I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.
I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.
I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Spiral
You know, I'm not even sure how to write this post. There is a lot I want to say, but I'm not going to say all of it.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Limbo
I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm stuck there. I KNOW what I need to do. But it is not that easy. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I've been restricting. I have come dangerously close to purging. I hate to admit it, but yes I have been trying to lose weight. I don't want to be triggering by saying that. It's just the truth. And at least I can admit that those are my intentions.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
1 year.
Some people think anniversaries in ED recovery are silly. I like them
because I can look back and see how far I have come. With that said...
Today marks 1 year since I left Remuda Ranch and entered recovery.
I could write pages and pages about reaching 1 year in recovery.
There are so many feelings, thoughts, and revelations. But I want to
keep it short and simple. This year has truly been the best year of my
life, as well as the most challenging. Reaching such a huge milestone
for me is overwhelming. I am overcome with emotions of pride and
relief for being in such a positive and healthy place in my life. For
reaching a point in my life where I feel deserving of recovery. A year
and a half ago I did not think I would ever feel happy or hopeful
again. It's amazing that I have come this far and I really am proud of
myself. But I also feel like I am mourning who I have been for the
past 9 years of my life. I am mourning my eating disorder identity.
It's been tough. I still find myself holding on to it, to the belief I
have that my ED is my worth. But it's significant that I choose to
move forward and fight my ED. I spent 9 years of my life living in
eating disorder hell, but now I can say with certainty that I will
never go back to my ED.
because I can look back and see how far I have come. With that said...
Today marks 1 year since I left Remuda Ranch and entered recovery.
I could write pages and pages about reaching 1 year in recovery.
There are so many feelings, thoughts, and revelations. But I want to
keep it short and simple. This year has truly been the best year of my
life, as well as the most challenging. Reaching such a huge milestone
for me is overwhelming. I am overcome with emotions of pride and
relief for being in such a positive and healthy place in my life. For
reaching a point in my life where I feel deserving of recovery. A year
and a half ago I did not think I would ever feel happy or hopeful
again. It's amazing that I have come this far and I really am proud of
myself. But I also feel like I am mourning who I have been for the
past 9 years of my life. I am mourning my eating disorder identity.
It's been tough. I still find myself holding on to it, to the belief I
have that my ED is my worth. But it's significant that I choose to
move forward and fight my ED. I spent 9 years of my life living in
eating disorder hell, but now I can say with certainty that I will
never go back to my ED.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Questions from Dawn :)
What is your greatest dream in life?
Nothing fancy. I love baking brownies and cupcakes.
Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
Yes, plenty. Books would be Harry Potter. I think I have read the series at least 100 times. Not even kidding. Same thing with Prozac Nation.
There are too many movies to count.
Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
I think just people that have or are overcoming their own personal struggles, particularly eating disorders and sexual abuse. I find inspiration in them, and try to learn as much as I can from them so as to better myself and my healing. Those that standout the most are Kathleen MacDonald, my dietitian, my Remuda sisters, and my group leader.
What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here! no I'm this but...... comments!)
I am a great friend. I care about my friends more than myself and am always looking out for them and always tell them if I am concerned or worried about them.
I have a great deal of inner strength. People told me this for years and I didn't believe them for the longest time. But now I can see it. With all that I have been through in my life, I wouldn't have come this far without my own strength.
I have a great intuition. I sense things sooo easily and I truly think it makes me a better person.
What are you most thankful for in your life?
So much. But at this point in my life, I am most thankful for an AMAZING treatment team and support system. You cannot overcome an eating disorder on your own, and my treatment team has certainly played a huge part in my success.
What is the best advice you have ever received?
That recovery is a really difficult and at times frustrating and painful process, but no matter what, keep moving forward. There will be little setbacks, but you have the power to prevent it from becoming a relapse.
My greatest dream in life is to be a mom.
In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
I guess I'm a big family person, and the few friends that I do have are essentially like family to me, and I always wanted to hold family and friends really close to my heart. And I feel like I've done a great job of that.
In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
Well, I obviously never wanted to spend the past 12 years of my life in therapy, in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, and trying to kill myself. I don't think I ever expected that though, and I certainly didn't hope for it.
If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
Try to take good from every situation and experience in your life, no matter if that experience is good or bad. You can always learn something and gain strength and wisdom. Also, don't try to mold yourself into someone that society or anyone else tells you that you should be. You are unique and know yourself best, and don't ruin who you are at heart trying to be something you aren't meant to be.
What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
Favorite chore is laundry, there is something relaxing about it.
Least favorite chore is doing dishes.
What is your favorite recipe to make?In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
I guess I'm a big family person, and the few friends that I do have are essentially like family to me, and I always wanted to hold family and friends really close to my heart. And I feel like I've done a great job of that.
In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
Well, I obviously never wanted to spend the past 12 years of my life in therapy, in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, and trying to kill myself. I don't think I ever expected that though, and I certainly didn't hope for it.
