I haven't felt much anger about the abuse, but I am slowly beginning to. Today has been an angry day. Forgive the curse words.
WHY THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT TO ME? I am so MAD that he did those things to me. That he deliberately and violently abused my 11 year old self. He is the reason that i have nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, panic attacks, severe anxiety, etc. Fuck him. What did I do to deserve that? I am so mad at him. I hate him for what he did to me. I had so much potential at 11, and I feel it was all taken away. He took something from me I didn't even know that I had. ( from an Ani DiFranco song). He caused me to not feel safe, that's not on me, that's on him. And he fucking got away with it. I am so pissed.
I am so sorry for whatever happened, but your anger is absolutely justifiable and understandable. Sometimes it's helpful for me to channel my anger into getting better and proving that I'm strong, despite the shit that's happened to me. I lost my virginity in a way I would not have chosen- raped by my first boyfriend. I don't think I've really made peace with the situation (especially since it was a major trigger for my ED) but at least I can say I'm a stronger person now because of it (having to overcome it). I struggle most with accepting and believing that it actually happened to me. It seems bizarre.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel strong too. Keep writing, things do get easier xoxo
I wish I could take all that pain and those memories away from you. You didn't deserve ANY of it! I hope you know that. I hope you believe that. And I admire your courage and strength to fight for yourself, your future, and your life!
ReplyDeleteI love the title of your blog - just breathe - and I think that is what you NEED to do right now as you are dealing with all the shit from the past. Just try your best to BREATHE THROUGH IT. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time... you can do this!!!
It hurts now. But it won't always hurt. Once you are able to break through this wall and over to the other "recovery" side - this will all be in the past.
He CAN'T hurt you anymore. You are safe now. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but you are.
Hugs,
jenn