back, but just about my time there, especially the time I spent there last year. I am remembering things the staff said to me and things they helped me with. I have been going through my binders and my folders. I am just leaning on the strength I found when I was there and in the months after I came home. It's comforting. I made a playlist with all the songs we sang in chapel and all the songs we played in the lodge. I just find a lot of strength in remembering my time spent there, as well as a lot of hope. I need to remember why I don't want to go back there, but also remember what my time spent there gave me.

Well, I am trying to go to bed earlier these days. It's alright midnight and I've already taken my meds. So I should probably lay down and take it easy. I will update later on in the week.

Depressed

Today was a freaking awful day. I had therapy this morning and it sucked. I have been contemplating lately whether or not I should take a break from therapy. Because honestly right now it's just not doing much for me and I'm sick of talking about my feelings. So I made the decision today to take a break from therapy. I honestly felt SO much better after making that decision, which is weird. I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice, a week for the past 10 years of my life. The longest period of time I have gone without therapy is 3 months in those 10 years. I'm not saying that I am never going back to therapy. I think I still have a lot of work to do. But, right now I just need to step back and clear my head. My therapist seemed concerned, but said she put me down on her schedule for the week after next. I didn't say anything. I guess I will see how I feel next week without therapy and go from there. But as of right now, I am thinking of taking at least 3 weeks off. She says she thinks I need to be coming in every week right now.

I would love to be able to see my dietitian every week. I honestly have been finding our appointments SO helpful. I don't know why my dietitian sessions are helpful, and my therapy ones aren't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Or maybe it does? I don't know. The problem is I can't afford to see my dietitian once a week right now. So after our session next Friday, I am going to have to cut that back as well.

Last week someone asked me if I was depressed. I said absolutely not. Today I began to re-think that answer. And I have concluded that I know I am depressed. It's not debilitating. I still am able to function and go to work. But this depression is affecting my attitude, energy, patience level, and motivation, among other things. Obviously I know how to conquer this depression, but it's hard to remember what to do in the moment. Lately, I have had to have people remind me what to do. It's like I know somewhere in my head how to do this or what to do, but I don't automatically think of it. I tend to just stay stuck. That's so frustrating.

I got off work today and went to my parent's house. Which proved to be a bad choice. I felt annoyed and irritated and ignored. So I just left, without dinner and without talking to anyone really. I came home and attempted to hang out with my roommate, but my anxiety was at about a 9 1/2 at that point and I just needed to go to my room. I thought about reaching out to my therapist. But I couldn't because I felt like that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world....telling her a few hours earlier I didn't want/need therapy right now, and then reaching out for help a few hours later. It would have made me feel really stupid. So I didn't. Instead, I called my second mom and talked to her. She helped calm my anxiety, gave me an "assignment" to journal and eat something, and then call her back in an hour to check back in. It was accountability and that was freakin' awesome to have. She wants me to check back in with her tomorrow.

So, that's what's going on with me. It pretty much sucks. But I want to end on a good note and say that I talked to my favorite RR staff person today and she made me laugh and gave me some encouragement. And to hear her say (or rather read) that she believes I will get through this (after all she went through with me, seeing me through treatment two times)....just gave me so much strength. I wish I could have reached through the computer and given her a hug in that moment. 
And I've made it two days without purging. :)

Emotional

I had many "ah-ha" moments today. It's making me very emotional.
I had a conversation with the mom I babysit for today. She came home and she was telling me about how they (the family) were already looking for another dog (since theirs died suddenly on Saturday). I started crying because I obviously am sad about Tucker the dog passing away. It was such a shock and it was so sad because he was still just a puppy. And it made me think of my dog Lucy, who we had to put down about a month ago because she had cancer. And so it was just an enormous amount of overwhelming emotions. I started thinking about all the other things I'm struggling with right now, with my eating disorder and anxiety. For a moment, I almost spilled all of it out to "J", the mom. In that moment I just felt I need extra support. But I didn't want to make that conversation about me, and I didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want her to feel like because I was struggling with food that I wasn't fit to take care of her kids. So I didn't say anything.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. I was early, and her client before me cancelled, so I got to spend extra time with her tonight, which was nice and much needed. We talked about how I need to find some passion in my life, so I can get rid of the false passion I have for my eating disorder. I am going to try out a church near me, that reminds me a lot of the kind of music and sermons I heard at Remuda. I'm excited to try that out! And also my dietitian approved exercise for me. And something that I'm really passionate about is gymnastics. I was a gymnast, a high level gymnast, for many years and I just loved everything about the sport. So I am going to be taking some adult gymnastics classes starting in a couple of weeks. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Of course I have some anxiety about that, but I think it's going to really good for me.  My dietitian reminded me that life with an eating disorder is not a life. That nothing will good from come from continuing to use behaviors.

So after leaving our session, I felt hope and encouragement for the first time in weeks. I left with the attitude of, "I can do this".  I just pray that it's not a temporary feeling and that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling completely exhausted, that the glimmer of hope will still be burning inside of me.