rain

Today started off pretty great. I met with my minister this morning. I was pretty nervous going into it, but I took a lot of deep breaths and I turned out okay. We had a really great discussion. I caught him up on my life and how my recovery is going. It was good to be reminded of how well I am doing, and how far I have come. From being on death's door 8 months ago, to now being alive in every sense of the word.

Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.

After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.

I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.

Alright. Time for bed.