I have made some pretty significant decisions lately. I have decided to cut back therapy to every two weeks. I really feel I do not need it every week at this point. That's not to say that if things get tough and I start to struggle that I won't go back to a once a week. I just feel I can get through a week without therapy right now. That's pretty huge for me to make this decision on my own. A part of me is terrified of a life without therapy. I mean, hello, I have been in therapy the past 10 years of my life. But I think that I also need to discover who I am outside of therapy and all of my issues. At this point I am only seeing my dietitian every week and a half/two weeks, I am pretty sure that is going to stay like that too.
My dietitian told me on Wednesday night that my weight has stayed the same the whole month of November. That's pretty exciting considering I have continued to gain weight since coming home from Remuda in March. I guess this is where my weight needs to be. It's kind of discouraging to hear that. I had hoped that maybe my weight was just trying to figure itself out and I would go back down to the weight Remuda gave me. But if I were to go back down to that weight then I would have to lose 10-15 pounds, and I just know that wouldn't be healthy.
My thearpist and I worked on a guided imagery exercise in my body image workbook yesterday. I had to describe what it feels like and looks like to feel imprisoned in my own body. What I get out of it and what I feel are the risks if I wasn't trapped in my body. It was a pretty cool exercise. My therapist thought I did a pretty awesome job too.
I am trying to brainstorm ideas of some sort of ritual I can take part in next week when my therapist and I visit the school where my trauma took place. I don't know if I should write a letter and leave it there or leave something else there, or take something from there, like a leaf or a twig or something. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!
Anyway, not much else is going on. I have been having problems sleeping lately. I just toss and turn all night and I don't wake up feeling rested. I see my psychiatrist next week and will talk to him about that.
Oh yeah I started a Tumblr so you should check it out! http://hollyw26.tumblr.com/
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Giving Thanks,
Well, I've been brainstorming ideas for this post for about a week. I think I am just going to make a list. I have SO much to be thankful for this year. I came so close to death many times this year, yet today I feel the most alive I have in 12 years.
This list is in no particular order.
1. My family: I don't really give them enough credit. They have loved me and supported me through my struggles this year. My parents took out a mortgage on their house to pay for Remuda Ranch. My sisters took out time from school and work to come to my Family Week. My dad pays for my health insurance and some other stuff too. But most of all I am thankful that they love me.
2. Two jobs. Having a job in America is a pretty cool thing right now. I work for an amazing family, nannying the three nicest kids. The parents are so amazing too. They all bring a smile to my face every time I see them, which is Monday through Friday. I also love my job at the resteraunt. It's like a big family there. Minus a couple people, I love my co-workers. My boss is amazing. I will never forget when I told my boss about being in the hospital and having to go away to treatment. He was so supportive and caring. And welcomed me back to work when I came home.
3. My support group. I started this support group at the beginning of the summer. It feels so good to be a part of a group of women who "get it". I come to this group every other Monday night and I just love it. I feel so loved and meaningful. I love supporting the other women as well, offering myself in any way they need me. My group leader is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's an old soul and I love her. This group has supported me during my hard times and applauded my successes.
4. My Soul Sisters. Also known as my Remuda girls, also known as my best friends. Also known as Erin, Michelle, Ashley, Jackie, Nikki, Lindsay, Buddy. Holy wow. I would not be doing as well as I am today without these girls. Not even close. They are my sunny days and my bright tomorrows. I love these girls more than anything in the world. I have never had such close, amazing, loving, best friends. Ever. Nothing compares to them.
5. My treatment team. My therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist...there are just no words. I owe so much to them. They have believed in me every single step of the way. They haven't given up. They challenge me. They help me feel safe. They love me and cheer me on. On the days that I can't find the strength to be there for myself, they are there for me. I simply would not be alive today, had they not been a part of my life.
6. My dogs. They make my heart happy. My dogs don't care what I look like. They love me for who I am. They make me smile. They make me laugh. I love to snuggle with them. They make my soul happy.
