Defeated

I had the following conversation in my head tonight. Well, it's not really a conversation, as it was completely one sided. I guess this is just the way I'm feeling these days.

I'm so tired. I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy. My life is so messed up. I am miserable at my jobs, just so depressed. While I am eating like a semi-normal person and I don't have eating disordered thoughts, I stress out about money every day. It takes too much energy sometimes for me to clean my room, take a shower, or do laundry. Waking up in the morning I immediately look forward to getting off work so I can get back into m bed. My family drives me absolutely insane. And I'm still the person I've always been to them. Different, annoying, weird, exhausting. I have no local friends. I never go out. I go to work, and come home. That's it. I don't have enough money to spend on myself. I don't even having enough money to buy my friends and family Christmas presents. I hate the cold weather more than anything and the upcoming holidays aren't doing a damn thing to help my depression. I'm as lonely as I've ever been, I think. I wish my best friends Ashley and Michelle lived closer to me. I'm doing the hardest, most draining and exhausting work of my life in therapy processing my trauma. I'm so pissed off because I never wanted those things to happen to me. I never asked to be sexually assaulted. I didn't choose those things. I NEVER really had a chance in this world, not for a happy life. I've never been happy. It's always been taken away or damaged.
I WANT to live. I want to have that chance. I want to be happy. I feel like somewhere deep inside me, I believe that I am somehow supposed to be, and that I'm not supposed to be this dried up, pathetic, 24 year old nothing, who has never accomplished anything in her life. I really want to live. If I took my own life, I KNOW people would be sad and miss me, especially certain ones I think about quite often. I would never, ever want to hurt them or disappoint them. And, I would never want to leave them. My treatment team, my two best friends, my second mom, the family I babysit for, Sophie, Grady, and my roommate. I never, ever want to hurt them. It breaks my heart to think of them being so sad. So I really do want to live, but I CANNOT see myself as happy, at peace, or full of life. I am exhausted of the same old shit in my life that goes as far back as I can remember. I've always felt differently, acted differently, suffered differently.
I cannot believe that there is better for me out there, that it's going to happen for me.
I am not suicidal, even though this post may suggest otherwise. I am just hopeless. I'm exhausted.

I have therapy in the morning. I am going to say all of this. I don't want to end back up in the hospital and I don't want to be suicidal. I need to know how to be more than all of this.

Hurting So Much

I am hurting so much these days. I feel so, so much sadness, grief, pain, fear, etc about my traumas. It literally makes me heart ache. I feel it in my chest and in my stomach. Sometimes I just want to scream. I love to write, it's one of my favorite coping skills. But lately that's been too hard because it makes me think about the pain. And I just want it to go away. It feels like it will never stop coming.

Flashbacks are becoming more frequent lately. I'm not sure why, maybe because Winter is when some of the trauma happened. I feel triggered by the smallest things, and it sends me into panic mode. I have had nightmares two nights in a row and it's left me almost non-functional.

I asked my therapist if we could increase our sessions to twice a week, and she is on board with that. So that helped me feel some relief. But it still hurts so much. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain.

I'm so scared of everything. I wish I could build a bubble around myself and not be in touch with reality.

I cried a little bit about my trauma last night. But not much, because it felt scary and I was alone and I don't want to be alone with those emotions. Night time is the hardest and I have trouble relaxing.

I know I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I just want someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight until the pain goes away.

If I just...breathe

I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.

I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.

I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger".  I've already bought it and started reading it.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.

I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.

Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.

Super Anxious

I have to write a blog about what's going on tomorrow, among other things. I am super anxious and flipping out about it. I should probably just go to bed, since I have to be up at 8am anyway.

So, tomorrow I have my annual gynecologist appointment. Shouldn't be such a big deal, but since I have a history of trauma, it's kind of really scary. My therapist is coming with me. Yeah, that might sound awkward, and it kind of feels that way. But in all honesty, I am so glad she will be there to help me through it, lead me through visualizations and deep breathing.
I guess what I'm scared of the most is some of the questions I have to ask my doctor. I feel stupid for needing/wanting to ask them, but at the same time...it's better to be safe than sorry, right?

