dead

I feel dead inside. I have no energy, no drive, no excitement. I am just existing. Waking up, going to work, coming home, going to bed, waking up, going to work...it's the same thing every day. I have no life. Work has become my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I do not know how I am doing what I am doing. It must be the fact that I have to make money, I have to provide for myself. Without two jobs, I could not be doing that. I have come so close in the past couple of days to putting in my two weeks at one of my jobs. I get to that job, and it's like I get diseased. My head hurts, my body aches, and it's as soon as I walk in the doors of that job. It's such a depressing and exhausting feeling.

I have wondered why my energy has been so low, why I am tired 100% of the time. I sleep fine. Sometimes I sleep too much. But I have no problem falling asleep. I talked to my Mom about this and she thinks it could be depression. I didn't really think about that. I didn't think I was depressed. I just thought I was tired. But I think she's right. I am depressed. I mean...I don't really enjoy my jobs. It's not what I want to be doing with my life. I don't have any friends, really. I am working through some really hard shit in therapy, that while it's good for me and what I need, it's hard. I'm alone. I have many reasons to be depressed, and I think that's what I am...depressed.

My anxiety has been super high the past several days, to the point where I've had a few panic attacks. I think I am sort of freaking out about life right now. And with the mixture of being exhausted and having no fun or excitement in my life...I am breakable. I am breaking.

Next Saturday is an important anniversary for me, something I will blog about when the time comes, and I've been focusing on that way too much I think. I admitted something to my therapist about my past. Something I've never really talked about before, so I'm kind of freaking out about that too.

I think what I need to do is just...live day to day. I am getting way too ahead of myself and making myself anxious over things that...I don't need to worry about until they come.

But I need to do something about this depression, lack of energy, lack of life. I need to really commit myself to study for my MA exam, signing up for it, and looking into applying for a real job.

I need to get back on track. I've lost ground.