I don't even want to write what I'm about to write. But here it goes.
I just relapsed with self-harm. I could feel it coming for the past several days. I wanted to desperately to fight it. But it was one of those instances where I could think of nothing else, and it was if my body was frozen in time. I almost self-harmed last night, but texted my therapist and she talked me out of it. I didn't even text my therapist this time. I just had to do it. I know that is stupid fucking thing to say. I was so miserable though. I felt stupid, ugly, fat, gross, dirty, out of control, alone, depressed, ashamed, etc. It was too much. I could not get over the disgust I feel about my body. I hate saying "no one understands", but that's how I truly feel sometimes. I have been at a consistent weight the past 8 years. Unhealthy weight at times, but consistent. I have always been toned and super muscular; a body every one wants. And since entering recovery, I know longer have that body and it hurts. I was at a healthy weight 10lbs ago. Yet I continued to gain. Everyone says your body takes a while for your weight to even out. Yet I have either kept gaining, or maintained. I want to be in the weight range the dietitians at Remuda gave to me. I want to lose weight.
But tonight was not about losing weight. It was about the torture inside my head. I have been so depressed the past few days. Do I feel better after cutting? Honestly...yes, I do. I know this will make everyone on my treatment team sad and disappointed, and that kills me. As bad as it sounds, I am really glad I did not purge. If I had purged, I think I would have felt a lot worse. Yes, I do feel bad about cutting. But it's not something I have had to work as hard at as cutting.
I know this is just a slip, not a relapse. I can choose where I go from here. And I choose to not slip up. I will tell my therapist. I will text her tomorrow. I will move on.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.
Oh no. At least you realize it was just a slip. No reason you can't pick yourself up and keep going. I think it is normal to slip up a bit and I get your fears that you will keep gaining weight. I feel the same at times. Eating disorder recovery is so hard. I still feel alone and depressed at times and I have been going at this shit for four years. But I do have times when I am much happier than when I was in my ED.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are going to call text your therapist. I think that is a smart idea.
Hang in there. Will keep you in my thoughts.
Shelly
This made me cry, Holly :(
ReplyDeleteI hate that you have so much negativity going through your mind. I wish that you could see the beautiful, wonderful, funny, caring and amazing person that you are that everyone else around you sees.
I am glad that you are able to recognize that this is a SLIP. Not a relapse, just a little road bump. It happens to everyone, including me. The most important thing you can do is to just move past it and reach out to those who care for you. I am so, so, so proud of you for being able to talk to me about this last night. I know that was probably one of the last things that you wanted to do, but you did the best thing. Talking to your therapist is such a great idea. I hope that doing that will being you some relaxation and clarity.
If you need to talk, please text me and I will get back to you in between my classes.
Stay strong and I love you so much, Holly