If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
Try to take good from every situation and experience in your life, no matter if that experience is good or bad. You can always learn something and gain strength and wisdom. Also, don't try to mold yourself into someone that society or anyone else tells you that you should be. You are unique and know yourself best, and don't ruin who you are at heart trying to be something you aren't meant to be.
What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
Favorite chore is laundry, there is something relaxing about it.
Least favorite chore is doing dishes.
Nothing fancy. I love baking brownies and cupcakes.
Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
Yes, plenty. Books would be Harry Potter. I think I have read the series at least 100 times. Not even kidding. Same thing with Prozac Nation.
There are too many movies to count.
Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
I think just people that have or are overcoming their own personal struggles, particularly eating disorders and sexual abuse. I find inspiration in them, and try to learn as much as I can from them so as to better myself and my healing. Those that standout the most are Kathleen MacDonald, my dietitian, my Remuda sisters, and my group leader.
What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here! no I'm this but...... comments!)
I am a great friend. I care about my friends more than myself and am always looking out for them and always tell them if I am concerned or worried about them.
I have a great deal of inner strength. People told me this for years and I didn't believe them for the longest time. But now I can see it. With all that I have been through in my life, I wouldn't have come this far without my own strength.
I have a great intuition. I sense things sooo easily and I truly think it makes me a better person.
What are you most thankful for in your life?
So much. But at this point in my life, I am most thankful for an AMAZING treatment team and support system. You cannot overcome an eating disorder on your own, and my treatment team has certainly played a huge part in my success.
What is the best advice you have ever received?
That recovery is a really difficult and at times frustrating and painful process, but no matter what, keep moving forward. There will be little setbacks, but you have the power to prevent it from becoming a relapse.
Keeps Getting Better
Well, I know I don't write on here very often. Honestly, my mind is so pre-occupied with working on moving forwards and bettering my life and my recovery, that this website sometimes tends to distract me from that. And so I tend to avoid Blogspot. But, I want to keep updating this blog as much as I can.
Things are looking up. I had a very rough Winter. I was scared I wouldn't be able to come out of the depression, and that I was relapsing. But, winter has finally lifted and I feel like I'm moving forwards again, and I'm not stuck anymore. Although, I still worry about going back to it.
Eating is going really, really well. I still have some fear and guilt surrounding food, but 9 times out of 10 I will eat what I am hungry for and not feel bad about it. I have not purged in 1 year and 1 month. But I do think about it, I do still get urges. The trick is learning to push through the urges and remind myself why I don't want to purge and how it will only make me feel 10x worse.
I struggle a lot with body image, especially now that the weather is warmer. I can't even think about wearing shorts right now. I probably don't even have any that fit anymore. My summer clothes from last summer are now too small. I had to buy new clothes when I came from treatment last year, and over the summer my body continued to gain weight. So now I need to buy even bigger clothes. It's really discouraging. I have the hardest time accepting my stomach. I just...can't even.
My oldest dog, Lucy, died last Friday. We had to put her down. She had throat cancer and couldn't eat, so she was starving to death. I cried about it for the first time last night. Sobbing my fucking eyes out. I really can't write much more about it. It's too difficult.
Really not much else going on.
Things are going pretty well.
1 year anniversary in recovery is next Saturday, the 31st. Can't believe it's been a year.
Things are looking up. I had a very rough Winter. I was scared I wouldn't be able to come out of the depression, and that I was relapsing. But, winter has finally lifted and I feel like I'm moving forwards again, and I'm not stuck anymore. Although, I still worry about going back to it.
Eating is going really, really well. I still have some fear and guilt surrounding food, but 9 times out of 10 I will eat what I am hungry for and not feel bad about it. I have not purged in 1 year and 1 month. But I do think about it, I do still get urges. The trick is learning to push through the urges and remind myself why I don't want to purge and how it will only make me feel 10x worse.
I struggle a lot with body image, especially now that the weather is warmer. I can't even think about wearing shorts right now. I probably don't even have any that fit anymore. My summer clothes from last summer are now too small. I had to buy new clothes when I came from treatment last year, and over the summer my body continued to gain weight. So now I need to buy even bigger clothes. It's really discouraging. I have the hardest time accepting my stomach. I just...can't even.
My oldest dog, Lucy, died last Friday. We had to put her down. She had throat cancer and couldn't eat, so she was starving to death. I cried about it for the first time last night. Sobbing my fucking eyes out. I really can't write much more about it. It's too difficult.
Really not much else going on.
Things are going pretty well.
1 year anniversary in recovery is next Saturday, the 31st. Can't believe it's been a year.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Stuck
I continue to feel stuck. I have good days and bad days. Which is what recovery is I guess. But it feels more discouraging then it did six months ago.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.
Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.
Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.
I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.
Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.
All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.
I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.
But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.
Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.
Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.
I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.
Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.
All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.
I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.
But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)