Day 1, start over again

Day 1 w/o self harm. Starting over again. I am not going to dwell on it, not going to feel guilty about it, because what good does that do? I'm just going to move forward at this point.

I had coffee with a really great friend this morning. When I told her about it she said something along the lines of, "The next time you want to do that, to harm yourself, remember what you feel like now, remember how bad you feel about it now, and that will motivate you to not do it again." I must say, that is very good advice and something I have never really thought about before. I acted out last night in a moment of desperation and complete misery and dissociation. But there really is no excuse. The second I had stopped doing it, I was filled with guilt and regret. And I do not want to feel that way again.

So today is Day 1. I am starting over. I can only move forward, I have no choice but to do that.

Frustration

Thanksgiving and my 4 days off from work were really good. Not going into the boring details, that's all you need to know.

I am flooded with frustration though. My laptop, which is a piece of shit, is about to die. This is probably the 445774 time it's almost died. This time might be it, and as horrible as it sounds, I don't know what I would do without a computer. I use it to write, to find comfort, to listen to music, to talk to people, to email, to communicate. And my blogs mean the world to me. They keep me going. My dad is upstairs working on it right now. I am praying to whatever God there is that he can at least get it semi functioning again. I want to scream, because I am so frustrated.

I guess the laptop crisis is one of several things making my frustration come to a boiling point right now. I am ready to fight my eating disorder. Wait, correction...I am fighting my eating disorder. But the thoughts are so powerful and so loud. I had a crisis in the grocery store today. I did not know what to buy. I thought about a meal plan my dietitian made for me years ago and the foods that she suggested I eat. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. My ED was telling me..."you will get fat, you will gain weight, you will be normal" And then there were things I wanted to buy like...for example, dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate, and it's supposedly good for you. But my ED was saying, "yes you WANT this, but you don't NEED it. Therefore you CAN'T have it." So of course I didn't buy it. I feel like crying right now, and I did in the grocery store too because it is so frustrating. I am as willing and motivated as ever to beat this ED, but it's harder than ever. But I've always heard that...that recovery is harder than the actual act of being in an eating disorder. It sure feels that way. I wanted to walk through the grocery store today and buy foods that I wanted to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to eat whatever I want. But my ED tells me I'm not allowed to. And right now, after two Thanksgiving feasts this weekend, I feel like I have to starve myself to "cleanse" myself from all the food I have consumed.

My cycle of restrictive eating all day long, and bingeing at night (although I'm not sure it's considered a binge) has been my daily ritual for years now. And I've never really seen it as that abnormal until recently. I've had co-workers point out my strange eating habits and rituals and it's really embarrassing. Normal eating is possible right? I mean, at one point in my life I ate like everyone else...so I have to be able to do it again, right?

I am so fed up with a friend of mine, although I don't think she's my friend anymore. I know I need to accept that either she doesn't want me in her life anymore, or something is going on with her that she feels like she can't talk to me...but it's burning me up inside. And I miss her. I'm angry, and I hate that I'm angry because it's not okay for me to angry about something that I don't know everything about. But I miss my friend, who I called my best friend in the world for many years. And I cannot understand why she flat out stopped talking to me. It blows my mind and I cannot wrap my head around it.

I am continuing to deal with the abuse in therapy, and have recently decided to disclose the abuse to my mom. This was at the suggestion of my therapist. I am concerned about it and a little hesitant, but I listened to what my therapist had to say about it and decided I should do it. I will most likely bring my mom into a therapy session in a few weeks. I have to talk all of this over with my therapist first.

I am also overwhelmed and frustrated with dealing with the abuse. New memories have surfaced lately, nothing of significance I don't think. But just thinks that are creepy to me and make me feel sick inside. I hate feeling so detached from all of it, feeling like I was not there. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at this point in time. I feel like my emotions surrounding it are numbed. I am pushing away anything that comes up and I hate it. I hate it so much.

