recovery

Recovery from an eating disorder, it's so hard. I don't know how people ever completely recover. it seems impossible, for me at least. I've been struggling with this disease since I was 14 years old, I'm 21 now. I've been through 4 1/2 months of residential treatment. The year after I got out of Remuda was my best year in recovery. The past two years have actually been my worst. 8 months ago I was at my lowest weight ever (not going to say what it was). I was struggling alot with restricting, and some purging. I'm at a "healthy" weight now, even though to me it is overwieght. Now I have started to fall back into the behaviors of restricting. It's been 2 weeks since I last purged, but the urges are there everyday. I know it is good that I am fighting the urges, but it is so hard. I am finally seeing a therapist that deals with eating disorders, for 5 years I wasn't. SO I finally feel like i am getting the therapy for my ED that i need. But I know people, my best friends being one of them, who are solid in their recovery and eating what they want and feeling okay about it, and not using behaviors...and I say to myself "i wish that was me". i know it us ultimately up to me to become like that...but I either don't have the motivation to do it, or I don't believe it can happen for me. I want to not purge, to not be scared of feeling full, to not take 2 hours to go grocery shopping because I am so obsessive about it, I don't want to be obsessed with being underweight and thin, and I don't want to be tortured by thoughts anymore. But what if I cannot do it? I mean do I have to accept I will be this way forever? I don't want to be.