feelings

I've been focusing so much on food, weight, my body, over the past week, and have totally been avoiding any feeling about the abuse. My goal for the next two weeks was to "try out" being angry at him. I honestly have purposely avoided doing it, and also forgotten about it. But yesterday, and today...I have been doing better with food, and the abuse has come up. The main feeling that comes up 100% of the time is sadness. An overwhelming sadness. I used to never cry about it, and now I do whenever I think about it. Right now I'm thinking anger in my head. Like, okay get angry. It doesn't come. It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. And I'm so frustrated right now because...why can't I get angry? I'm supposed to be right? I guess I'm angry that I can't get angry. Does that count? Probably not. I feel confused too. Because sometimes I think I start to get angry..and then I stop myself. I don't know why I do that. I'm so angry at myself. I AM angry, but not for the right reasons, it seems. I keep thinking about that first time...in the empty classroom. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. And then I think about that time in the basement...I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life. So when is the anger going to come? I know what I should be angry about...but i can't feel it