thank you and update.

First of all, thank you to everyone who offered me support on my last post. It really means a lot to me, it means the world actually. I do not have any real friends here in Richmond, but to know that you guys are there for me...feels good.

I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy. I wake up crying. I cry at night. I sometimes cry in the middle of the day. This whole, only going to therapy every other week, is really throwing me. I wish I was stronger than this, could deal with this better and not be so FREAKED OUT. I'm not even sure why I am so upset about all of this. But I think I have an idea. Last week I had committed myself to fully working on my problems, especially my trauma. And while excited is not exactly the right word to explain how I felt about working on everything, I was looking forward to...working on things, and feeling better. And I know I can still work on things by going every other week, but it's not the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I feel defeated. I don't want to be such a negative person and be all depressed and sad and everything. But I feel scared.

Eating is not going well at all. It's either, I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, I can't eat, or I don't know how to eat. I know that last one might sound strange, but sometimes I really forget how to eat. I know this whole not eating thing is a result of...well of a few things. The recent change in therapy, stress at work, stress with money, abuse memories, etc. If I don't make some changes with this eating...like eating 3 times a day like my therapist told me...then this could get really bad. It's been almost a year since I had a full blown relapse and was at my lowest weight ever, which caused me to lose my job at the time. I don't want that. But gosh, the ED really is a friend sometimes. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for saying that. And yes, I know...it really is an enemy.

Ultimate frisbee semi's are tomorrow. So pumped! I'm the most competitive person, and if we don't win and make it to finals...I will not be a happy girl.

We had a hell of a storm here the other night. Knocked out a ton of power lines. We have our power back, but now our AC doesn't work. That's really...annoying.

I saw the movie Inception last weekend. I loved it so much that I am going to see it again today...by myself. My parents complained that I should be saving my money. But I really want to do something that makes me happy and feel good. I feel like I need it right now. I feel guilty for going against what my parents want but...I'm 22 years old...I can make my decisions, correct?

Anyway...that's my venting for the day.

i need support.

I don't usually do this, ask for support. But I really need it. If you read the post below this one you will understand why. Just to confirm it...I will be only going to therapy every other week right now, until I afford it once a week. I woke up this morning crying. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. So, I need any support I can get. Thanks guys.

here's what happened.

I headed off to therapy. In my last blog post I wrote about how shitty my insurance is and that it does not cover mental health services (including therapy). So anyway, that was weighing really heavily on my mind today and I talked to my therapist about it. She recommended that I somehow convince my parents to pay for me to go every week for a month to work really hard on trauma work, and then if they/I can still not afford it, we will have to do every other week. Okay, I am just freaking out at this point, internally...not letting it show. Also I told my therapist about my recent struggles with restricting. She said for me to journal about what I'm eating each day, or what I am planning to eat, and the feelings surrounding it and whatever is going on that day. Totally do-able. Then, she said I need to start eating 3 times a day. Freak out starts happening. I have been eating only once or twice a day for a while now (not full meals) and bingeing at night. I have been using my eating disorder to numb my emotions. My therapist kept saying to me, "this is not about the food. you are not freaking out about the food. you are freaking out about fully dealing with your emotions." While I know she is right about that, I still am freaking out about the food.

So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.

At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.

I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.

My goals:

-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.

This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.

crisis

Things are really shitty right now. I can't really type it all out because I am crying too hard. But I will update later. Right now I just want to vent and say that I hate insurance companies!

struggling

it's my birthday tomorrow, which makes me hate myself for writing this post. i should be doing well and happy and positive on my birthday right?

I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...

which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.

Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.

Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.

realize.

I'm crying. Big fat teardrops are rolling down my cheeks. It keeps coming and coming. In my head are images of my 22 (almost) years on this planet. The good stuff first. Going to the hospital to see my little sister when she was born, learning how to do a cartwheel for the first time, trips to the mall with my grandmother, visiting my cousins in Maryland, spending my summer 24/7 at the pool, getting really good at gymnastics and winning beam at nearly every meet i competed in, loving the feeling of flying through the air in gymnastics and diving, family vacations at the beach, halloween, christmas, blowing out my birthday candles...such good and fond memories. I was happy, a very happy kid. Sure I had my issues with ADHD, but I was happy and full of life and potential. Enter age 11. Images of my body being violated, hurt, and abused. My last gymnastics meet ever, in pain physically and emotionally. Why? My talent and potential were taken away from me. Who am I? Numb. Lost. Depressed. I found a new use for scissors. Not in a good way. Reaching out to anyone and everyone who would listen to me, except my family. Just wanting to destroy myself, what I've become. Looking at the bottle of pills. I want out. Psych hopsital, is this really happening? Food, my enemy. Staring at the porcelin bowl. Never happy with the scale. Remuda Ranch, the desert, life long friendships, but the ED has become my identity. Still do not know who I am. The next 6 years are a repeat of cutting, eating disorder, being suicidal, therapy, and being flat out miserable.

