heat

I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.

The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.

The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?

I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.

It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.

Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.