eh?

I don't feel much of anything these days. Just depressed and wanting to lay in my bed, which of course I cannot do because I work all day. It's the time of year...I know it. I don't get why it's hitting me so early though. My slip up with self harm a few nights ago wasn't a fluke. I could feel it coming. And I am still having urges. I'm having ED urges too. I went to the grocery store tonight, to pick up a few things. Walking down the aisles where the cookies were, and the ice cream...reminded me of the days I would buy a whole pack of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream and eat it all and then throw up until I saw blood. It was not a pretty sight. I am so glad I don't do that anymore. But I have these...fantasies or visions of myself doing that, and finding comfort in it. I am glad I have not acted upon these urges, but I often wonder how long I will be able to go. I definitely plan on talking to my therapist about this on Thursday.

Things with food are going pretty well actually, considering how crappy I feel on the inside. I find myself not worrying about food as much, not counting calories or obsessing. Breakfast is still a struggle, but I have been doing better. Of course I am still disgusted with my body. I wish I could fix that over night. I have a body image workbook that my therapist wants to try. Maybe that will help.

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and it feels like I woke up from a coma. My head feels like a ton of bricks. Even though I'm not as tired as I was before the nap, I physically feel crummy. It sucks. I really wish that tomorrow would go by super fast, so that Thursday morning would come quicker.

My minister from my church emailed me last week to see how I was doing. He has known about my struggles since my first hospital stay when I was 14. He offered for me to come by church one day and sit down with him and have a talk. I'm thinking I am going to take him up on that offer. He is one of very few men in this world that I trust and feel safe with. My church is pretty much in the middle of the country, with a few houses around it. It's a white building, with a beautiful cemetery. I have always felt comfort at my church. I think right now would be a good time to take a visit. I could stop by Adam and Cindy's graves (two of my neighbors growing up. Adam killed himself a few years ago, and Cindy, his mom, died from breast cancer a year later). I think it would be cathartic for me to go visit my church.

Well this has been the most random blog post ever. It's almost midnight so I better go take my meds and get to sleep so I'm not too tired in the morning.