go away Ed

Therapy was good. We touched on the abuse, but not too much. We mostly talked about nightmares I've been having and how I feel about the abuse and my abuser now, as compared to a while ago. Things have changed. She says I'm making progress. That's hard to hear, because I don't really see it. Not all the way at least.

I got really emotional at the end of the session, didn't break down completely, but there were tears. I told her how I felt completely hopeless about my life. How I am so sick of depression, anxiety, the abuse, wanting to cut, purging, starving, etc. How I feel like I will never get rid of it all. "I just want to feel better" is what I said. I want some peace. I have been in therapy for so many years and I am completely 100% sick of what my life has been and become. But at the same time, I am scared of getting better, of my future. So, I think that's what holds me back a lot of the time, unfortunately. I have really been struggling with all of this lately. Just breaking down sobbing at the thought of who I am and what I struggle with on a daily basis. It makes me cry now writing it. So, I am going to stop writing about it because...I am sick of crying too.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my issues surrounding needing to please people and the constant fear of disappointing people. I talked about that in therapy too.

ED is really loud right now. I mean really loud. I am on day 4 of no purging, but god, the urges are so very strong. I know it's good I am ignoring them and coping in a healthy way, but...it is so damn hard. Just crying on the bathroom floor trying so hard to just breathe through it and resist it. That's a little dramatic isn't it? Well, whatever it takes. I am a strong person, not as a strong as I like, and right now these urges are really, really testing my strength. It might break me. I continue to struggle with restricting, I wish I wasn't because it is so horrendous. I have no energy. I get hungry, and then I lose my appetite in a matter of seconds. It's hell on earth. I would never wish an eating disorder on anyone, and for all you that want an eating disorder, you are wrong. It's such torture. And sometimes it becomes more than you can handle. Night bingeing continues to be a struggle as well. I have struggled with that for years and god I wish it would just go away. I'm not exactly sure why I do it but it needs to stop. It makes me feel so gross too.

I want to take a nap so bad right now. You have no idea. But I leave for work in a half hour. Work from 3-10. And then I work tomorrow morning 8am-3pm. Kill me. It might.

I am SO going to the pool on Sunday. Getting my tan on and swimming and maybe throwing on that one piece and doing some diving. It makes my heart happy thinking about diving...change that maybe to a definitely.

That's all for now.