I am all out of sorts. My brain feels all mushy. Nothing feels right. My hair is wrong, my clothes are wrong, my make-up is wrong, etc. Everything just feels so off. I know a lot of this is my OCD. And I was hoping that now that my days are going to be filled with work, I would not concentrate on my body and all my little obsessions so much. And, yes...today was better than it has been. But at night time is when it is the worst. I suppose that is why I have been taking naps at night. Falling asleep at 8ish and waking up at 11. And then going back to sleep an hour later. I just want to avoid my feelings and my obsessive thoughts and compulsions. My therapist says when I have the urges to do compulsions, the best thing to do is NOT do them. It is so hard! When your brain is screaming do this or do that, you have to just sit there and let it pass. And it does eventually, but it sucks.
The more I go out in public, the fatter I feel. Every girl that passes by is smaller than me. I look at them and think, "I used to look like that". Now I am normal and filled out. I am not wanting to be emaciated again and underweight like I was before. I want my toned, athletic body back. And that has me really motivated to keep up a strict workout regiment, without going overboard of course. Okay, enough fat talk.
I also feel this sense of...loneliness and sadness. Almost like I want to be nurtured and taken care of. I don't get why these feelings pop out of nowhere.
I feel guilty for writing such a depressing blog post. But I really needed to vent my feelings, get them off my chest.
Okay, time for bed. New day tomorrow.
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