breathe breathe breathe

So here's what happened yesterday.

Yesterday in therapy, I told my therapist what happened (about the abuse, from what I remember) from beginning to end. She asked me to. It was one of the hardest things ever. I have never said all of it out loud before, I have always written it. So it was extremely extremely difficult, just to get the words out. And then when I finished telling it, she asked me to tell her again. I told her I could not do it, that I was going to throw up. She told me to take deep breaths and that I could do it. And so I did. Again, one of the hardest things I've ever done. After telling it for the second time, I was seriously about to throw up, and so I told her that. She walked with me to the end of the hall to get a drink of water from the water fountain. I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall over. She rubbed my back as we walked down the hall. I felt better after the water. After that we talked about things completely unrelated. But I was trembling from head to toe. She talked me through deep breaths. A couple hours later I found myself in fetal position on my kitchen floor sobbing. Why did he do this to me? Why does it affect me this much? Why can't I pull myself together? I called my therapist, told her I was scared, that it was the hardest therapy session of my entire life. She said that going to work later would be a good distraction, and I could call her when I got home if I needed to. Well, I got off work at 10:30pm and was a mess, crying and what not. I called her and she told me I was so brave to do what I did today, and that I was going to be okay. I told her about my anger towards him, and she was so proud that I was finally feeling that anger. I went to bed straight after that convo. I woke up this morning, feeling like yesterday really didn't happen. I'm pretty sure I dissociated during part of the session. I'm just glad today is a new day. And that yesterday is over. And I'm going to work on my breathing (deep breaths) and I'm going to get through this.