overwhelmed

So if you are expecting another super positive blog post, you aren't going to get one. Don't get me wrong, things are still going well, but I also sense that I am backsliding. Not so much with food though. I have had a couple bad days, but nothing horrible. I am still eating something at all three meals of the day. But I have NO APPETITE. It sucksss. I want to be hungry so badly, so eating will be easier. I can't really figure out why I'm not hungry. I guess it could be stress and depression. Not so much anxiety though.

I've been really stressed out. I just have so much on my plate right now. My schedule feels jam packed. I had to cancel a coffee date with someone tonight because I was too exhausted to do it. I barely made it through today. It's really quite pathetic. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and he mentioned how I seem quieter and depressed. He thinks my state of exhaustion might have to do with my medications. So he is having me cut my Klonopin in half. I'm really nervous about cutting back on my anxiety meds because I am absolutely terrified of having debilitating anxiety like I did last year. But I'm willing to give it a try. I almost started crying when I was talking to him this morning. I just felt so tired and didn't want to take on the day, or the rest of the week really. I somehow found the energy to get through today.

I am feeling so much better about recovery, but there still are things that haunt me. I still get jealous when I see a really skinny girl. I think to myself, "God I wish I had gotten that thin. Then I would have accomplished something!" I know that in reality, those girls are miserable and suffering. Bu sometimes there are parts of me that think that having an ED is "glamorous". Such bullshit, I know. And now I also get jealous of people who are doing better in their recovery than me, or are farther along. I just feel like I should have made more progress by now. Like, I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice a week for the past 9 years. That's a lot of therapy. Although, I haven't worked on my core issues until the past 2 years so...I guess it's not too bad.
I just hate how slow my recovery seems to be going. But I guess better that than falling back into a full blown relapse and overdosing or dying from my ED. My very best friend who I was in treatment with this past February and March is doing so well! I am so, so proud of her. But I also feel like my progress is insignificant compared to hers. That sounds so bad doesn't it? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have ED be gone. But it's not like that, not at all. It's such a process, such a long process. And that frustrates me sometimes. But I'm in it for the long haul.

I have been having a lot of feelings of detachment and feeling disconnected from my body lately. I'm not sure of the cause exactly. Possibly I am just so stressed out and overwhelmed that I am subconsciously disconnecting myself from my feelings and all my stressors. I will definitely be bringing this up in therapy tomorrow.

I am so, so excited for the ED awareness walk this weekend. My two really good friends from Remuda are coming too! I haven't seen Michelle since May when she and Erin came here to visit. And I haven't seen Ashley since the day I left the Ranch to fly out to RLP in Arizona, back in March. I am so excited to see Ashley. We both had the same admit date and the same discharge date. We were roomies. The chairs we sat in during the day were right next to each other. We had the same Family Week. I felt such a bond with her. It will be so good to see her again!

Well my mind is just throwing out thoughts left and right and I just really can't handle it right now. My eyes are starting to fill with tears and I do not want to cry. It's 8pm and I could totally go to bed for the night right now. I'm probably going to stay up for a couple more hours though and watch TV.

I will update more hopefully this weekend.

You have three choices...

You have three choices. You can either let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

I saw the above quote today and I fell in love with it. What makes this quote so significant for me that that the "it" that the quote is talking about is an eating disorder, well at least that's my interpretation. I have experienced all three of the choices in this quote. I made my ED my identity for the past 8, almost 9, years. Yes I was an athlete, I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I was consumed by my ED and that, in my opinion, was my only worth, as crazy as that sounds. The second choice, well it didn't destroy me to the point where I died, but I certaintly have come close. I almost killed myself twice in February. I also had heart palpitations, horrible lab work, and I was vomiting blood. I really did almost die. And that leaves the third choice. You can let it strengthen you. Well here I am, 7 months out of treatment and 7 months into recovery. I can say with complete certainty that it has made me stronger. I can see so clearly now, and the little things in life that get most people down so easily, don't shake me up too much. I just feel stronger. It's kind of hard to give examples. But I have learned so much about myself and my life, and I really feel I am better in all areas, because of my struggles.


I saw my dietitian tonight. We had another good session. It seems that as each day goes by I feel more and more stronger than ED. For example, this week I have had little to no appetite. In the past I would have just resorted to my ED and skipped meals or b/p. But I have eaten all three meals every single day this week, for the second week in a row. My dietitian was beaming over this fact. "That's so awesome!" I love when she says that. It makes me smile. Lately it's been all about ignoring ED and doing what is right. Feeding myself, nourishing myself. It's totally the right thing to do, but totally hard, and totally possible. My dietitian wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis because even though I am doing better with my food, I'm still pretty fragile about it. And because I was so stressed out this week, I had increased urges to b/p and restrict. She just wants to keep all of that in check, and I am perfectly okay with that. I also brought up my concern with her about how I have cravings for sweets and so-called junk foods. I said that 9 times out of 10 I don't buy these foods because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of bingeing on them. I also am scared that eating them will cause more weight gain. She said that it is perfectly normal to want to eat those foods, and even more normal to actually eat them.

