I am triggered by everything lately, ED stuff I mean. Especially my sister. She does not have an eating disorder, that I know of, but if you looked at her...you would think she was anorexic. She is stick thin and everyone, friends, family, her boyfriend always talk about it. Telling her how skinny she is, how she's so bony. She recently had her physical and mom put her report up on the fridge with her weight and height on it, because...it's just so amazing that she's so thin! Ughh, it just bothers me to no end. I want to have her body. She has the perfect body. I used to be the "small" one, and now it's her..she's the small and skinny one. It makes me want to not eat. I'm triggered by calorie numbers, by the mirror, by everything. Ugh it's so annoying!
The abuse stuff has been coming up ALOT lately. I've been journaling, and doing my best to use my grounding skills and safe place. It's hard, especially night time. I just find myself zoning out and going back to that time without even realizing it. I guess i'm dissociating? I don't know. Therapy is only 5ish days away. I know it's going to be an intense session, i have a lot to talk about.
I've been sleeping a ton. I think it's depression. I also haven't worn make-up in a few days, which is so unlike me. I'm just lazy, not caring.
I want to avoid all this. I regret writing this all because..now I feel panicked. ugh.
Ugh, your sister sounds just like my older brother, and how much twin sister used to be (then she gained a bunch of weight and now Ed is in heaven because of it). But my brother can eat and eat and eat and never gains anything, he is so thin. I know it's hard, but try not to compare yourself, darling. I'm glad you've been journaling and working hard to deal with the abuse, I really hope that it pays off for you. Please feel free to talk to me anytime! depression sucks :( just take a deep breath, I know you can get through this, you are strong and beautiful xoxo
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