hole

Well this was an epic week. I am SO glad it's over. Let me just give you the run down.

My depression hit me hard this week. Really hard. On top of that, I was dealing with a ton of body image struggles and obsessive thoughts. I didn't really take the best care of myself. I struggled with restricting here and there. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I have had urges nearly every single day this week to binge/purge, but I haven't. I have stood my ground because I know bingeing/purging will make me even more depressed. It has been a week full of so many intense and overwhelming emotions. I have cried more this week than I have in the past 2 months.

Wednesday night I had dinner with my second mommy, Mrs. Robson. It was such an amazing conversation. She challenges my thoughts and cares about my emotions and what I am going through. We were both in tears at one point. I am able to vulnerable and honest with her in a way I am not with most people. I am not afraid to tell her things about me and my life, because I know she will love me and be there for me regardless. She's been there for me for 9 years and I have so much gratitude towards her. One thing we talked about on Wednesday night was the pain of my past. The pain from my abuse, the loss of my grandmother, and the loss of gymnastics. When all of those things happened when I was 11, I did not deal with them. It was when I went to Remuda in February I finally dealt with all of it and the pain I felt was so intense, and so raw. I still am dealing with that pain today. It comes from my core, a place so deep inside me. It feels like the pain and sadness will never stop coming. I told Mrs. Robson all of this. She said, it's not about moving on. That takes time. But it's what I do with the pain and sadness that is important. I have to choose to make the healthy choices, to live in the moment and not worry so much about yesterday or tomorrow. It's really hard, she said. But totally possible. It was hard to talk about this, but I knew I was with a safe person, so that made it easier. She told me a song that she said reminded her of me. When I got home, I listened to it and I was in tears. I have never had someone dedicate a song to me. I was humbled. The song is "Can't go back now" by The Weepies. Listen to it!

Thursday morning I had therapy. It was a good session, I guess. I brought up my trauma. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not just the abuse, but everything that happened during that time period...all of the loss I experienced in such a short time. I sometimes feel stupid that I have not been able to move on. But like I said before, that's not what it's about. It's about allowing myself to deal with the feelings. My therapist was completely and totally supportive about all of this. She said I could talk about it whenever I felt the need to. It made me feel a lot better to hear this. I think I am going to bring it up again next week. It's been on my mind SO much and I have been breaking down crying every night, having flashbacks. I have been feeling that deep pain in my core, and it hurts so much. I need to heal from this, and not feel so sad and hurt anymore.

This morning I saw my dietitian. I was really looking forward to getting a hug from her. She gives the best hugs in the world and knows how to help me feel better. I haven't seen her in two weeks. She's been sick and she didn't want to give whatever she had to me, so she couldn't hug me. It made me pretty sad. As soon as I sat down, she could tell how hard things have been for me lately. I was honest with her about how I have been restricting, at in one instance, over-exercising. She asked if I thought I had lost weight. I said no. And I guess she didn't think I had either because she didn't weigh me. I told her how deeply I hated my body, how bad I thought I looked. She told me I had "ED eyes". How I see myself is so distorted. She said, I had such a sick and malnourished body, as well as such a muscular and toned body for so many years. And now for the first time I am healthy, and I have to get used to that. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that I wanted to lose weight.

I pretty much left my dietitian's office in tears. The amount I loathed my body was too much for words. I wished I could have magically lost 10 pounds. I felt so depressed. So disgusted. So frustrated. The past couple of days I have had that feeling of wondering if recovery is really possible for me. I just don't know anymore. Some times I have these moments of how great things are now, and having hope that I will turn out okay one day. But lately it's just been really discouraging. Sometimes I think the ED voice will never leave. That I will never feel happy with my body. I just want to feel better.

Work today just dragged on. I wanted it to be 5:30 so I could go home and run. I was ready to go and run and I looked in the mirror and I broke into tears. I looked so big. I didn't want people driving to see my running and see how big I was. My thighs have cellulite on the front, sides, and back. It's repulsive. I ended up going running away. It didn't really make me feel all that better. I took a cold shower. I laid in my bed listening to music, trying to calm down. I took a Klonopin when none of these things made my anxiety go down. After about a half hour, I finally felt like life was a little more bearable. I went downstairs and watched a little TV. Soon after, the Klonopin took it's full effects and I went back up to my bed and passed out. I slept for 3 hours. Now I am feeling anxious again. I feel so gross and dirty. I am going to go shower for the 3rd time today. Ugh.

I just feel like shit. Sorry for the negativity. Maybe after this weekend I will feel better?

rain

Today started off pretty great. I met with my minister this morning. I was pretty nervous going into it, but I took a lot of deep breaths and I turned out okay. We had a really great discussion. I caught him up on my life and how my recovery is going. It was good to be reminded of how well I am doing, and how far I have come. From being on death's door 8 months ago, to now being alive in every sense of the word.

Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.

After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.

I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.

Alright. Time for bed.

Relaxing weekend except...

Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.

After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.

At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.

I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.

Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.

Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.

Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30

Anyway, that's all for now.

rough day

Well today was pretty rough. It's one of those days where I'm sitting here on my couch at the end of the day and it doesn't even feel like today happened.

This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.

The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.

I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.

My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.

Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/

eh?