Well, I thought this would make me feel better..writing all of this. But now I feel just as frustrated as ever and want to cry. My dad has gone out to get dinner and I am going to eat the stupid food like I need to and just ignore ED.

I need a hug, or something.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What I am thankful for:

- My family

-New friends (Karen, Mike, Emily, Alison, Landin, James, Marina, Ania)

- My dogs, Sophie and Lucy

- Having two jobs

-My incredibly amazing therapist

- Laughter

- Having hope again

- 2010 being a pretty fucking awesome year

- Having hope that 2011 will be 10 times better

- Being over 3 months purge free

- My body, for not giving up on me

- Spending this Thanksgiving with my favorite cousins

- All of those who have shaped my life and who I am in some way, whether in a negative or positive way

- My car (even though it needs to be fixed every couple of months)

- And just the power of love, of humor in rough situations, and having someone to reach out to when I need them, and being there for someone when they need me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

sick of it

*warning* this post may be very angry, over dramatic, triggering*

I am SO sick of my eating disorder. Like really fucking sick of it. Just sick of eating disorders in general. I hate them. I hate what it does to people, what it does to me. I am sick of constantly wanting to lose weight, to look emaciated, to have people comment that I have lost weight (when in reality, my weight is normal and healthy). I'm sick of wanting to restrict my caloric intake, of wanting to make myself look thinner anyway possible. Trying to wear clothes that make me look skinnier, holding my arm at a certain angle to make it look bonier or more muscular, trying to stick out my collarbones when people are talking to me. I'm sick of my hunger balance being completely off. Sick of wanting nothing to do with food, with being nauseous at the thought of food, but sometimes...food being every thing I can think about. Sick of having fantasies of being in a hospital bed with a feeding tube in my nose and an IV in my arm. I am REALLY sick of being jealous of anorexics, of how skinny they are, how their bones stick out. Why do I want to look like them so badly? It's so frustrating and destructive. I'm sick of wondering if the other eating disordered girls my therapist sees are skinnier than I am, sicker than I am, needing more attention than I am. And if they are? I want to be just like them. I'm sick of WANTING to be sick.

At the same time, I want to be healthy. I want to love my body. I want to eat 3 meals a day. I want to not obsess over my outfits and my make-up and my hair, and the way my nail polish looks. I want to breathe in healthiness and life and success. I want to be good at being good. And not good at being sick and unhealthy. I want to embrace my thighs (which I hate about myself). In reality I have very muscular thighs, but to me they are huge, so huge. I want to embrace my fat face, my imperfect teeth, my nose, all those things about myself I don't like and worry about and obsess over. I want them to be in the past and behind me. I want to focus more on the fact that I LOVE my eyes, I love the color of my hair, I love my small feet, I love my arm muscles.
I want to love me for me.

I want this eating disorder sickness and obsession to be DONE. It's been 7 years...I'm over it. But yet...it still consumes my life, and my daily activities. I am in no means as sick as I have been in the past, but things have been better than they are now. And I know things can be great. So why I am still holding myself back?

I'm so sick of being sick.

Alone

I feel so alone, I can't take it. This grief, this sadness, this emptiness inside of me hurts. I am fighting, I really am. I am eating more, but sometimes the anxiety is so much that I just can't. I know I have to fight through it anyway, but it's so difficult. The anxiety is crippling me.

And my emotions, they are everywhere. I am trying not to hold them back. I am trying to allow myself to feel and to cry and to hurt. And not numb and not use my eating disorder and cutting.

Therapy has gotten tough, but in a good way. I'm talking through trauma memories. I am acknowledging what was done to me...as hard as it is. Does anyone else struggle with this? Accepting that you were in fact sexually abused? That now you have to deal with PTSD and all that other crap? I sometimes have to pinch myself. I sometimes cannot believe it is me. 10 years ago is a long time. But it's affecting me today, in ways that it didn't affect me then. Back then, I went numb, I blocked it out. I denied. I forgot. Today...I am talking about it, remembering it, putting the pieces together. It's hard as hell. And it's a very lonely process.

