Grief. Missing someone. So many people have come in and out of my life, some for the good, some for the bad. But the person that's been on my mind the most lately is my old therapist. I saw her for 5 years and we had an incredible immeshed relationship. I was attached to her, not how you should be attached. A week without her was like hell for me. I got to know her outside of therapy. I knew her husband, her kids, etc. I know that's not right and she became so much more than a therapist to me. She was like a second mom. I loved her. I was incredibly attached to her. Now, 7 months without her and with a new wonderfully amazing therapist, I am finally able to begin to let go of her. It's hard. She was there through so much. And I always said I could never live without her. Well now I know I can. Now, this doesn't mean I don't miss her. I will always miss her. She is an amzing person, an amazing therapist, a role model. But I left her because she was no longer the right therapist for me. And I think I was so unhealthy with her. Just in the way that I needed her SO much. I wish there was some way I could just have a cup of coffee with her and just chat. I miss that. Maybe that can happen, but I don't think right now is the right time. I have begun to trust my new therapist, and have formed a relationship with her...a healthy one. I have been working on things with her that I never would have been able to with my old therapist. It took me a long time to be vulnerable with my new therapist, and I still have not opened up emotionally all the way. But I know I will. It pains me to write this, but I feel a sense of peace as well. I have been so held down and burdended by the pain of missing her and contemplating going back to her. I need to be sober from her. That sounds strange maybe, but it makes sense to me. I still get emotional talk about her. Just thinking of how amazing she was to me. But I will take that with me. I will take with me what she taught me, what she gave me. That I can never lose.
So, I need to let go. I love you JB, always will. You will always be in my heart. But I need to let the burden of you go. I know that's what you would want too, you would want me to be free from pain. Love Holly
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