my inspiration

So, my last couple of blog posts have been depressing and hopeless. I thought I was for sure headed for a relapse and I had begun to settle into a depression. But, I had a breakthrough a couple nights ago. I was talking to my friend Jamie about how hopeless and screwed up I feel. I told her I kept thinking about what Kim would say to me right now. For those of you unfamiliar with Kim...let me give you a little background. I met Kim 7 years ago the first time I went to Remuda Ranch. She was my dietitian. She had a reputation with the other patients for being tough and even mean. But I never have known her to be mean. She did practice a lot of tough love, but that was just what I needed at the time. Expecting Kim to have this tough exterior who could have made my time at Remuda really hard, I found out what a warm, loving and inspiring woman she was. It was extremely difficult to say goodbye to her when I was discharged from treatment. I cried so hard. I had come to believe in my true potential in life, with her help. I believed in myself again. For the next 7 years, I went in and out of recovery, losing hope over and over again. Back in February I entered treatment at Remuda Ranch for a second time. This time I was at the facility here in Virginia, but after 30 days there I transferred to the Remuda Life Program in Arizona, where Kim still worked. The reunion was amazing. It felt so good to see and hug Kim again...7 years later (after thinking I would never see her again). While she wasn't my dietitian this time around, I still considered her a major part of my team at my 2 weeks in Arizona. I frequently visited her in her office, where we would talk about so much. I still remember when she told me when she found out I had been admitted to Remuda again, how when she saw my admission weight she was proud of me for getting the help then instead of letting my ED get worse. It blew my mind when she said that, that she still remembered me after all these years, and that she was PROUD of me. One of my biggest fears is that she was disappointed in me for relapsing. But she said she wasn't, and I believe her. So, when I discharged from Remuda this time (and hopefully my last time) of course I was sad to be leaving Kim. I cried SO hard in the airport. I miss her every day. BUT (and getting back to the point of this post) I realized a couple nights ago, when things just did not seem like they were going to get better...that Kim would want me to fight. She would expect it from me. I could hear her voice telling me to fight, to pick myself back up, and move forward. That she believed in me, and knows I can do this. I'm crying writing this. And so I realized, I have to pick myself up. Get my shit together. I owe it to myself, first and foremost. But I owe SO much to Kim. And so I am doing this for her too. It's funny, out of all the people in my life right now...her voice is the loudest. I know what I mean to do now, and I want to do it. The day after this realization, I ate all 3 meals. No restricting, no skipping meals. I got my fight back. And it has continued. And I have no intention of going back.

Thanks Kim, this one's for you. <3