I'm trying to do my deep breathing. It does help. I wish I had more hugs, more warmth in my body. I feel cold and untouchable.

And...I miss my best friend. But does she miss me? I do not know.

I'm all over the place right now.

Jason Mraz - Who I Am Today (Boston, MA 9/12/2010)

Relaxed

I feel relaxed tonight for the first time in so long. The day started out pretty stressful. I had therapy. We went through a chapter, or part of a chapter, in The Courage to Heal workbook. It was really tough, really embarrassing, and really overwhelming. I mean, it was very helpful, but it was hard. My anxiety, which has been through the roof lately, reached an all time high today. I felt my heart racing, my chest pounding, my brain was going a million miles an hour. I mean, it was ridiculous and on top of sleep deprivation, I felt like I was headed for a breakdown.

But then, I had a massage today. Now, this wasn't any ordinary massage. My new friend, whom I met last Friday at the RR event, is a massage therapist, and works with women with eating disorders. I have to admit I was nervous going into the massage. I wasn't sure if the touch (even though completely safe and trusting) was going to bring up memories. But it didn't. It was the most relaxing and...I can't even find the words for it, but it was an amazing experience. Throughout the massage I felt the stored up tension and emotions leaving my body. After K left the room, I started crying. And it wasn't bad crying. It was good crying. In my head I was saying, "Oh my gosh I feel so relaxed, I feel so free, I feel so pure. I don't feel stressed out like a crazy person and on edge and about to break." I felt emotional and physical release. And it was just what I needed. I sat with K and talked for a little while after wards. I have found a really awesome friend (who also taught me how to take deep breaths). Who knew taking deep breaths would be so hard? It is for me, but maybe not anymore.

I had a good cry on the way home, and it was needed, and it felt good. I went to lay down on my couch with a bottle of water in hand and I literally couldn't move. My body and soul felt relaxation!

Now I am in a completely relaxed state. Maybe this won't last forever, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel like an anxiety mess all over again. But this moment, these several hours of relaxation and peace have been JUST what I needed.

Lab results

I am Anemic and have a Vitamin D Deficiency. I need to take daily supplements of Iron and Vitamin D.

Is this my eating disorder catching up with me?

baby's black balloon makes her fly

It's 12:30am, and for the third night in a row I am having the hardest time falling asleep. My body and my mind are so tired, but at the same time, my brain is running a thousand miles an hour. And my breathing exercises, my distractions, are not working. I have my iPod in right now, listening to Goo Goo Dolls "Black Balloon". It's definitely a song of memories, the first time I heard it was my last stint at a psychiatric hospital back in 2005. Anyway, I decided to get out of my bed and come downstairs and write a blog. I feel like maybe typing out what is going through my head will put my mind at a little bit of rest.

It's been an intense, overwhelming past few days. Ever since my big breakthrough at the RR event on Friday night, my emotions have been...all over the place. I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel frustrated, I feel alone, I feel excited, I feel hopeful, I feel renewal, I feel loss, I feel...I feel. It's just everything you can think of. I have a tape of memories playing on repeat in my head. Memories of my whole life. Memories of growing up, of gymnastics, of the abuse, of the eating disorder, of my hospital stays, of Remuda, of school, of everything in the past 22 years I can think of. It's overwhelming, to say the least.

I'm not very good at dealing with so many emotions at one time. I tend to do self destructive things such as, not eating, purging, cutting, self medicating, etc. I made a committment to myself on Friday night to fight my eating disorder, and I am standing by that. My eating has improved since then. Even though I have urges to binge and purge, urges to skip a certain meal, or eat as few calories as possible...I am abstaining from those destructive urges. The urges to cut are so, so intense. But, as with the eating disorder behaviors, I have abstained from that as well. It is so very difficult, but I think so worth it. I keep thinking to myself how shitty I will feel if I decided to resort to destructive behaviors. So, I guess I am doing a good job of dealing with so many intense emotions. Although, I feel like a mess. The tears just want to keep coming. And honestly, crying is what I do when I'm not using my eating disorder or cutting. And I've learned over the past year that I need to feel my emotions, and not numb them. And that is exactly what I have been doing lately...letting myself feel. It's hard as hell, let me tell you. It's exhausting and I feel crazy almost.