I don't feel much of anything these days. Just depressed and wanting to lay in my bed, which of course I cannot do because I work all day. It's the time of year...I know it. I don't get why it's hitting me so early though. My slip up with self harm a few nights ago wasn't a fluke. I could feel it coming. And I am still having urges. I'm having ED urges too. I went to the grocery store tonight, to pick up a few things. Walking down the aisles where the cookies were, and the ice cream...reminded me of the days I would buy a whole pack of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream and eat it all and then throw up until I saw blood. It was not a pretty sight. I am so glad I don't do that anymore. But I have these...fantasies or visions of myself doing that, and finding comfort in it. I am glad I have not acted upon these urges, but I often wonder how long I will be able to go. I definitely plan on talking to my therapist about this on Thursday.

Things with food are going pretty well actually, considering how crappy I feel on the inside. I find myself not worrying about food as much, not counting calories or obsessing. Breakfast is still a struggle, but I have been doing better. Of course I am still disgusted with my body. I wish I could fix that over night. I have a body image workbook that my therapist wants to try. Maybe that will help.

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and it feels like I woke up from a coma. My head feels like a ton of bricks. Even though I'm not as tired as I was before the nap, I physically feel crummy. It sucks. I really wish that tomorrow would go by super fast, so that Thursday morning would come quicker.

My minister from my church emailed me last week to see how I was doing. He has known about my struggles since my first hospital stay when I was 14. He offered for me to come by church one day and sit down with him and have a talk. I'm thinking I am going to take him up on that offer. He is one of very few men in this world that I trust and feel safe with. My church is pretty much in the middle of the country, with a few houses around it. It's a white building, with a beautiful cemetery. I have always felt comfort at my church. I think right now would be a good time to take a visit. I could stop by Adam and Cindy's graves (two of my neighbors growing up. Adam killed himself a few years ago, and Cindy, his mom, died from breast cancer a year later). I think it would be cathartic for me to go visit my church.

Well this has been the most random blog post ever. It's almost midnight so I better go take my meds and get to sleep so I'm not too tired in the morning.

Day 1

I am now on day 1 of no self harm. I feel much better tonight. I texted my therapist today and told her about it. I was really nervous that she was going to get mad. But she wasn't. She was really concerned though. She helped me put together a plan for tonight to stay safe. I had dinner by myself tonight, instead of with my parents...because they have been stressing me out lately. I went to the library and got some new books, then I went to the grocery store and got dinner and some other things I needed, and now I'm sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. I suddenly got really tired when I sat down, and the day is catching up with me. I had a full day of work. My shift at the restaurant wasn't too busy, and then today with the kids was pretty easy. The youngest one made me play football and basketball with him, which I am sure is one of the reasons I am so tired. And then me and one of the girls made chocolate chip cookies from scratch which were delicious! So, it was a good day.

I am really thankful for the support from Erin last night. I wished I would have texted her before I self-harmed, but I am glad she was there for me afterwards. I don't have many people I can tell those things too. I am glad she understands on some level.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I have a massage in the morning which I am SO looking forward to. My friend Karen is giving me the massage and so it will be good to see her and talk to her as well. I know her words will help me feel better. That's really the only exciting thing happening tomorrow, but it should be enough to get me through the day.

Wednesday is going to be boring. Thursday I have therapy (thank God) and Friday should be boring too. But this weekend I am going out of town with my family and I am SO excited. I can't even explain the place because it is so wonderful. It's called The Homestead. But it's a 5 star resort in the mountains with a spa, indoor and outdoor pool, horseback riding, tea time (yes, they schedule a time for tea), really beautiful scenery, and super comfortable bed. It's going to be great!

Anyway, that's it for now!

Well shit.

I don't even want to write what I'm about to write. But here it goes.

I just relapsed with self-harm. I could feel it coming for the past several days. I wanted to desperately to fight it. But it was one of those instances where I could think of nothing else, and it was if my body was frozen in time. I almost self-harmed last night, but texted my therapist and she talked me out of it. I didn't even text my therapist this time. I just had to do it. I know that is stupid fucking thing to say. I was so miserable though. I felt stupid, ugly, fat, gross, dirty, out of control, alone, depressed, ashamed, etc. It was too much. I could not get over the disgust I feel about my body. I hate saying "no one understands", but that's how I truly feel sometimes. I have been at a consistent weight the past 8 years. Unhealthy weight at times, but consistent. I have always been toned and super muscular; a body every one wants. And since entering recovery, I know longer have that body and it hurts. I was at a healthy weight 10lbs ago. Yet I continued to gain. Everyone says your body takes a while for your weight to even out. Yet I have either kept gaining, or maintained. I want to be in the weight range the dietitians at Remuda gave to me. I want to lose weight.

But tonight was not about losing weight. It was about the torture inside my head. I have been so depressed the past few days. Do I feel better after cutting? Honestly...yes, I do. I know this will make everyone on my treatment team sad and disappointed, and that kills me. As bad as it sounds, I am really glad I did not purge. If I had purged, I think I would have felt a lot worse. Yes, I do feel bad about cutting. But it's not something I have had to work as hard at as cutting.


I know this is just a slip, not a relapse. I can choose where I go from here. And I choose to not slip up. I will tell my therapist. I will text her tomorrow. I will move on.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.