7. My close friends, Heather, Karen, Jamie, Emily, Sarah. I love them. They have supported me and loved me through everything this past year.
8. Remuda Ranch. I am thankful that they helped give me my life back. I was truly blessed that my parents were willing to pay for me to go there. Those 45 days brought me back to life.
9. Kathleen MacDonald. Look her up. She's amazing and is my inspiration.
10. Recovery. I am thankful that I chose recovery, that I chose to live. I am thankful for 8 months of recovery. I am thankful for the hope that I will one day be recovered.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
This list is in no particular order.
1. My family: I don't really give them enough credit. They have loved me and supported me through my struggles this year. My parents took out a mortgage on their house to pay for Remuda Ranch. My sisters took out time from school and work to come to my Family Week. My dad pays for my health insurance and some other stuff too. But most of all I am thankful that they love me.
2. Two jobs. Having a job in America is a pretty cool thing right now. I work for an amazing family, nannying the three nicest kids. The parents are so amazing too. They all bring a smile to my face every time I see them, which is Monday through Friday. I also love my job at the resteraunt. It's like a big family there. Minus a couple people, I love my co-workers. My boss is amazing. I will never forget when I told my boss about being in the hospital and having to go away to treatment. He was so supportive and caring. And welcomed me back to work when I came home.
3. My support group. I started this support group at the beginning of the summer. It feels so good to be a part of a group of women who "get it". I come to this group every other Monday night and I just love it. I feel so loved and meaningful. I love supporting the other women as well, offering myself in any way they need me. My group leader is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's an old soul and I love her. This group has supported me during my hard times and applauded my successes.
4. My Soul Sisters. Also known as my Remuda girls, also known as my best friends. Also known as Erin, Michelle, Ashley, Jackie, Nikki, Lindsay, Buddy. Holy wow. I would not be doing as well as I am today without these girls. Not even close. They are my sunny days and my bright tomorrows. I love these girls more than anything in the world. I have never had such close, amazing, loving, best friends. Ever. Nothing compares to them.
5. My treatment team. My therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist...there are just no words. I owe so much to them. They have believed in me every single step of the way. They haven't given up. They challenge me. They help me feel safe. They love me and cheer me on. On the days that I can't find the strength to be there for myself, they are there for me. I simply would not be alive today, had they not been a part of my life.
6. My dogs. They make my heart happy. My dogs don't care what I look like. They love me for who I am. They make me smile. They make me laugh. I love to snuggle with them. They make my soul happy.
7. My close friends, Heather, Karen, Jamie, Emily, Sarah. I love them. They have supported me and loved me through everything this past year.
8. Remuda Ranch. I am thankful that they helped give me my life back. I was truly blessed that my parents were willing to pay for me to go there. Those 45 days brought me back to life.
9. Kathleen MacDonald. Look her up. She's amazing and is my inspiration.
10. Recovery. I am thankful that I chose recovery, that I chose to live. I am thankful for 8 months of recovery. I am thankful for the hope that I will one day be recovered.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Monday, November 21, 2011
thoughts
I had group tonight. It was really good, although I felt like I was all over the place when I was sharing what's been going on the past couple of weeks. I got some really good feedback from the other women and from my group leader, who all told me how proud they are of me. It felt good to hear that. There was a new girl in group tonight who just got out of treatment. When she was talking I just saw so much of myself in her. I almost started crying when giving her feedback. I told her that I know it's SO hard right now, only being home a couple of weeks but it does get better. That she has to take it one day, one meal, one snack, one bite, at a time. I guess that's also something I really needed to hear to and maybe that's why I felt like crying. I gave her my phone number at the end of group and told her I am here for her if she needs anything.
A couple of the other women were talking about how they are are so sick of being sick and tired. I felt...I don't know...weird, when they said that. Because, I feel like I'm past that stage of being sick of being sick, but...I can't tell you how many times I've felt that way before, only to eventually relapse and resort to old habits and behaviors. Why is this time any different? I guess it just feels different than it has before. I keep waiting for the hope, and excitement, and positive attitude to die off. But it doesn't. So maybe this is it. Maybe I FINALLY am at the point where I'm never going to turn back to my ED. But like I said, I keep waiting for the good feelings to fade away and if they do, I don't think I will be all that surprised. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know...