I don't know how to describe what is going through my head when the tears start to come. It can be a song I hear, something I remember, a kind word or smile from a stranger or someone I know, the way the leaves are changing colors, anything really. I just feel...emotion. And I'm not numbing it. I don't know which is harder? Numbing yourself from everything, or letting yourself feel it?

Today I was numb, due to my poor decision of taking double the dose of my sleeping meds. I was basically high all day long. I'm not going to lie. I sort of enjoyed it...not feeling the tears sting my eyes, not having a tape play in my head. I was very disconnected and just going through the motions. "You're a mess", my friend said to me. Maybe jokingly he said it. Whether he was joking or not, he's right. I am a mess.

Yes, Friday night I made a very important committment and decision in my life. But I am not taking that back at all or saying I don't feel that way anymore. What I'm saying is...it has opened a door of memories and emotions. Which...I don't think is such a horrible thing, it just feels like SO much.

I want sleep to come easily. I want to give my body the rest it deserves. But how can you do such a thing when your brain doesn't want to rest? I need to constantly remind myself to take each day as it comes, and not worry and worry about tomorrow, and the next day, the next week...which is what I do all the time. Today is today. I need to deal with that now, and that is all. Period.

Deep breath in, and deep breath out. Close my eyes, and feel the peace and tension relief wash over me. I am going to do this.

My hope is restored

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of the documentary "America the Beautiful" tonight. I loved the film. I thought it was very informative and factual. Darryl Roberts did a great job with it, and it was an honor to hear him speak about it. I am very excited about his new film coming out in March or April.

After the movie was over, Darryl Roberts spoke a little bit about how he made the film and what it was like for him. He explained how he teamed up with Remuda Ranch to show his film around the country. Next, there was a feature that Remuda Ranch had put together about a woman who had been to Remuda Ranch and is now completely recovered. I sat watching this, having flashbacks of my experience at Remuda, and found myself beginning to cry. Tears my rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how hopeless I felt at my admission date, and how my hope that I can recover from my eating disorder has diminished over the past 7 years. I thought to myself, "Why is it taking me so long? Why have I not been freed from this yet?" And then, as the tears started coming faster and faster, I realized..."I can do this!" I thought back to my discharge date from Remuda, how much hope I had in me at that time, all the tools and skills and lessons from my 4 1/2 months there. I realized tonight, I CAN DO THIS. I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I will beat my eating disorder and I will be free from it. I have to do this. I have to fight.

Afterwards, I went up to one of the Remuda Ranch staff members that was there tonight. I told her how I was coming up on my 7 year anniversary, and even though I have never forgotten my experiences at Remuda, the girls I was there with, the staff that helped me, the tools that I learned and the lessons I took I away from it...I had lost my hope, and my will to fight. I told her..."I'm struggling with figuring out if this is as good as it's going to get. Before tonight, I thought I was hopeless when it came to recovery. " She said, "No. You will get better. You have to keep fighting, you can do this!" She was in tears, I was in tears. I told her, "I have never forgotten Remuda, and everything you did for me, tonight you restored my hope. Thank you"

My hope has been restored. I felt energy within myself for the first time tonight in...such a long time. I feel energy to fight. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have felt that way. Too long.

It is so ironic that this happened tonight because...I was having one my worst eating disordered days today in a long time. The struggles I had today, are heavily outweighed by what I feel right now...which is hope and energy and faith.

I just sent an email to Remuda Ranch...here is what I said...