Therapy was good on Thursday. I didn't really have anything pressing I needed to talk about, so we just sort of talked about other stuff. It was a good session. I felt upbeat and energetic the rest of the day. I guess I will just deal with whatever comes up and not look for things to talk about. Although sometimes I think that's not a bad idea. Sometimes my therapist points things out to me that maybe I should spend more time on, but not lately.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I am SO glad it is Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday. Even though I do have to babysit tomorrow night. It's all good though!

Baby steps

Geez, is tomorrow really Thursday already? This week has flown by. And I'm like not even sure how to evaluate how this week has gone so far.

I think as far as food goes, I have done pretty well. Maybe not as well as last week, but nothing significantly worse either. I have had breakfast every morning (still in love with greek yogurt with fruit). I have had lunch every day too, as well as dinner. But, my appetite has decreased a lot and it has made eating very difficult. At times it feels physically impossible to take another bite. I'm not sure why my appetite has gone away so much, it could just be stress.

Which leads me to my next paragraph. Stress. This week has just been so stressful. I just feel like I have so many things to do, and not enough time. I work all day and by the end of the day I just want to crawl in bed, but I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and the bookstore and my parent's house and I have to exercise and do laundry and clean and write emails and make phone calls. I've been very on edge and bitchy. And then I feel really overwhelmed with everything, and that brings on lots of urges to b/p. But I haven't! Which is what is important. And it's good that I can recognize what makes me have those urges and be able to stop myself from acting out.

I've really been upping my game on the positive self-talk, which is something my therapist is always urging me to do. My face is breaking out right now, and most of today I would look in the mirror and just feel disgusted, but I had my moments today when I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I am beautiful. It helps! It's not a fix, but I think if I keep it up then maybe I will start to believe it! I ordered a body image workbook on Amazon that my therapist and dietitian told me about, hopefully that will help too!

I am really excited because....I signed up for an eating disorder awareness walk next weekend. And my two (maybe 3) best friends from Remuda are coming too! The woman who I heard speak at the event last week will be speaking at this walk too so I'm excited to catch up with her! I've never done an ED walk before so I'm excited for this.

Well, I have therapy tomorrow and my dietitian on Friday so I will check back in on Friday or Saturday and update then!

Catching up

So, let me just tell you about Thursday night. I went to this event at this art gallary about eating disorders and body image. There were 3 speakers. The first was my friend Karen. She told her story for the first time. I cried tears of joy for her. I am so proud of how far she has come. She has been there for me so much throughout the last year. At one point when she was speaking I saw her looking at me and I was crying. I think she could tell by looking at my eyes how proud I was of her.

The second speaker was a therapist and ED activist in Maryland. She is recovered from an eating disorder as well. It was inspiring to hear her story. She is such a leader in the ED community and I strive to be as confident as she is one day.

The third speaker was Kathleen MacDonald. Some of you might know who is she is. She is an eating disorder activist who lives in D.C. and lobbys on Capitol Hill for ED research and awareness, and runs the FREED Foundation. I have known Kathleen about a year through Facebook. She pretty much saved my life last year when I was in the worst of my ED and depression. Thursday night was the first time I met her in person. Her story, her speech, which was really just her speaking from her heart, was hands down the most inspiring speech I have ever heard. Her story is incredible. I don't want to tell it on here, because it's not my story to tell. But she has over come so much adversity and her commitment to her recovery is the most refreshing thing I have heard. She is recovered from an ED of 16 years. I shed many tears during her speech. It was sad, moving, and uplifting. Part of her speech was to ask the audience if anyone would volunteer why they were that night. I raised my hand, something I never could have pictured myself doing. I said, "My name is Holly. I've had an eating disorder for almost 9 years, but I am in month 6 of recovery. I am here first and foremost to support my friend Karen, who means the world to me (at this point my voice broke and I started crying). I am also here for myself, to keep up my fight." It was pretty powerful being vulnerable in a room of about 50-60 people.
After the event was over, I went up to Kathleen, who knew who I was, and gave her a big hug. I told her that she saved my life last year. When I went into the psych hospital I didn't have time to tell anyone what was going on. Including her. I told her that I know I scared her when she didn't hear from me for 5 days. She said with tears in her eyes, "Yes you did, but I was so glad to hear you were okay." She told me she knew I was on my way to full recovery. I just couldn't hold back my tears.
I will be seeing her again on November 5th when we both are attending a NEDA awareness walk in Charlottesville. My friends Michelle and Erin will be there as well (I hope).

Yesterday I saw my dietitian. I had done so much better this week with my food. Eating breakfast every single day this week for the first time since leaving Remuda. But I still could have done better. When she weighed me (and I looked) she told me I had lost a pound. Which proved her point that eating breakfast would speed up my metabolism. I just always thought eating breakfast and eating more in general would make me gain more weight. I guess not. She told me she thinks my weight is about where it needs to be, maybe it neds to be a little more or a little less. I understand everything now, about my weight that is. I trust my dietitian. I still fear I will become obese, but I am slowly becoming more and more accepting of my body. I read my dietitian the journal entry I posted on here yesterday. I cried while reading it, as did she.
I am just so glad things are getting better.