I have been thinking about something lately. When I relapsed really bad last year, more around January actually, I felt that I needed more intense help than the once a week therapy I was getting. I felt I needed to go back to treatment. When I mentioned this to my parents, they seemed to blow it off and didn't think I needed it. When I got suicidal and went to the psych hospital, my psychiatrist seemed to be the only one who thought I needed to go away to treatment. My therapist thought maybe I just needed an intensive outpatient, or to go to Remuda Life and she told me my dietitian agreed. I have never asked my dietitian if that was actually her perception as well. Looking back, I really didn't give that much thought at the time. But now, when I think about it...I get really pissed off. I didn't seem to be "bad enough" for my therapist or my parents. But I certainly felt like I needed treatment. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had gone home when I got out of the hospital, instead of going straight to treatment. My parents finally decided I needed treatment when my psychiatrist told them I needed it. Apparently, my opinion wasn't enough. Even though they told me that if I felt I needed treatment, then they would pay for it, and they did. But it just makes me mad because this makes me have feelings of like...oh well I wasn't "sick enough" back then. My blood work wasn't bad enough, I didn't look thin enough, or purge enough, or cut enough, or skip enough meals. When I think like that, I want to go back to my ED and do it the "right way". Ugh, it just makes me feel crappy. Maybe I should talk about this in therapy or something?
Anyway...that's just my thoughts for the night.
A couple of the other women were talking about how they are are so sick of being sick and tired. I felt...I don't know...weird, when they said that. Because, I feel like I'm past that stage of being sick of being sick, but...I can't tell you how many times I've felt that way before, only to eventually relapse and resort to old habits and behaviors. Why is this time any different? I guess it just feels different than it has before. I keep waiting for the hope, and excitement, and positive attitude to die off. But it doesn't. So maybe this is it. Maybe I FINALLY am at the point where I'm never going to turn back to my ED. But like I said, I keep waiting for the good feelings to fade away and if they do, I don't think I will be all that surprised. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know...
I have been thinking about something lately. When I relapsed really bad last year, more around January actually, I felt that I needed more intense help than the once a week therapy I was getting. I felt I needed to go back to treatment. When I mentioned this to my parents, they seemed to blow it off and didn't think I needed it. When I got suicidal and went to the psych hospital, my psychiatrist seemed to be the only one who thought I needed to go away to treatment. My therapist thought maybe I just needed an intensive outpatient, or to go to Remuda Life and she told me my dietitian agreed. I have never asked my dietitian if that was actually her perception as well. Looking back, I really didn't give that much thought at the time. But now, when I think about it...I get really pissed off. I didn't seem to be "bad enough" for my therapist or my parents. But I certainly felt like I needed treatment. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had gone home when I got out of the hospital, instead of going straight to treatment. My parents finally decided I needed treatment when my psychiatrist told them I needed it. Apparently, my opinion wasn't enough. Even though they told me that if I felt I needed treatment, then they would pay for it, and they did. But it just makes me mad because this makes me have feelings of like...oh well I wasn't "sick enough" back then. My blood work wasn't bad enough, I didn't look thin enough, or purge enough, or cut enough, or skip enough meals. When I think like that, I want to go back to my ED and do it the "right way". Ugh, it just makes me feel crappy. Maybe I should talk about this in therapy or something?
Anyway...that's just my thoughts for the night.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Things are looking up!
Finalllllly, I can write a positive post!
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Rough couple of days
So, I've had a rough couple of days.
