hole

Well this was an epic week. I am SO glad it's over. Let me just give you the run down.

My depression hit me hard this week. Really hard. On top of that, I was dealing with a ton of body image struggles and obsessive thoughts. I didn't really take the best care of myself. I struggled with restricting here and there. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I have had urges nearly every single day this week to binge/purge, but I haven't. I have stood my ground because I know bingeing/purging will make me even more depressed. It has been a week full of so many intense and overwhelming emotions. I have cried more this week than I have in the past 2 months.

Wednesday night I had dinner with my second mommy, Mrs. Robson. It was such an amazing conversation. She challenges my thoughts and cares about my emotions and what I am going through. We were both in tears at one point. I am able to vulnerable and honest with her in a way I am not with most people. I am not afraid to tell her things about me and my life, because I know she will love me and be there for me regardless. She's been there for me for 9 years and I have so much gratitude towards her. One thing we talked about on Wednesday night was the pain of my past. The pain from my abuse, the loss of my grandmother, and the loss of gymnastics. When all of those things happened when I was 11, I did not deal with them. It was when I went to Remuda in February I finally dealt with all of it and the pain I felt was so intense, and so raw. I still am dealing with that pain today. It comes from my core, a place so deep inside me. It feels like the pain and sadness will never stop coming. I told Mrs. Robson all of this. She said, it's not about moving on. That takes time. But it's what I do with the pain and sadness that is important. I have to choose to make the healthy choices, to live in the moment and not worry so much about yesterday or tomorrow. It's really hard, she said. But totally possible. It was hard to talk about this, but I knew I was with a safe person, so that made it easier. She told me a song that she said reminded her of me. When I got home, I listened to it and I was in tears. I have never had someone dedicate a song to me. I was humbled. The song is "Can't go back now" by The Weepies. Listen to it!

Thursday morning I had therapy. It was a good session, I guess. I brought up my trauma. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not just the abuse, but everything that happened during that time period...all of the loss I experienced in such a short time. I sometimes feel stupid that I have not been able to move on. But like I said before, that's not what it's about. It's about allowing myself to deal with the feelings. My therapist was completely and totally supportive about all of this. She said I could talk about it whenever I felt the need to. It made me feel a lot better to hear this. I think I am going to bring it up again next week. It's been on my mind SO much and I have been breaking down crying every night, having flashbacks. I have been feeling that deep pain in my core, and it hurts so much. I need to heal from this, and not feel so sad and hurt anymore.

This morning I saw my dietitian. I was really looking forward to getting a hug from her. She gives the best hugs in the world and knows how to help me feel better. I haven't seen her in two weeks. She's been sick and she didn't want to give whatever she had to me, so she couldn't hug me. It made me pretty sad. As soon as I sat down, she could tell how hard things have been for me lately. I was honest with her about how I have been restricting, at in one instance, over-exercising. She asked if I thought I had lost weight. I said no. And I guess she didn't think I had either because she didn't weigh me. I told her how deeply I hated my body, how bad I thought I looked. She told me I had "ED eyes". How I see myself is so distorted. She said, I had such a sick and malnourished body, as well as such a muscular and toned body for so many years. And now for the first time I am healthy, and I have to get used to that. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that I wanted to lose weight.

I pretty much left my dietitian's office in tears. The amount I loathed my body was too much for words. I wished I could have magically lost 10 pounds. I felt so depressed. So disgusted. So frustrated. The past couple of days I have had that feeling of wondering if recovery is really possible for me. I just don't know anymore. Some times I have these moments of how great things are now, and having hope that I will turn out okay one day. But lately it's just been really discouraging. Sometimes I think the ED voice will never leave. That I will never feel happy with my body. I just want to feel better.

Work today just dragged on. I wanted it to be 5:30 so I could go home and run. I was ready to go and run and I looked in the mirror and I broke into tears. I looked so big. I didn't want people driving to see my running and see how big I was. My thighs have cellulite on the front, sides, and back. It's repulsive. I ended up going running away. It didn't really make me feel all that better. I took a cold shower. I laid in my bed listening to music, trying to calm down. I took a Klonopin when none of these things made my anxiety go down. After about a half hour, I finally felt like life was a little more bearable. I went downstairs and watched a little TV. Soon after, the Klonopin took it's full effects and I went back up to my bed and passed out. I slept for 3 hours. Now I am feeling anxious again. I feel so gross and dirty. I am going to go shower for the 3rd time today. Ugh.

I just feel like shit. Sorry for the negativity. Maybe after this weekend I will feel better?