up is down

Well, I had an appointment with my dietitian today. I really, really thought I had lost weight. I had kept a food journal all last week while at the beach and pretty much ate 3 meals every single day, which is pretty huge for me. So I was really proud of myself and that maybe I had boosted my metabolism and my weight would go back in it's range. My dietitian told me how proud she was of me. I was all smiles...until she weighed me. My weight went up 2.2lbs in 2 weeks. Fuck. I lost it. I shut down. I didn't know what to say. I felt my throat closing up and the tears starting to form. My dietitian just said that my body is trying to decide where it needs to be. I left her office in tears. I feel so out of control. Will I ever stop gaining weight? My dietitian was trying to tell me that I'm not big. But I know I am. I have heard the comments people have said about how much bigger my boobs, my butt, and my thighs are. I jiggle when I walk. My thighs rub against each other when I walk. I mean, I am big. After being the small one all my life, I am not that anymore. And I felt it even more so at the beach, where there were two other people smaller than me.

After my dietitian, I forced down lunch. I didn't want to. But I know I needed to. I went and hung out with Mike. And that was a really good distraction. But I was so drained from all the shit going through my head that I got tired really, really fast. It makes me sad that Mike is moving to L.A. in a couple weeks. I will definitely miss him.

After a really rough day, I emailed my therapist and my dietitian with my thoughts. My therapist's response was amazing. She is so caring and so supportive and she made me feel a little better. She's on vacation this week but said I can email/text/call her every day if I want to. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and then group later in the evening. It will be good to have both of those tomorrow so I can get the support and safety.

My obsessive thoughts are really strong tonight and it's driving me crazy. I tried to go on a walk but it started lightening and raining. Dangerous. So now I am watching Intervention, and then when that's over I am going to climb into my bed and read. I am so tired.