I saw my dietitian last night and I finally opened up to her about my trauma. She already knew that something had happened, but didn't know much more than that. She told me she would be there for me when I was ready to talk to her about it. Last night I felt like I was in a safe enough place to do that. Pretty much halfway through talking about it I started to feel sick to my stomach. I probably should have stopped at that point, but I didn't. I did really want to tell my dietitian about it, and I knew she cared and would love me and support me regardless. But I also felt like if I told her I couldn't talk about it anymore, then I would be letting her down. I don't regret telling her, and I really felt the love from her (as I do every time I see her). At the end of our session she weighed me. It really got to me because...well I've been weighing myself. And the scale I have in my house is obviously different than my dietitian's. And so the number I saw last night at our appointment was pretty different than the number I saw the day before. But my dietitian explained to me that the number I was seeing at home was probably more accurate because, when she weighs me I'm wearing clothes, it's the end of the day, I have food in my stomach, etc. But it still upset me. And it just pissed me of and I was like, "Fuck the number on the scale!"
So, at the end of our session my dietitian walked down the parking lot with me because I was her last client of the day. I was getting pretty choked up on the elevator ride down. And I saw her look over at me, but she didn't say anything. When we got out to the parking lot, she put her stuff down, pulled me into her and gave me a big kiss on my forehead (I love when she does that) and held me for a long time. I just felt so safe and so loved in that moment. Noting I told her about my abuse made her think of me differently or think I was gross or stupid. She consoled me and comforted me. It felt really good. I really needed that.
But on my drive home I realized I needed to stop somewhere and get dinner. I was still feeling pretty sick from talking about my trauma. I bought dinner, and I ate it. But then I just...I don't know I really had an anxiety attack. I can't even remember now what was going on, but I just felt like I SO done talking about my abuse. I was done. I just don't want to talk about it ever again. It just makes me feel like crap. And then I got REALLY pissed off. Like really mad. Not at myself, but at my abusers. I just wanted to scream like...what the hell, why did you do this to me, fuck you, you ruined me. And then..and I don't know why..but I got mad at myself. Well, I do know why, but I just don't feel like getting into it because it's going to make me feel like crap.
So at this point, I wasn't feel too safe. I wanted to either binge/purge, or self harm. I texted my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths and go to sleep. I tried both but my mind was racing. I ended up self-harming. <--- Fail.
So, I woke up this morning and I was really sick. My throat hurt really bad yesterday, but today it hurt even worse. My voice was really hoarse. I was congested. I felt feverish and achy. I went to work, ate breakfast (even though I didn't want to). Work was pretty slow, so that was nice. Then I ate lunch (even though I didn't want to) and went to my next job. My therapist had texted me and asked how I was doing today. I told her about the self-harming last night. She just made sure I had something to do tonight to make sure I was safe. I took my temperature at my babysitting job and I had a low grade fever. I called the mom of the kids because I didn't know if she wanted me to go home so I wouldn't get the kids sick or whatever, but she said to just let the kids play outside and she was going to be home early anyway.
So, I went to my parent's house after work and had dinner there and watched TV. This night has been a lot better. I've been pretty numb emotionally today, but maybe that's just because I'm sick. I really hope tomorrow is better...in all ways.
I heard a song today that I wanted to share with yall because it just touched me so much and has such a great message. It's called "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. Look it up! ;)
I saw my dietitian last night and I finally opened up to her about my trauma. She already knew that something had happened, but didn't know much more than that. She told me she would be there for me when I was ready to talk to her about it. Last night I felt like I was in a safe enough place to do that. Pretty much halfway through talking about it I started to feel sick to my stomach. I probably should have stopped at that point, but I didn't. I did really want to tell my dietitian about it, and I knew she cared and would love me and support me regardless. But I also felt like if I told her I couldn't talk about it anymore, then I would be letting her down. I don't regret telling her, and I really felt the love from her (as I do every time I see her). At the end of our session she weighed me. It really got to me because...well I've been weighing myself. And the scale I have in my house is obviously different than my dietitian's. And so the number I saw last night at our appointment was pretty different than the number I saw the day before. But my dietitian explained to me that the number I was seeing at home was probably more accurate because, when she weighs me I'm wearing clothes, it's the end of the day, I have food in my stomach, etc. But it still upset me. And it just pissed me of and I was like, "Fuck the number on the scale!"
