wowza

So, I feel like a lot is going on. But don't I always feel that way? Let me take a big deep breath before I start writing all of this out.
Where to begin?

First of all, last week at work I witnessed a theft. A customer in the store had her purse snatched. I saw the whole thing happen. I saw the man walk in the door, walk all the way around the store, snatch her purse (the woman was 9 months pregnant) and run out the door. I got a pretty good look at his face. After the incident occurred (my manager called 911) I was interviewed by the police, wrote my statement and gave them my contact info. I had to write my statement again to give it to the Panera people. And then today at work, two robbery detectives showed up and I was shown a photo line-up and I picked out the guy. (or at the least the guy I'm positive was him) The detectives did not tell me whether or not I picked out the right guy. So, I don't know what the next step is from here. I again gave them my contact info. Hopefully I won't have to like...testify in court or anything. Anyway, reflecting back on the whole thing...it was pretty terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. I felt so badly for the woman, I was scared that she possibly could go into early labor (my OB/GYN experience kicked in here), and then I thought what if he had come up to at my cash register and demanded money from me? Thank goodness that didn't happen. So...that is one thing that has been swirling around in my head. It's just been surreal. Feels like it didn't happen, but it did.

I am definitely having trouble with accepting the whole going to therapy once a week thing. I really am beating myself up because...it's only every other week right? I mean...why am I freaking out about this so much? So the answer to that question...well I think what happened is...the week before this decison was made that me and my parents could no longer afford weekly therapy, I had committed myself to really working on my issues. As scary as it was...I admitted to myself that I was ready and willing to work on my abuse issues. I am hesitant to work on my ED issues because I feel like...it's always been there for me (way more complicated than that, I know), but I am willing to talk about it and try things out. For me to make a committment like this, to really WANT to work on my issues is...HUGE for me. It's something therapists have been trying to get me to do for years. So, even though I know that I can stil work on my issues every other week in therapy, I feel somewhat defeated. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm also doubting myself as to whether I can do this, get through a week by myself. I admit...I need to work on being more independent and relying on myself more, but it's also scary as hell. I miss my therapist (hello Holly...it hasn't even been a week). I also struggle with...okay how long is this every other week thing going to go on? I need a timeline. I am going to work on getting more hours at work, maybe finding another full time job, or add a part time job on to the job I have.

Wow, okay that was a long paragraph. Still not done yet.

I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, etc. Lately I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go...there is some reminder of him and what happened. I keep seeing myself in that basement. Everything scares me. My chest tightens up every time I think about it. And it's impossible to not think about it.

I think I'm just about out of words. The eating is not going well at all. I just can't get motivated to eat, so lame. I am so ashamed of myself. I am better than this. Why can't I just get myself together? Why is recovery so hard and scary for me?

I am crying a lot and I hate it. I feel alone and I hate it. Frisbee is over and I hate it. I have no money and I hate it.

I am still journaling everyday and trying my hardest to reach out for help to my therapist and a few friends when I need it...but I also am scared and ashamed to reach out for help.

Okay, that's all for now. I will of course write more later.