hopeless

I had the worst night last night. I was pretty much suicidal.I came home after work and had one of the worst panic attacks/breakdowns of my life. I was hyperventilating so bad I almost passed out, and was crying so hard I could not see. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it but I think it was a combo of what I talked about in therapy yesterday and being really exhausted from work. I'm pretty sure I would have done something to harm myself if it wasn't for Sarah. Thank you for being such an amazing friend girl. I also texted my therapist (this all happened at 11pm last night) and she helped calm me down as well and told me to "please fight". I'm glad I did. I am feeling somewhat better this morning. I knew that if I just slept on it all that I would feel at least a little better when I woke up. I was right. Although, now I have to go to work for 7 hours. So, I will come home even more exhausted. Ugh. And then I have my cousin's graduation party later today, so I really can't sleep the rest of the day away. At least I have tomorrow off work, thank god.

I need some hope.

go away Ed

Therapy was good. We touched on the abuse, but not too much. We mostly talked about nightmares I've been having and how I feel about the abuse and my abuser now, as compared to a while ago. Things have changed. She says I'm making progress. That's hard to hear, because I don't really see it. Not all the way at least.

I got really emotional at the end of the session, didn't break down completely, but there were tears. I told her how I felt completely hopeless about my life. How I am so sick of depression, anxiety, the abuse, wanting to cut, purging, starving, etc. How I feel like I will never get rid of it all. "I just want to feel better" is what I said. I want some peace. I have been in therapy for so many years and I am completely 100% sick of what my life has been and become. But at the same time, I am scared of getting better, of my future. So, I think that's what holds me back a lot of the time, unfortunately. I have really been struggling with all of this lately. Just breaking down sobbing at the thought of who I am and what I struggle with on a daily basis. It makes me cry now writing it. So, I am going to stop writing about it because...I am sick of crying too.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my issues surrounding needing to please people and the constant fear of disappointing people. I talked about that in therapy too.

ED is really loud right now. I mean really loud. I am on day 4 of no purging, but god, the urges are so very strong. I know it's good I am ignoring them and coping in a healthy way, but...it is so damn hard. Just crying on the bathroom floor trying so hard to just breathe through it and resist it. That's a little dramatic isn't it? Well, whatever it takes. I am a strong person, not as a strong as I like, and right now these urges are really, really testing my strength. It might break me. I continue to struggle with restricting, I wish I wasn't because it is so horrendous. I have no energy. I get hungry, and then I lose my appetite in a matter of seconds. It's hell on earth. I would never wish an eating disorder on anyone, and for all you that want an eating disorder, you are wrong. It's such torture. And sometimes it becomes more than you can handle. Night bingeing continues to be a struggle as well. I have struggled with that for years and god I wish it would just go away. I'm not exactly sure why I do it but it needs to stop. It makes me feel so gross too.

I want to take a nap so bad right now. You have no idea. But I leave for work in a half hour. Work from 3-10. And then I work tomorrow morning 8am-3pm. Kill me. It might.

I am SO going to the pool on Sunday. Getting my tan on and swimming and maybe throwing on that one piece and doing some diving. It makes my heart happy thinking about diving...change that maybe to a definitely.

That's all for now.

day 3

So my therapist doesn't hate me. I thought she did after I texted her saying I had purge I knew that in the back of my head, that she didnt hate me. I think I was putting the hatred I felt at myself on her. I know she was dissapointed though. She has every right to be. We work so hard in therapy on healthy self-talk and coping skills. And I just threw them out the window that night. But I am on day 3 of no purging, so it's back to the beginning.

I can do this.

I mentioned in a post earlier about how much music affects me and helps me. I am always discovering new music. My favorites lately are Tori Amos, Dar Williams, Suzanne Vega, and Lady Antebellum. I discovered Tori Amos's cover of "Landslide" yesterday and oh my gosh, I am in love. It's my favorite all time song. I love Fleetwood Mac's version and Dixie Chick's, but this is my new favorite.

I work the next 4 days. Off Sunday, work Monday, off Tuesday, Repeat. I can do this. I just have to take it one shift at a time, not think ahead to the next day, try and get plenty of rest, and just breathe. That's my new motto, Just Breathe. I need a tattoo of it or something.

Writing on this blog has been so therapeutic. And I am thankful for the people that offer me support. My life lately has been full of stressors, but I hope to be in some sort of state of peace soon. But knowing what I am about to work on in therapy, that won't be the case anytime soon. Maybe I need to write more positive and uplifting stuff.

Anyway, time to get ready for work.

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

Grief. Missing someone. So many people have come in and out of my life, some for the good, some for the bad. But the person that's been on my mind the most lately is my old therapist. I saw her for 5 years and we had an incredible immeshed relationship. I was attached to her, not how you should be attached. A week without her was like hell for me. I got to know her outside of therapy. I knew her husband, her kids, etc. I know that's not right and she became so much more than a therapist to me. She was like a second mom. I loved her. I was incredibly attached to her. Now, 7 months without her and with a new wonderfully amazing therapist, I am finally able to begin to let go of her. It's hard. She was there through so much. And I always said I could never live without her. Well now I know I can. Now, this doesn't mean I don't miss her. I will always miss her. She is an amzing person, an amazing therapist, a role model. But I left her because she was no longer the right therapist for me. And I think I was so unhealthy with her. Just in the way that I needed her SO much. I wish there was some way I could just have a cup of coffee with her and just chat. I miss that. Maybe that can happen, but I don't think right now is the right time. I have begun to trust my new therapist, and have formed a relationship with her...a healthy one. I have been working on things with her that I never would have been able to with my old therapist. It took me a long time to be vulnerable with my new therapist, and I still have not opened up emotionally all the way. But I know I will. It pains me to write this, but I feel a sense of peace as well. I have been so held down and burdended by the pain of missing her and contemplating going back to her. I need to be sober from her. That sounds strange maybe, but it makes sense to me. I still get emotional talk about her. Just thinking of how amazing she was to me. But I will take that with me. I will take with me what she taught me, what she gave me. That I can never lose.