So, at the end of our session my dietitian walked down the parking lot with me because I was her last client of the day. I was getting pretty choked up on the elevator ride down. And I saw her look over at me, but she didn't say anything. When we got out to the parking lot, she put her stuff down, pulled me into her and gave me a big kiss on my forehead (I love when she does that) and held me for a long time. I just felt so safe and so loved in that moment. Noting I told her about my abuse made her think of me differently or think I was gross or stupid. She consoled me and comforted me. It felt really good. I really needed that.
But on my drive home I realized I needed to stop somewhere and get dinner. I was still feeling pretty sick from talking about my trauma. I bought dinner, and I ate it. But then I just...I don't know I really had an anxiety attack. I can't even remember now what was going on, but I just felt like I SO done talking about my abuse. I was done. I just don't want to talk about it ever again. It just makes me feel like crap. And then I got REALLY pissed off. Like really mad. Not at myself, but at my abusers. I just wanted to scream like...what the hell, why did you do this to me, fuck you, you ruined me. And then..and I don't know why..but I got mad at myself. Well, I do know why, but I just don't feel like getting into it because it's going to make me feel like crap.
So at this point, I wasn't feel too safe. I wanted to either binge/purge, or self harm. I texted my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths and go to sleep. I tried both but my mind was racing. I ended up self-harming. <--- Fail.
So, I woke up this morning and I was really sick. My throat hurt really bad yesterday, but today it hurt even worse. My voice was really hoarse. I was congested. I felt feverish and achy. I went to work, ate breakfast (even though I didn't want to). Work was pretty slow, so that was nice. Then I ate lunch (even though I didn't want to) and went to my next job. My therapist had texted me and asked how I was doing today. I told her about the self-harming last night. She just made sure I had something to do tonight to make sure I was safe. I took my temperature at my babysitting job and I had a low grade fever. I called the mom of the kids because I didn't know if she wanted me to go home so I wouldn't get the kids sick or whatever, but she said to just let the kids play outside and she was going to be home early anyway.
So, I went to my parent's house after work and had dinner there and watched TV. This night has been a lot better. I've been pretty numb emotionally today, but maybe that's just because I'm sick. I really hope tomorrow is better...in all ways.
I heard a song today that I wanted to share with yall because it just touched me so much and has such a great message. It's called "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. Look it up! ;)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Stolen from Erin
I stole this idea of a blog post from my friend Erin. Hey Erin!!! I just thought I would do a more relaxed and upbeat blog post for once.
