rough day

Well today was pretty rough. It's one of those days where I'm sitting here on my couch at the end of the day and it doesn't even feel like today happened.

This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.

The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.

I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.

My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.

Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/