stuff

So therapy on Friday wasn't bad at all. We talked about a bunch of random stuff, no talk of the abuse, until the end when my therapist said, "so do you want to talk about abuse stuff next week?" My response was...maybe. But now my answer is yes, I think I will give it a try. I know it's going to be hard as hell. I wrote her an email about how scared I was, she said we will talk about it. I seriously have the most amazing therapist. I am still taking walks to to calm my anxiety and fight off urges to purge. But I continue to struggle with restricting and bingeing at night. I think I am going to read "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" again.

I have been working so much lately. I am so exhausted. I think that's why I've been crying more. My brain is just on overload. And work is stressful. Working in the food industry is stressful, especially when you have an ED and you are surrounded by food all the time. I am still struggling with recovery, and having motivation or believing in myself. I don't know how to get past that? Oh, and i have been thinking about food constantly...does anyone else struggle with that? Just fantasizing about eating all these different foods? It drives me crazy.

Music has really been a second source of therapy for me lately. I have a playlist that is full of all different kinds of songs and it's just so helpful, in times of stress and sadness.

I work today and then have the next 2 days off. One of those days i am going with my mom to North Carolina to visit my great aunt who is pretty sick. I don't know how I'm going to emotionally handle that, since I feel so fragile right now.

Found this quote that other day...
"The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high… stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse."