Rainy weather usually relaxes me, helps me sleep better, puts me in a pretty good mood. But these past few days have been pretty much non stop rain and I have been a hot mess. I started my new job and am working full time now. This new schedule is wearing me out. My feet and my knees are killing me, and I am just exhausted by 6pm every day. I thought that being busy would lessen my obsessive thoughts, but sometimes it seems to have gotten worse. I cried getting dressed this morning and driving to work. Cried. I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable in every thing I put on. I now only have one pair of pants that fit me, which are the new jeans I bought 2 months ago. None of my jeans or cords from last fall/winter will go past my knees. My shirts have also gotten to the point where they are too tight. It's really miserable. I mean, I just have so much inner turmoil going on. Nothing I wear is comfortable or feels good. I told my Mom about all of this today and she is going to take me shopping this weekend. Thank God. I feel like if I at least have clothing that I feel comfortable in, and that I think looks good on me, then my mood will improve a little bit.
I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.
I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.
Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.
I'll update after the weekend probably.
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