"I am safe. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm 22, not 11 anymore."
"Breathe, just breathe, Holly"
"I can do this, it will be hard and it will suck, but I can do this"
"Trust your therapist, she will help you through this stuff"
"I have the courage to heal"
"Close the book on the session we had today (anytime we talk about abuse in therapy). You can open it up next week in therapy."
"Do safe things, take care of yourself, distract yourself"
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
random thoughts
My dog Lucy
Some of these might makes sense, some might...it's just what is inside my head.
- the last time I was truly happy was when I was 10 years old. This needs to change.
-I live literally 2 minutes away from my parents, and yet I miss them when I go to my own house. I'm almost 22 years old, to me this is a problem.
- My birthday is on Monday. I feel so old.
- I do not know how to define the state of my eating disorder recovery. I guess I am considered "in recovery" but it doesn't really feel like it
- My oldest dog, Lucy, is 11 years old. And even though she is in perfect health and so energetic I constantly fear she is going to die soon and I don't think I could handle that.
- I need to make an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon. I am having a lot of pain and bleeding again. This needs to be fixed, but it's such an embarrassing problem.
- I have decided to really actually talk about it. I don't want to. But I know I need to. I'm scared. I'm terrified.
- I want a baby. No really.
- It's really hard to eat right now. I get hungry, and then when the food is in front of me, the hunger goes away.
-Ultimate frisbee summer league is almost over. This makes me sad. On Sunday, I got hit really hard in the head, very painful. Still have a headache. I think I might have had a slight concussion. Oh well, I have been hit harder.
- My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world.
- I want to go back to the beach.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
back from the beach
Ahhh it was SO amazing at the beach, even if I was only there for 3 days. It was SO relaxing and beautiful and now I'm tan, and I came home refreshed and relaxed. I feel great. I did alot of thinking at the beach, soul searching if that's what you want to call it. Made some decisions that are good ones, and will change my life. I decided to start looking for a new job. I realized how unhappy I am at my current job. I feel it's the worst job I've ever had. I need to be somewhere and working with people that make me happy and not out of control anxious. I have decided to commit myself in therapy to working on the abuse. Last week I was done with it, not wanting to work on it ever again. But after talking to someone who has been through trauma and overcome it, she has inspired me to fully work on mine. It's going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.
So I have a busy week ahead of me. First round of ultimate frisbee tournament tomorrow night (so excited and pumped!) Work from 9-3 on Monday. Psychiatrist on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday, Frisbee again on Wednesday, and then work the rest of the week. My car is fucked up again so that sucks, don't know when I will get it back, but I have my sister's car for the time being.
Anyway, that's all the updates I have right now. My phone is turned back on (I kept it off while at the beach).
So here are some pics from the beach.
Monday, July 12, 2010
tears
Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail
I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.
I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.
I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.
Just a lot of crying.
I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.
I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.
I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.
Just a lot of crying.
Friday, July 9, 2010
lapse
3 weeks of no purging.
but...only 1 day with no cutting. yeah i had a lapse ( i had the word relapse).
i chose not to reach out to my therapist and instead use self destructive behaviors.
the purpose of my cutting worked though, which is scary and not good...i know.
i want to get back on track, but i am sick of feeling so many emotions at one time.
and cutting helps numb it.
i am out of town next week at the beach (so no therapy). I have to admit I am anxious about that.
but as much as i love my therapist and need her support, I have found myself very slowly starting to back away from her. this is a result from my relationship with my ex-therapist. i got so close with my last therapist and then we lost our connection and i had to leave her after 5 years (it's a really long and complicated story) , and i'm afraid of that happening again. I don't want to lose my therapist, so I think I'm sub-consciously backing away. it's scary getting close to her, because what if i lose her?
but...only 1 day with no cutting. yeah i had a lapse ( i had the word relapse).
i chose not to reach out to my therapist and instead use self destructive behaviors.
the purpose of my cutting worked though, which is scary and not good...i know.
i want to get back on track, but i am sick of feeling so many emotions at one time.
and cutting helps numb it.
i am out of town next week at the beach (so no therapy). I have to admit I am anxious about that.
but as much as i love my therapist and need her support, I have found myself very slowly starting to back away from her. this is a result from my relationship with my ex-therapist. i got so close with my last therapist and then we lost our connection and i had to leave her after 5 years (it's a really long and complicated story) , and i'm afraid of that happening again. I don't want to lose my therapist, so I think I'm sub-consciously backing away. it's scary getting close to her, because what if i lose her?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
heat
I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.
The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.
The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?
I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.
It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.
Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.
The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.
The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?
I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.
It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.
Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
breathe breathe breathe
So here's what happened yesterday.
Yesterday in therapy, I told my therapist what happened (about the abuse, from what I remember) from beginning to end. She asked me to. It was one of the hardest things ever. I have never said all of it out loud before, I have always written it. So it was extremely extremely difficult, just to get the words out. And then when I finished telling it, she asked me to tell her again. I told her I could not do it, that I was going to throw up. She told me to take deep breaths and that I could do it. And so I did. Again, one of the hardest things I've ever done. After telling it for the second time, I was seriously about to throw up, and so I told her that. She walked with me to the end of the hall to get a drink of water from the water fountain. I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall over. She rubbed my back as we walked down the hall. I felt better after the water. After that we talked about things completely unrelated. But I was trembling from head to toe. She talked me through deep breaths. A couple hours later I found myself in fetal position on my kitchen floor sobbing. Why did he do this to me? Why does it affect me this much? Why can't I pull myself together? I called my therapist, told her I was scared, that it was the hardest therapy session of my entire life. She said that going to work later would be a good distraction, and I could call her when I got home if I needed to. Well, I got off work at 10:30pm and was a mess, crying and what not. I called her and she told me I was so brave to do what I did today, and that I was going to be okay. I told her about my anger towards him, and she was so proud that I was finally feeling that anger. I went to bed straight after that convo. I woke up this morning, feeling like yesterday really didn't happen. I'm pretty sure I dissociated during part of the session. I'm just glad today is a new day. And that yesterday is over. And I'm going to work on my breathing (deep breaths) and I'm going to get through this.
Yesterday in therapy, I told my therapist what happened (about the abuse, from what I remember) from beginning to end. She asked me to. It was one of the hardest things ever. I have never said all of it out loud before, I have always written it. So it was extremely extremely difficult, just to get the words out. And then when I finished telling it, she asked me to tell her again. I told her I could not do it, that I was going to throw up. She told me to take deep breaths and that I could do it. And so I did. Again, one of the hardest things I've ever done. After telling it for the second time, I was seriously about to throw up, and so I told her that. She walked with me to the end of the hall to get a drink of water from the water fountain. I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall over. She rubbed my back as we walked down the hall. I felt better after the water. After that we talked about things completely unrelated. But I was trembling from head to toe. She talked me through deep breaths. A couple hours later I found myself in fetal position on my kitchen floor sobbing. Why did he do this to me? Why does it affect me this much? Why can't I pull myself together? I called my therapist, told her I was scared, that it was the hardest therapy session of my entire life. She said that going to work later would be a good distraction, and I could call her when I got home if I needed to. Well, I got off work at 10:30pm and was a mess, crying and what not. I called her and she told me I was so brave to do what I did today, and that I was going to be okay. I told her about my anger towards him, and she was so proud that I was finally feeling that anger. I went to bed straight after that convo. I woke up this morning, feeling like yesterday really didn't happen. I'm pretty sure I dissociated during part of the session. I'm just glad today is a new day. And that yesterday is over. And I'm going to work on my breathing (deep breaths) and I'm going to get through this.
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