This has felt like the longest week of my life. So much running through my head and so many things and appointments I had to do. I am so glad this week ended on a great note.

That's all I have for now.
Have a great weekend everyone!

Accepting my body and recovery

I wrote this last night. Wanted to share.

I daydream pretty often about being thin again. Not thin like I was in the couple of months before going away to treatment. But thin like I was 4-5 months ago. Most people might look at me today and say I am still thin, a healthy thin. And maybe I am, but I can't see it yet. I long for that super toned and built body I used to have. And yes, I know dreaming about what my body used to look like is in no way helpful. But honestly, I think I dream more about the day when I love my body and embrace it the way it needs to be. I dream of being able to trust that I will not continue to gain weight and become obese. I do have my good moments though. I sort of like that I actually have boobs now. I am glad I can't see my chest bones anymore. I remember in my first couple of days at Remuda, looking in the mirror, and seeing pretty much every bone in my chest and saying to myself, "That looks gross." I acknowledge that my body is healthy. Although my periods are still screwed up. My fear with that is that they will never be regular again and I won't be able to have children.
So my bones don't stick out like they did for so many years. Well at least I'm not puking everything I eat and having to hold onto the door of my shower so I don't pass out while washing my hair. Yes, I still hear ED talking to me, but I also am able to form complete thoughts and my brain works the way it's supposed to. What's that quote? "Pulling my head out of the toilet and gaining weight was the smartest thing I've ever done." So true, and also the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've had professionals tell me that full recovery is possible. So much of me wants to argue that. But I realize that believing in full recovery, believing in myself, is really my only option. These past two weeks I have come close many times to throwing in the towel and saying, "You know what ED? You can have me back." I think what kept me from doing that was the encouragement from my therapist and dietitian, and also from remembering the hell I lived in when I used behaviors on a daily basis. I also really want to one day spread awareness of eating disorders, but I can't do that unless I am recovered. I want to tell my story, where at the end I can say, "I am recovered". I think the pros of recovery, far outweigh the so-called pros of an eating disorder.
So, I think it is pretty simple what I need to do, even though it feels super complicated. I have to feed myself the way my dietitian tells me. I have to continue to be honest and open. I have to do things that make me feel good about myself. I have to form an identity outside of my eating disorder. I have to believe in myself and find my inner strength and wisdom. I'm pretty confident that in doing all of this...I will recover.

no way

My dietitian emailed me tonight and told me that the weight I am at now is what my weight is supposed to be.

No way. Not happening. I refuse to weigh this much. I will kick and scream my way back to a weight I feel is right for me. You may say that I am compromising my recovery by doing this. I really don't think that's the case.

I don't know if I can trust my dietitian right now and that scares me. I have always trusted her. But I don't know what's right anymore. I am not supposed to weigh this much...I don't care what anyone says. I know my body.

It's just not fair. I fucking hate ED.

I know what to do to lose weight. I know that purging two times or more a day and eating under xxx calories will make me drop all this weight I have put on. That's how I lost weight last year. I don't want to resort to that. I would just be miserable and disappoint every one.

I'm going to go cry now.

in trouble

I sort of got in trouble with my dietitian at my appointment tonight. It felt horrible. She had had me write down my food for last week, and I knew I didn't do a good job. In fact, I did pretty terrible. I could tell she was...frustrated. Not mad though, she never gets mad at me. But, tonight she came pretty close. One night last week I had a bag of popcorn for a snack. When she saw that on my food journal she asked what kind of popcorn. I told her it was fat-free. I could see the frustration in her reaction and it stung. I was confused at our session. Because, she told me last week that she didn't know why I was gaining weight. Tonight she said that she doesn't know what my weight is supposed to be. And she also told me that I am not going to gain any more weight. Well, if she doesn't know why I am gaining weight, then how does she know I am not going to gain anymore? I didn't say this, maybe I should though. She said that it wouldn't be bad thing if lost a little bit of weight, but that I can't use behaviors. I told her I didn't know any other way. I just felt so defeated sitting in her office tonight. I was so aware of the way my body looked and felt and it was so uncomfortable. I shed a few tears and it sucked. My dietitian seemed really, really concerned about me. Talking about how worried she was about my brain because I was starving it, how I have not been hungry lately, and I have little to no energy. She said she is worried that if I keep going down this road, that I am going to starve my brain so much that I get stuck back in ED and relapse. But she did say that this is the closest to being recovered as I have ever been. Too bad I'm about to screw it up again. Anyway, she is so concerned that she wants to see me again on Friday. I was sort of surprised when she said that. She gave me a plan I am supposed to follow the next 4 days. Right now it feels near impossible, but I am going to give it a shot.

Not much else is going on. Hoping my week gets better starting tomorrow. I know it's up to me and only me to make the right choices with my food. I am having dinner with my second mom on Wednesday and then I am helping set up with the eating disorder event on Thursday night. So I am looking forward to those two things!

I will update later on in the week.