Courage

I bought this today. It was...kind of embarrassing to buy it. But whatever. I felt the fear and did it anyway. My therapist recommended it to me a year ago. But I never had the guts to buy it until today. I'm thinking it will be helpful. I know some people who have done it and said it's helped. So, I have hope it will help me too.

I also have decided to go ahead and give EMDR a try. Obviously I still want to hear more about it from my therapist. But I have heard good things about it, and I will never know if it helps or not until I try, right?

I feel like I'm in this phase (finally) where I am ready to deal head-on with my abuse. For the past month and a half I have been doing some really hard work and I really feel I am ready. Maybe I have been ready for a while now, but I think I am just now realizing it. It's exhausting.

My therapist said to me last week that rape and sexual abuse is not about sex, that it's about power. I never thought about that before, but it makes total sense. He had 100% power over me. I was a child. I could not consent because I was not old enough to understand. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It was not my fault, it was not my fault. Maybe I don't believe that all the way yet, but I know I will one day. Right?

I am amazed at myself, quite honestly. When I look back to a year ago, where I was (in all aspects of my life, really) but especially pertaining to healing from my abuse...I have come so far. I really have. It is so hard so much of the time. But someone once told me it will be worth it. I believe that now.

Okay...breathe.