Happy Heart

My heart is so happy tonight. The day did not start off like this though. I woke up this morning very grumpy and quite honestly depressed. I was exhausted beyond words and didn't know how I was going to make it through a double shift at one of my jobs. I felt like crying. In fact I did cry. But throughout the day I tried to ignore the exhaustion that had set in my bones and every cell of my body, and think positively. I said things to myself such as, "I am going to make good money today. I am going to get to spend a couple hours with my Mom today. I get to work with some of my favorite people today". And so I started feeling more energetic, more positive.

At my second shift at work tonight, we were getting slammed. And I mean slammed. We had a two page wait list for two hours. It was crazy and somewhat stressful, but totally do-able and manageable. In this middle of this craziness, I looked at the door, where a line of about 10 people stood, and saw Jessica. Jessica is my old therapist. I stopped seeing her a year ago and started seeing a new one. I saw Jessica for therapy for 5 years. She saw me through a lot, got me through a lot, and basically watched me grow up in a lot of ways. I patted her on the shoulder and she turned around and we both grinned at each other (probably the cheesiest grins you ever have seen). I barely saw her face. Instead I threw my arms around her and squeezed her so tight (she did the same back). She hugged me so tight she practically picked me off the ground. I cannot describe how happy I was in that moment. How glad I was to see her. How much joy filled my heart. She told me how great I looked. I didn't really get a chance to talk to her because we were so busy. But she asked how my jobs were going and I told her that I don't have a day off and said something about how much I knew she liked the idea of that!

My relationship with Jessica, which was complicated and at times unhealthy, never stopped me from realizing how much she helped me over the years. It has been nearly a year since I stopped seeing her, and what makes me so happy, what make my eyes fill with tears of joy, is knowing how far I have come. Not just in this past year, but in 5 years. Things are not perfect, and I would not say I am "happy". I mean, I do feel happiness. But I am in a such different and good place in my life than I have ever been. And I know I could not have gotten to this place without the help of my current therapist, my family, and a few friends. But I definitely could not have gotten to this place without Me, Myself and I. I am proud of myself. Yes, I have so much more work to get done, so much further to go. But to compare myself a year ago, heck..even 6 months ago. I have changed, I have grown. And I cannot help but feel I owe so much of my current happiness and growth to Jessica. When I saw her tonight, and still now, all the negativity and yuckiness in my life flooded out of me. I feel so good right now. It's crazy!

So, my heart is happy tonight. I am so exhausted, ready for a good night's sleep. But I feel positive. I feel hopeful.