Blah, I don't know what to write. My thoughts are so jumbled. I'm depressed, and anxious, and all over the place. I am crying every day. I hate that, I really do. Even without therapy every week, I really feel I am doing a lot of work on my own. I am journaling, making realizations on my own, dealing with the memories, the flashbacks. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. It's HARD. The only thing I am having problems with, not doing what I am supposed to be doing...is eating. Well..I mean I am eating...just not enough. My therapist said..."eat 3 times a day, I don't care what you eat, or how much, but just have something 3 times a day" And, it's just so difficult. I think back to when I was at Remuda, how much I ate then (I still think they fed us too much there). And I was able to eat that food (most of the time) and I was able to do it when I got home, and for some time afterwards. But something is stopping me from doing it now. Fear of gaining weight, yes? Of course. Even though my weight is technically stable and healthy, I don't want to gain weight. I realize my metabolism is fucked. I want that to change. I honestly feel I could lose a few pounds and I wouldn't be in any danger. I would still be in my weight range. I know I just have to grow a pair and just eat the stupid food 3 times a day, but I do admit there is a lot of fear holding me back, and I guess I just need to get over that too. *sigh*
My old job, might be able to offer me a part time position hostessing again. That would be awesome! Working two jobs would be exhausting, but I need the money so badly, and to get back to therapy once a week. And this other job could make that happen. I talk to my old boss about it on Wednesday, I will for sure let ya'll know about that.
I'm going to the river this weekend. SO excited. I love the water, I love the sun. I'm going with my family, who I actually enjoy spending time with lately.
The 2010 Visa Gymnastics Championships were this weekend. I am obsessed with gymnastics, I follow it very closely. It made me miss gymnastics so much. It's been 10 years since I had to leave the sport, but sometimes I feel like if I stepped back in to the gym, I could be right back at the level I was when I was 11.
Here is my favorite routine (and gymnast) from this weekend.
It's going to be hard. It's this horrid hardness that makes you strong. I know that sounds so damn cheesy but it's true. You've got the strength to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about food and weight that you do. I wish there were just a simple switch we could turn on and off and stop obsessing or thinking what we know is probably not rational. Don't beat yourself up over it!
You can do this!!! i hope your day goes alright :)
TAKE CARE <3 stay strong
I am going through the exact same confusion right now, so i feel your pain and annoyance. But, seeing someone else write pretty much EXACTLY what I am thinking kind of made me come around to my senses a bit. We just need to eat the god damn food. I too, think back to IP treatment and ask how I was able to eat so much and now i have such a hard time. In IP though, the food is given to us, some of the hard step are taken away and we are with other people doing the same thing. Those elements, I think, make the process easier. But, the results are the same, food in=recovery. We can do this. Its the DOING that needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteHave a great time at the river and good luck with the job,
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