Emotional

I had many "ah-ha" moments today. It's making me very emotional.
I had a conversation with the mom I babysit for today. She came home and she was telling me about how they (the family) were already looking for another dog (since theirs died suddenly on Saturday). I started crying because I obviously am sad about Tucker the dog passing away. It was such a shock and it was so sad because he was still just a puppy. And it made me think of my dog Lucy, who we had to put down about a month ago because she had cancer. And so it was just an enormous amount of overwhelming emotions. I started thinking about all the other things I'm struggling with right now, with my eating disorder and anxiety. For a moment, I almost spilled all of it out to "J", the mom. In that moment I just felt I need extra support. But I didn't want to make that conversation about me, and I didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want her to feel like because I was struggling with food that I wasn't fit to take care of her kids. So I didn't say anything.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. I was early, and her client before me cancelled, so I got to spend extra time with her tonight, which was nice and much needed. We talked about how I need to find some passion in my life, so I can get rid of the false passion I have for my eating disorder. I am going to try out a church near me, that reminds me a lot of the kind of music and sermons I heard at Remuda. I'm excited to try that out! And also my dietitian approved exercise for me. And something that I'm really passionate about is gymnastics. I was a gymnast, a high level gymnast, for many years and I just loved everything about the sport. So I am going to be taking some adult gymnastics classes starting in a couple of weeks. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Of course I have some anxiety about that, but I think it's going to really good for me.  My dietitian reminded me that life with an eating disorder is not a life. That nothing will good from come from continuing to use behaviors.

So after leaving our session, I felt hope and encouragement for the first time in weeks. I left with the attitude of, "I can do this".  I just pray that it's not a temporary feeling and that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling completely exhausted, that the glimmer of hope will still be burning inside of me.

Defeated

I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.

I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.

I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.

Right next to me on the bed  is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong." 
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.

Is this a relapse?

It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO  well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.

Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.

Tears.

So I'm sitting here, and it's raining and thundering outside (which always relaxes me) and I'm listening to Hillsong United (one of my favorite Christian music groups). I'm trying to fight off the tears that I feel coming. I shouldn't fight them off, I know. I just want to get through this blog post.

I had a really awesome and intense conversation over dinner tonight with my second mom. First, you should know that she is my favorite person in this world. Very loving, very caring, very supportive, very motherly. She has known me since the 7th grade. She's seen me through it all pretty much. Anyway, I hadn't seen her in about a month because she was on vacation. I was anxious and scared to tell her about my recent struggles. I know she loves me no matter what, but I was scared she would be disappointed or frustrated. She was neither of those things. She reacted as she always does, with love and concern, but also hope. I told her my worries about being a bad friend lately. My worries of bothering my friends, my dearest friends whom I met in treatment. Who understand things that no one else on this earth can understand. I told her how I have pulled away from them, and held back the truth, in fear of triggering them, scaring them, worrying them, and pushing them away. I have desperately wanted to talk to them, hug them, cry with them, but I feel I am not worthy. I would NEVER be mad at them or disappointed if they were struggling, but for some reason I feel like they have every right to be mad at me. My second mom talked about how I need them, I deserve their love, and she is sure they would love to be there for me. I started to cry. I started to cry because I started thinking of my girls (Erin, Michelle, and Ashley). How much I miss them. How much I need them. In that moment I wanted to call them and pour my heart out. My second mom reached across the table and held my hand for several minutes, with tears in her eyes as well. She said, "I see your pain, and I know you don't like seeing me cry, but I care about you and I KNOW your friends do too." I don't know if I would have been able to believe that had she not pointed it out. The rest of our conversation was so helpful and instilled so much hope and life into me. I came home and called my friend Michelle and left a voicemail. I am going to call the other two girls tomorrow night.

(and here come the tears...)

 Erin, if you read this....I'm so sorry I haven't been a good friend. You mean the world to me and I love you so much. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

I'm on Day 1 (again) of no purging. It was a battle. I was forced to restrict in order to not purge. I really want that cycle to end. I am going to talk about it with my treatment team in my appointments tomorrow.

I got a bunch of blood drawn on Monday per my psychiatrist because I have been having a lot of distressing symptoms. My psychiatrist emailed me the results tonight and told me I have low Vitamin D and anemia. Nothing terribly concerning, and nothing that can't be fixed without vitamins and a proper diet. But still scary none-the-less.

There's a lot of other stuff swirling around in my head, but I'm too drained to type it all out. And frankly, I want to work through some of it with my treatment team before posting about it.

But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Day 1 and other thoughts

Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.

I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.

Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.

I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.

So, yeah. I'm just having  really shitty time right now and I suck.

I have to stop.

I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.

I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.

I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.

Spiral

You know, I'm not even sure how to write this post. There is a lot I want to say, but I'm not going to say all of it.

 I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.

Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.

I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.

I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.

My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.

Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.

But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.

Limbo

I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm stuck there. I KNOW what I need to do. But it is not that easy. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I've been restricting. I have come dangerously close to purging. I hate to admit it, but yes I have been trying to lose weight. I don't want to be triggering by saying that. It's just the truth. And at least I can admit that those are my intentions.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.

Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"

I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.

I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.

That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.