So, I need to let go. I love you JB, always will. You will always be in my heart. But I need to let the burden of you go. I know that's what you would want too, you would want me to be free from pain. Love Holly

stuff

So therapy on Friday wasn't bad at all. We talked about a bunch of random stuff, no talk of the abuse, until the end when my therapist said, "so do you want to talk about abuse stuff next week?" My response was...maybe. But now my answer is yes, I think I will give it a try. I know it's going to be hard as hell. I wrote her an email about how scared I was, she said we will talk about it. I seriously have the most amazing therapist. I am still taking walks to to calm my anxiety and fight off urges to purge. But I continue to struggle with restricting and bingeing at night. I think I am going to read "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" again.

I have been working so much lately. I am so exhausted. I think that's why I've been crying more. My brain is just on overload. And work is stressful. Working in the food industry is stressful, especially when you have an ED and you are surrounded by food all the time. I am still struggling with recovery, and having motivation or believing in myself. I don't know how to get past that? Oh, and i have been thinking about food constantly...does anyone else struggle with that? Just fantasizing about eating all these different foods? It drives me crazy.

Music has really been a second source of therapy for me lately. I have a playlist that is full of all different kinds of songs and it's just so helpful, in times of stress and sadness.

I work today and then have the next 2 days off. One of those days i am going with my mom to North Carolina to visit my great aunt who is pretty sick. I don't know how I'm going to emotionally handle that, since I feel so fragile right now.

Found this quote that other day...
"The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high… stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse."

no energy

I don't know if it's the heat and humidity, depression, or what...but I have absolutely no energy. I hate it. I wake up and I'm exhausted. I leave for work in a half hour and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "how in the world am I going to make it to 10pm?" I just want to fall back asleep. And if I went and sat on my couch right now, I guarantee you I would be out in 5 minutes. So, that's really annoying. Caffiene doesn't seem to help this at all. Neither does Gatorade or energy drinks. Blah.

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm a little scared to be honest. I always get anxious for therapy, but scared...not really. I'm scared because of the abuse stuff being brought up. I'm scared of dealing with it. Of dealing with the pain, the memories, the flashbacks, the body memories, PTSD symptoms, nightmares, and more anxiety and fear. My therapist knows how difficult it is for me and how nervous about it I am, but I think I need to share with her my intense fear. And how reluctant I am to deal with it. I am all about being honest, I really am. So I will definitely share my concerns with her.

ED continues to be in my life, of course. I got so very close to purging the other night. I was standing over the toilet and everything...but decided to walk away. That's kind of a first for me. I stopped because I thought about how my therapist would react. Not that she would be mad, I've never seen her mad, but because I didn't want her to be concerned and dissapointed. I am struggling a ton with loss of appetite though. It's annoying. Because I will get hungry but as soon as I walk into the kitchen or go somewhere to get food, my hunger goes away, and anxiety takes over. Is this just anxiety or the ED? Or is it both? It's hard for me to differentiate the two. I saw my weight the other day. It dropped a couple pounds since I was last weight at the doctor's a few weeks ago. A couple pounds really is nothing to be concerned about right? Well maybe not to me...to me it's actually good. But I know if my therapist knew (and I will tell her) she would be concerned. But I think the weight loss is to be expected honestly. Oh well. I wish I could see Trish (my dietitian) but there is no way I could afford her and I doubt I really even "need" to see her.

The Greek Food Festival is this weekend and I am excited beyond words! I love Greek food! Last year I was unable to eat any of it because I had just had my wisdom teeth removed. This year, I hope, that I will be able to eat and enjoy it.

I can't wait until I get to go to the pool, and just lay out in the sunshine and swim in the cool, refreshing water, and then exchange my bikini for my one piece and get back on the diving board. Oh how I've missed diving. I think it will be good for my heart and soul to start doing it again.

Anyway....off to work ago. let's hope I survive.

I will update after therapy tomorrow.

recovery

Recovery from an eating disorder, it's so hard. I don't know how people ever completely recover. it seems impossible, for me at least. I've been struggling with this disease since I was 14 years old, I'm 21 now. I've been through 4 1/2 months of residential treatment. The year after I got out of Remuda was my best year in recovery. The past two years have actually been my worst. 8 months ago I was at my lowest weight ever (not going to say what it was). I was struggling alot with restricting, and some purging. I'm at a "healthy" weight now, even though to me it is overwieght. Now I have started to fall back into the behaviors of restricting. It's been 2 weeks since I last purged, but the urges are there everyday. I know it is good that I am fighting the urges, but it is so hard. I am finally seeing a therapist that deals with eating disorders, for 5 years I wasn't. SO I finally feel like i am getting the therapy for my ED that i need. But I know people, my best friends being one of them, who are solid in their recovery and eating what they want and feeling okay about it, and not using behaviors...and I say to myself "i wish that was me". i know it us ultimately up to me to become like that...but I either don't have the motivation to do it, or I don't believe it can happen for me. I want to not purge, to not be scared of feeling full, to not take 2 hours to go grocery shopping because I am so obsessive about it, I don't want to be obsessed with being underweight and thin, and I don't want to be tortured by thoughts anymore. But what if I cannot do it? I mean do I have to accept I will be this way forever? I don't want to be.