Ten Remuda moments
1. Trail rides with Dude
2. All of the theme days we had. Hat day, Pajama day, crazy hair day, beauty pageant.
3. Meeting the most amazing people
4. Everything MaryLou said or did
5. Bananagrams
6. Coming into our house after meals and sitting by the fire because it was so effing cold outside
7. Table games!
8. Strawberry chex mix
9. Going on pass to Five Below, Panera (which I'm sure they chose just because of me) and Cold Stone
10. Being knocked out by Neurontin
Ten favorite movies
1. 28 Days
2. You've Got Mail
3. The Breakfast Club
4. State of Play
5. Center Stage
6. Soul Surfer
7. Blue Crush
8. Contagion
9. 50 First Dates
10. Inception
Ten favorite gymnastics moments
1. Nastia Liukin winning all around gold in 2008 Olympics
2. Magnificent 7 winning team gold in 1996 Olympics
3. Alicia Sacramone winning gold medal on vault at 2010 world championships
4. Sabrina Vega making 2011 world championship team
5. Shannon Miller winning gold on beam at 1996 Olympics
6. Carly Patterson winning all around gold at 2004 Olympics
7. USA winning team gold at 2007 and 2011 world championships
8. Amanda Bordon's beam routine at team finals at 1996 Olympics
9. Kerri Strug's gold medal winning vault
10. Dominique Moceanu's floor routine at 1996 Olympics
Ten places I want to visit
1. Hawaii
2. Germany
3. France
4. England
5. Australia
6. Grand Canyon
7. Greece
8. San Francisco
9. Italy
10. South Africa
Ten favorite foods
1. Watermelon
2. Pizza
3. Guacamole
4. Craisins
5. Brunswick Stew
6. Greek Yogurt
7. Apples
8. Steamed white rice
9. Dark chocolate
10. Peanut Butter
Ten favorite TV shows (past or current)
1. Golden Girls
2. Chelsea Lately
3. Sex and the City
4. ER
5. Intervention
6. Ellen Degeneres Show
7. Mercy (too bad it was only one season)
8. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
9. Seinfeld
10. Law and OrderSVU
Ten most memorable moments in my life
1. Entering recovery from my eating disorder and all my other struggles
2. Winning LIS field hockey championships my senior year of high school
3. All of my accomplishments in diving, especially winning championships my final season
4. Visiting the Carribean for the first time
5. Wilderness Adventure Camp
6. Flying to Arizona. The view is amazing.
7. Getting my dogs, Lucy and Sophie
8. Hearing Kathleen MacDonald speak for the first time
9. Visiting New York City for the first time
10. My first encounter with Dude, my horse at Remuda
Ten websites I visit the most
1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. Gmail
4. Blogspot
5. Tumblr
6. TMZ
7. International Gymnastics Forum
8. YouTube
9. Playlist.com
10. Pandora
Ten favorite things to do
1. Exercise/sports
2. Write
3. Be outdoors
4. Laugh
5. Give hugs
6. Crafts
7. Go the beach
8. Be with my best friends
9. Listen to music
10. Play with my dogs
Ten things I don't miss about Anorexia and Bulimia
1. Losing my hair
2. Being cold all the time
3. Fighting with my family
4. Not being able to sleep
5. Vomiting blood
6. Lying and being secretive
7. Hating everything about myself
8. Wanting to die
9. Hardly ever smiling or laughing
10. Believing that I was never going to get better and I was going to die from my disease
Ten Remuda moments
1. Trail rides with Dude
2. All of the theme days we had. Hat day, Pajama day, crazy hair day, beauty pageant.
3. Meeting the most amazing people
4. Everything MaryLou said or did
5. Bananagrams
6. Coming into our house after meals and sitting by the fire because it was so effing cold outside
7. Table games!
8. Strawberry chex mix
9. Going on pass to Five Below, Panera (which I'm sure they chose just because of me) and Cold Stone
10. Being knocked out by Neurontin
Ten favorite movies
1. 28 Days
2. You've Got Mail
3. The Breakfast Club
4. State of Play
5. Center Stage
6. Soul Surfer
7. Blue Crush
8. Contagion
9. 50 First Dates
10. Inception
Ten favorite gymnastics moments
1. Nastia Liukin winning all around gold in 2008 Olympics
2. Magnificent 7 winning team gold in 1996 Olympics
3. Alicia Sacramone winning gold medal on vault at 2010 world championships
4. Sabrina Vega making 2011 world championship team
5. Shannon Miller winning gold on beam at 1996 Olympics
6. Carly Patterson winning all around gold at 2004 Olympics
7. USA winning team gold at 2007 and 2011 world championships
8. Amanda Bordon's beam routine at team finals at 1996 Olympics
9. Kerri Strug's gold medal winning vault
10. Dominique Moceanu's floor routine at 1996 Olympics
Ten places I want to visit
1. Hawaii
2. Germany
3. France
4. England
5. Australia
6. Grand Canyon
7. Greece
8. San Francisco
9. Italy
10. South Africa
Ten favorite foods
1. Watermelon
2. Pizza
3. Guacamole
4. Craisins
5. Brunswick Stew
6. Greek Yogurt
7. Apples
8. Steamed white rice
9. Dark chocolate
10. Peanut Butter
Ten favorite TV shows (past or current)