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of America the Beautiful tonight. I was admitted to Remuda Ranch almost 7 years ago, and since then I have continued to have struggles with my disorder. I left Remuda Ranch with so many skills and lessons and have continued to carry them with me. But continued to be burdened by my disorder. But after tonight I can say that I have found hope again, hope for beating my eating disorder. I lost hope a long time ago, but it was the film, being in the presence of Remuda Ranch staff and alumni, that I found the strength inside of me, the hope that I can beat this. Thank you Remuda Ranch. You saved my life 7 years ago, and tonight, you once again helped restore my hope - Holly

Ick.

You ever get that feeling where you just want to rip your hair out and tear off your skin? I do. A lot actually, especially lately. I have concluded it's just my anxiety manifesting itself into...this.

Yuck.

I have a lot on my mind, not so much into blogging it though.

Edit:
I will blog tomorrow. It is a goal.

Lab work and other things...

I saw my psychiatrist today. He ordered some lab work for me to get done. He thinks I might have a Vitamin D deficiency, along with Anemia. I don't have time to get the labs done until Thursday. If he is right, this would explain all the fatigue, hair loss, bruising, etc.

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. I talked to him a little bit about how I have lost my best friend. How sad it makes me, how angry it makes me, how I am so confused by it all. But I realized that....life changes, people change, you can't stop it. It's just a part of life. So, I have to just be accepting of it, realizing we have moved apart and that I didn't necessarily do anything wrong (that I know of). It's kind of hard and hurtful when someone you have known for 7 years flat out stops communicating with you. I guess I should look at it as a sign that she no longer wants to talk to me or be in my life. Okay then. I guess I don't want someone like that in my life either. Not to be mean or anything, but would you want someone in your life, who didn't want you to be in theirs? At the same time, if she decides she wants me in her life again....I am here. Always.

I guess it's a blessing in a strange sort of way. At the time she left my life, a new person came into my life. And he has been a great friend. So, like the saying goes...when one door closes, another one opens.

I am going to a Remuda Ranch sponsored event here in Richmond on Friday. They are showing the documentary "America the Beautiful". I am pretty excited to see it. It will be cool to go to an event where Remuda Ranch reps will be. My 7 year anniversary of being admitted to Remuda Ranch will be this December. So, I think it is kind of cool to see how far I have come since then.

Songs I've added to my playlist recently:

"Keep the Streets Empty for Me" - Fever Ray
"Mean" - Taylor Swift
"Talula" - Tori Amos
"Haunted" - Taylor Swift
"Lost in the World" - Kanye West

Aspects of Healing

Aspects of Healing. That is the name of the chapter I am currently working on in The Courage to Heal workbook. And I have to say it's the hardest one yet. It asks you questions like..."what were your hopes as a child, and growing up? How were those hopes taken away from you?" It asks you in which ways have you been courageous, and what courageous means to you. There is a writing exercise where you are supposed to write for 20 minutes about how your hopes and dreams as a childhood were affected.

Obviously being abused affected my hopes and dreams. But in the midst of the abuse, I also was dealt the loss of gymnastics. I distinctly remember that entire process. Starting with the day my Mom took me to the sports medicine doctor to get X-rays of my feet, being told I had an injury that would not heal unless I quit the sport altogether, doing physical therapy, ice baths, and STEM treatments every single day, wearing a brace when I wasn't doing gymnastics. I remember it all so well. I remember my last day at gymnastics. How did I feel? I felt nothing. And I continued to feel numb for a whole year.

I guess I am realizing how traumatizing the second half of my 5th grade year was. Being abused, blocking it out because it was so terrible, realizing I was no longer going to be able to do gymnastics, finding out my parents wanted me to switch schools. At the time...I felt absolutely nothing. Today, I feel a very profound grief and sadness.

I wonder why I was so easily able to remember the loss of gymnastics, but blocked out SO much of the abuse. They both happened at the same time, I guess my brain just picked one of them to deal with, and figured I didn't have the energy to deal with the other one.

