scared

I wish I could take a picture of my facial expression right now. It says...confused and scared and whatttt?

I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.

I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?