1. Golden Girls
2. Chelsea Lately
3. Sex and the City
4. ER
5. Intervention
6. Ellen Degeneres Show
7. Mercy (too bad it was only one season)
8. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
9. Seinfeld
10. Law and OrderSVU
Ten most memorable moments in my life
1. Entering recovery from my eating disorder and all my other struggles
2. Winning LIS field hockey championships my senior year of high school
3. All of my accomplishments in diving, especially winning championships my final season
4. Visiting the Carribean for the first time
5. Wilderness Adventure Camp
6. Flying to Arizona. The view is amazing.
7. Getting my dogs, Lucy and Sophie
8. Hearing Kathleen MacDonald speak for the first time
9. Visiting New York City for the first time
10. My first encounter with Dude, my horse at Remuda
Ten websites I visit the most
1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. Gmail
4. Blogspot
5. Tumblr
6. TMZ
7. International Gymnastics Forum
8. YouTube
9. Playlist.com
10. Pandora
Ten favorite things to do
1. Exercise/sports
2. Write
3. Be outdoors
4. Laugh
5. Give hugs
6. Crafts
7. Go the beach
8. Be with my best friends
9. Listen to music
10. Play with my dogs
Ten things I don't miss about Anorexia and Bulimia
1. Losing my hair
2. Being cold all the time
3. Fighting with my family
4. Not being able to sleep
5. Vomiting blood
6. Lying and being secretive
7. Hating everything about myself
8. Wanting to die
9. Hardly ever smiling or laughing
10. Believing that I was never going to get better and I was going to die from my disease
Friday, November 11, 2011
Bad night
I am having a horrible night.
I am really depressed. I think my OCD is popping up too. I really want to clean the entire house top to bottom but I feel like that would make me feel worse because I would get exhausted and just get frustrated because I couldn't do it good enough.
I have tried things tonight to feel better. I took a bubble bath. I felt okay for a little bit. But then I got depressed again. I put on my favorite show, but it didn't make me laugh like it usually does. I tried to text my therapist and one of my friends, but it's late so I'm guess they didn't answer because they are asleep.
All I can think of doing is self-harming.
I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't try and kill myself, but in moments like these, death seems so much better. I hope I don't scare people by saying that. But it's just these moments get me down SO much.
Self-harming would not solve anything. Maybe I would feel better for an hour, but after that I would just feel worse.
I want to cry. But I feel like that's all I've done the past couple of days. I'm just so sick of it.
Everything feels wrong and out of place and I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs.
I went to a surprise birthday party tonight. It was pretty miserable. I barely ate anything, which means I didn't have dinner tonight. I feel awful about that. I was not hungry. And I'm still not hungry.
My head is pounding. Probably because I have allergies and I haven't eaten that great today.
I hope this weekend that I can start to feel better.
I'm so sick of this shit.
I am really depressed. I think my OCD is popping up too. I really want to clean the entire house top to bottom but I feel like that would make me feel worse because I would get exhausted and just get frustrated because I couldn't do it good enough.
I have tried things tonight to feel better. I took a bubble bath. I felt okay for a little bit. But then I got depressed again. I put on my favorite show, but it didn't make me laugh like it usually does. I tried to text my therapist and one of my friends, but it's late so I'm guess they didn't answer because they are asleep.
All I can think of doing is self-harming.
I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't try and kill myself, but in moments like these, death seems so much better. I hope I don't scare people by saying that. But it's just these moments get me down SO much.
Self-harming would not solve anything. Maybe I would feel better for an hour, but after that I would just feel worse.
I want to cry. But I feel like that's all I've done the past couple of days. I'm just so sick of it.
Everything feels wrong and out of place and I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs.
I went to a surprise birthday party tonight. It was pretty miserable. I barely ate anything, which means I didn't have dinner tonight. I feel awful about that. I was not hungry. And I'm still not hungry.
My head is pounding. Probably because I have allergies and I haven't eaten that great today.
I hope this weekend that I can start to feel better.
I'm so sick of this shit.
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