I am finding it really hard to finish this chapter in my workbook. It makes me so sad and just remembering what I went through, all the shit I went through, at that time...it feels too much.

Emotional Release

I feel such a strong emotional release right now. I had therapy this morning, which went well. I unfortunately am not able to cry in therapy, well not yet at least. So I left therapy feeling good, but at the same time, I held back so many emotions, that it came spilling out just about an hour ago.

The past few days have been pretty intense. I feel a lot of guilt, I feel a lot of...frustration at myself, and also...well just a big bundle of emotions. About an hour ago it was about to surface, and I couldn't think of anything positive to do...except go running. Well guess what? It's freezing outside today and pouring rain. But I went running anyway. And it was actually kind of fun. I ran, and ran, and ran. My clothes are drenched right now. Every time my foot hit the pavement...I imagined a negative emotion or thought hitting the pavement as well. And it worked. I released a lot of aggression, frustration, anxiety and anger. And now I'm sitting on my couch writing this and tears are pouring out of my eyes. Tears of sadness, of confusion, of loneliness, of helplessness, of fear, of everything you can think of. My chest feels heavy. I feel I am carrying such a load.

I think the reason this is all coming out today is because it's my first day off both my jobs in a while. So I have time to think, time to breathe, time to feel. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I actually think it's good because...I know it needed to come out. The tears have stopped now and I'm tired. But I feel better. Emotional release is good.

I still am unsure of how this situation at work is going to turn out. I hope it's positive. I want it to be. And I am going to make sure I do everything that I can do for it to be that way. But if the other person does not want it...then that's okay. At least I know I did what I could.

I am back to therapy every week now, instead of every other week. I don't think it's permanent. I just need it right now to...work intensely on some abuse issues. I have not made up my mind about trying EMDR. But my gut is telling me I should give it a shot.

The self-care has improved a lot. I am eating better, drinking more water, sleeping better, etc. I need to keep this up I want to work on the abuse issues. I can't be dehydrated and exhausted while working through memories.

Today has been a good day, despite the crying, which actually...was good too. I needed to cry. I had a productive therapy session, I had lunch with some great friends, I ran some errands for my Mom, saw my dogs, and bought myself a present. In The Courage to Heal workbook, it says sometimes you need to celebrate something positive you have done. I have worked really hard in therapy and with myself the past week, and today I rewarded myself. I bought some yummy smelling Coconut body butter. I can't wait to use it!

It's almost 4pm and I am about to do a load of laundry, do some cleaning, and then head over to my parent's house for dinner.

I work both jobs tomorrow, but then I am off again all day Saturday. Some family is coming to visit from out of town, so that should be fun.

Tomorrow I am also going to be talking to someone, about something (not wanting to go into specifics on here) But I'm just going to say I am going to keep a level-head, stay calm, but at the same time...speak my mind and my heart and hopefully resolve some issues and feel better in the aftermath.

Okay...so that's my epic blog for today.
Hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for all your support!

Forgiveness

I think I need to forgive. Yes hurtful things were said to me, and in the moment I was seriously scared for my physical safety. But not anymore. I need to forgive. I need to work this out. It's eating me up inside. I don't want to lose this good person in my life. I am thankful for one of my managers at work for helping me realize this.

I have the whole day off work tomorrow. I also have therapy tomorrow. This comes at a good time.

I think after therapy in the morning I am going to have lunch at one of my jobs because my friend is working the bar, then I will go for a run (much needed), run some errands, and of course go see my dogs and take them on a walk.

There's nothing like forgiveness, good friends, a great therapist, exercise, and puppy kisses...it makes everything better.

:)

I don't understand.

I don't understand how someone who I felt so safe around and trusted so much, could turn into a person I am afraid of.

I should not have opened myself up. I should not have trusted. I should not have done the things I did. I have to apologize to myself, because I trusted too much.

My walls are back up.