no energy

I don't know if it's the heat and humidity, depression, or what...but I have absolutely no energy. I hate it. I wake up and I'm exhausted. I leave for work in a half hour and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "how in the world am I going to make it to 10pm?" I just want to fall back asleep. And if I went and sat on my couch right now, I guarantee you I would be out in 5 minutes. So, that's really annoying. Caffiene doesn't seem to help this at all. Neither does Gatorade or energy drinks. Blah.

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm a little scared to be honest. I always get anxious for therapy, but scared...not really. I'm scared because of the abuse stuff being brought up. I'm scared of dealing with it. Of dealing with the pain, the memories, the flashbacks, the body memories, PTSD symptoms, nightmares, and more anxiety and fear. My therapist knows how difficult it is for me and how nervous about it I am, but I think I need to share with her my intense fear. And how reluctant I am to deal with it. I am all about being honest, I really am. So I will definitely share my concerns with her.

ED continues to be in my life, of course. I got so very close to purging the other night. I was standing over the toilet and everything...but decided to walk away. That's kind of a first for me. I stopped because I thought about how my therapist would react. Not that she would be mad, I've never seen her mad, but because I didn't want her to be concerned and dissapointed. I am struggling a ton with loss of appetite though. It's annoying. Because I will get hungry but as soon as I walk into the kitchen or go somewhere to get food, my hunger goes away, and anxiety takes over. Is this just anxiety or the ED? Or is it both? It's hard for me to differentiate the two. I saw my weight the other day. It dropped a couple pounds since I was last weight at the doctor's a few weeks ago. A couple pounds really is nothing to be concerned about right? Well maybe not to me...to me it's actually good. But I know if my therapist knew (and I will tell her) she would be concerned. But I think the weight loss is to be expected honestly. Oh well. I wish I could see Trish (my dietitian) but there is no way I could afford her and I doubt I really even "need" to see her.

The Greek Food Festival is this weekend and I am excited beyond words! I love Greek food! Last year I was unable to eat any of it because I had just had my wisdom teeth removed. This year, I hope, that I will be able to eat and enjoy it.

I can't wait until I get to go to the pool, and just lay out in the sunshine and swim in the cool, refreshing water, and then exchange my bikini for my one piece and get back on the diving board. Oh how I've missed diving. I think it will be good for my heart and soul to start doing it again.

Anyway....off to work ago. let's hope I survive.

I will update after therapy tomorrow.