I graduated from my eating disorders support group on Friday night. It was, surreal. I'm glad that my ED is no longer a huge weight on my shoulders, as I am already going through so much already. Each member of the group gave me affirmations and it was really cool to hear what they think of me. It made me feel pretty special. No, I am not recovered. I'm not sure what that word means or looks like. I do know that I have other things to work on with my ED recovery. Eating breakfast, no more restricting, eating through the anxiety, and a couple of other things. But it doesn't feel like this terrible disease inside me anymore. It's manageable . I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm a little anxious as to how that will go. Sometimes I think I am doing great with food, and then she asks what I've been eating and she tells me how it's not enough. I have been really anxious lately, so eating has been difficult, but not impossible.

Depression continues to be a struggle. Of course, some days are better than others. Sometimes I question how I make it through day to day. I guess I just survive, that's all I can do.

I'm feeling, very very lonely. I don't think I've gone out with a friend in a couple of months. It just makes me sad. I think I'm too depressed to try and go out and do things, unless I HAVE to do them. Please oh please, I hope I make it through this Winter without being hospitalized.

Bah humbug.

Darkness

I hate this time of year. Starting a couple weeks ago until warmer weather gets here, I absolutely loathe this time of year.

I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.

I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.

I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.

PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.

I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.

This Is What Healing Feels Like

I am in recovery from two things these days; my eating disorder, and my childhood and adult trauma.

The eating disorder recovery has been SUCH a roller coaster. I mean, I've never been able to go a full year in recovery without relapsing in all my 10 years of my ED. And this past summer, I pretty much reached a full blown relapse. I always thought the cause of my eating disorder was my anxiety, my depression, and other insecurities. What I didn't really realize until a month or so ago, is that it was what CAUSED the anxiety, depression, and insecurities that lead to my eating disorder.





What caused the eating disorder was the multiple traumas I have endured throughout my life. My version of coping with my traumas was restricting, binging, binging AND purging, counting calories, obsessing over my appearance and weight, self-mutilation, threatening suicide, and repressing memories.

The past couple of months I have began to fully deal with my trauma with a new therapist. I have been doing such hard work. It's been exhausting, draining, and terrifying. But it's also been immensely healing. For so many years, I used self-destructive behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings. But since a couple months ago when my therapist gave me permission to allow myself to feel sad, hurt, scared, and angry, I have been improving with my recovery from my eating disorder.

I no longer weigh myself. In fact, I am content with my weight, and it's healthy and natural. I don't count calories. I don't obsess in the mirror. I haven't self-harmed in a couple months. I haven't purged since July. I don't really ever think about purging. I don't worry about what I eat. I eat what tastes good, and am learning to trust my hunger cues.

It's weird to say this but...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eating disorder. Weird, but good!

Now I feel like I'm fighting this battle (and winning) with trauma related issues. It's probably the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. To be raw and vulnerable with my therapist. To work through memories, feelings, flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm having a hard time allowing myself to release the pain. Writing is helping though, and being in therapy. But I've rarely let myself cry. I have SO many new coping skills now that are actually very helpful. And sometimes, nights can be so scary and hard that I put in a phone call to my therapist on her cell phone, like I did tonight. I sobbed my heart out to my therapist over the phone. She knew exactly how to help me though. She talked me through it, let me know it was just a memory, just a wave that's going to eventually pass. She got me breathing again, did some guided imagery with me, calmed me down and eventually the wave passed.

I'm healing my mind, soul, and body these days.

Frustrated

I'm having a difficult time lately. I'm having some physical issues going on. I think I'm having some sort of hormonal imbalance or some sort of menstrual disorder. I'm just experiencing really weird symptoms such as, irregular period, bloating, mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, etc. I see my gynecologist in two weeks anyway because I have a check up (which I am FREAKING out about) so if I'm still having issues I will ask her about it.

I'm also having a lot of nausea. Usually when I'm nauseous it's because I'm anxious. But, I really don't feel anxious. The nausea is preventing me from eating, which is so frustrating because I WANT to eat. I don't really have eating disordered thoughts at all. Which, is kind of strange but nice. I emailed my dietitian about it a couple days ago, because I was worried about my well-being before I see her tomorrow. And she has had me write down my food and write down whenever I get nauseous. I'm sure she might be thinking I have a food allergy, which I guess would be an easy fix. I'm actually scared there is something wrong with my stomach. I have most likely permanently damaged my stomach from my eating disorder. I already have IBS, and acid-reflux, but I just worry it's something else too. Because I've never been this nauseous, for this long.

I'm also frustrated with my sleeping habits. I'm a chronic insomniac, have been practically my whole life. I tend to stay up so late, losing track of time and end up falling asleep at 3am. It's so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and then I sleep alllll weekend. I know this is probably depression. But, it's still frustrating.

I'm dealing with a lot of trauma crap right now, but I don't feel like writing about it tonight. I have a headache, and I'm exhausted.

I can't wait for therapy on Thursday.

Grieving

I had a really good, really intense, really thought provoking conversation with a new friend today. While I posted in my blog about a month ago how I didn't want to write about my trauma...I think I need to. Not in detail, not the specific memories or abusers, but my feelings. After all, that's what I'm kind of trying to process these days...the feelings, and the grief.

I'm letting a few tears out while I write this. It scares me to let it all out, especially sitting here alone on my bed. I know it would be better to let it all out, but I just don't want to hurt anymore. I've never been in so much emotional pain and distress in my life. During all of the abuse I endured, I dissociated, made myself go numb, and even in some instances blocked out the whole experience. And now I'm thawing. I know I have to feel it, to get through it. It just feels like it won't ever stop. People tell me, "You are going to be okay."
It's just hard to believe that when there is so much pain.

I often times curl up into a ball on my bed and wrap a blanket around myself, put on a song I listened to with my therapist once that now reminds me of her presence, and pretend someone is holding me, and that it's okay to hurt.

The pain can be paralyzing, the grief overwhelming, and the loneliness unbearable. Sometimes I just have to make myself sit with the grief and let it wash over me. Sometimes I let myself cry, even though I really don't know why I'm crying, just that there's an ache inside me to feel safe.

I used to let the eating disorder consume my mind, whether I was struggling or doing well. It was such a easy thing to let my mind wander to. These days my thoughts, feelings, and dreams consist of trauma. It's not a bad thing. It's not...hurting me or destroying me. It's just...so much.

My eyes are getting sleepy now. There's really no reason why I should be tired, since I slept most of the day. But I think my brain is tired.

Grieving is exhausting.

What's really amazing

Does anyone even read my shitty writing anymore? I'll keep blogging no matter what, I think. It helps.

I hope I don't jinx myself by writing this post.

What's really amazing is...feeling hopeful. Today I felt hopeful, like really hopeful, for the first time in months. I felt like, "oh my gosh, even though I don't see the end in sight, I totally feel like I will be okay in time". It was pretty powerful and emotional. And today for the first time in...gosh, probably years, I had energy. I wasn't tired. It's crazy!!! I had a really amazing therapy session this morning. And let me just say, my therapist is fucking awesome, and I totally wish she could move in with me. I left therapy feeling hopeful and energized and lighter. I told her about how at the doctor's last week, I saw my weight for the first time in a few months. And that I felt content with the number I saw, which was a healthy number. She got so excited and lit a candle for me to celebrate that huge milestone. I was talking to her about my appearance pre-Remuda 2011 and how I didn't realize how sick I had gotten, and that looking back now I can see how frail and close to dying I was. She said, "I can't even imagine what you looked like. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. But look at you now...You are beautiful." I smile just typing that out.

After therapy, it was off to work until 6:30pm. Work flew by without any major stress. I ended up dyeing my hair dark brown/almost black. I really love it, even though people tell me they can't notice a difference (which is kind of an insult to me). I wanted to change my hair color because I feel like my heart and my soul is going through a change also these days. I tend to be very symbolic.

I got home a couple hours ago, and felt tired and anxious for my drive up to Charlottesville for the NEDA walk tomorrow morning. I opened up an email from my therapist, in which she had written a reply to an email I had written her earlier today about how glad I was that I came to my appointment today. She responded with, "I'm glad too. You did a great job. You are working so hard and I'm glad you can feel the progress."
I guess I started to get a little bit sad because, well I'm still not really sure why. But I guess I felt a little bit guilty for having such a good day, when I have been so entrenched in my trauma lately. And so then I just got really overwhelmed and alone and I felt like I could cry my brains out and probably should, but there is something going on subconsciously with me, that I won't let myself cry. It totally sucks. Luckily I had a friend talk me through it.

Anyway, I'm just...really proud of myself for working so hard. It's not that I HAVEN'T worked hard all of these years, but I've just been extra brave and extra hardworking with the help of my amazing therapist.