And here I am...4 days away from my 22nd birthday. For the first time...realizing...no, really really realizing...I am the only one who can change myself. That I have to do this. I want to have babies one day, fall in love, travel the world, have an abundance of friends, and grow old and happy. I finally WANT to do this. But I'm scared. It's hard to see the end, a happy end. I struggle with..."do i even deserve this?" Do I deserve happiness and peace, when I have just wasted my time and other people's time for so long? Oh God, I want it so bad. I am ready. I will do what it takes. I want better.

things i have to repeat to myself

"I am safe. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm 22, not 11 anymore."

"Breathe, just breathe, Holly"

"I can do this, it will be hard and it will suck, but I can do this"

"Trust your therapist, she will help you through this stuff"

"I have the courage to heal"

"Close the book on the session we had today (anytime we talk about abuse in therapy). You can open it up next week in therapy."

"Do safe things, take care of yourself, distract yourself"

random thoughts

My dog Lucy


Some of these might makes sense, some might...it's just what is inside my head.

- the last time I was truly happy was when I was 10 years old. This needs to change.

-I live literally 2 minutes away from my parents, and yet I miss them when I go to my own house. I'm almost 22 years old, to me this is a problem.

- My birthday is on Monday. I feel so old.

- I do not know how to define the state of my eating disorder recovery. I guess I am considered "in recovery" but it doesn't really feel like it

- My oldest dog, Lucy, is 11 years old. And even though she is in perfect health and so energetic I constantly fear she is going to die soon and I don't think I could handle that.

- I need to make an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon. I am having a lot of pain and bleeding again. This needs to be fixed, but it's such an embarrassing problem.

- I have decided to really actually talk about it. I don't want to. But I know I need to. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

- I want a baby. No really.

- It's really hard to eat right now. I get hungry, and then when the food is in front of me, the hunger goes away.

-Ultimate frisbee summer league is almost over. This makes me sad. On Sunday, I got hit really hard in the head, very painful. Still have a headache. I think I might have had a slight concussion. Oh well, I have been hit harder.

- My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world.


- I want to go back to the beach.

back from the beach

Ahhh it was SO amazing at the beach, even if I was only there for 3 days. It was SO relaxing and beautiful and now I'm tan, and I came home refreshed and relaxed. I feel great. I did alot of thinking at the beach, soul searching if that's what you want to call it. Made some decisions that are good ones, and will change my life. I decided to start looking for a new job. I realized how unhappy I am at my current job. I feel it's the worst job I've ever had. I need to be somewhere and working with people that make me happy and not out of control anxious. I have decided to commit myself in therapy to working on the abuse. Last week I was done with it, not wanting to work on it ever again. But after talking to someone who has been through trauma and overcome it, she has inspired me to fully work on mine. It's going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.

So I have a busy week ahead of me. First round of ultimate frisbee tournament tomorrow night (so excited and pumped!) Work from 9-3 on Monday. Psychiatrist on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday, Frisbee again on Wednesday, and then work the rest of the week. My car is fucked up again so that sucks, don't know when I will get it back, but I have my sister's car for the time being.

Anyway, that's all the updates I have right now. My phone is turned back on (I kept it off while at the beach).

So here are some pics from the beach.

tears

Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail

I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.

I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.

I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.

Just a lot of crying.

lapse

3 weeks of no purging.

but...only 1 day with no cutting. yeah i had a lapse ( i had the word relapse).
i chose not to reach out to my therapist and instead use self destructive behaviors.
the purpose of my cutting worked though, which is scary and not good...i know.
i want to get back on track, but i am sick of feeling so many emotions at one time.
and cutting helps numb it.
i am out of town next week at the beach (so no therapy). I have to admit I am anxious about that.
but as much as i love my therapist and need her support, I have found myself very slowly starting to back away from her. this is a result from my relationship with my ex-therapist. i got so close with my last therapist and then we lost our connection and i had to leave her after 5 years (it's a really long and complicated story) , and i'm afraid of that happening again. I don't want to lose my therapist, so I think I'm sub-consciously backing away. it's scary getting close to her, because what if i lose her?

heat

I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.

The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.

The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?

I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.

It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.

Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.

breathe breathe breathe

So here's what happened yesterday.

Yesterday in therapy, I told my therapist what happened (about the abuse, from what I remember) from beginning to end. She asked me to. It was one of the hardest things ever. I have never said all of it out loud before, I have always written it. So it was extremely extremely difficult, just to get the words out. And then when I finished telling it, she asked me to tell her again. I told her I could not do it, that I was going to throw up. She told me to take deep breaths and that I could do it. And so I did. Again, one of the hardest things I've ever done. After telling it for the second time, I was seriously about to throw up, and so I told her that. She walked with me to the end of the hall to get a drink of water from the water fountain. I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall over. She rubbed my back as we walked down the hall. I felt better after the water. After that we talked about things completely unrelated. But I was trembling from head to toe. She talked me through deep breaths. A couple hours later I found myself in fetal position on my kitchen floor sobbing. Why did he do this to me? Why does it affect me this much? Why can't I pull myself together? I called my therapist, told her I was scared, that it was the hardest therapy session of my entire life. She said that going to work later would be a good distraction, and I could call her when I got home if I needed to. Well, I got off work at 10:30pm and was a mess, crying and what not. I called her and she told me I was so brave to do what I did today, and that I was going to be okay. I told her about my anger towards him, and she was so proud that I was finally feeling that anger. I went to bed straight after that convo. I woke up this morning, feeling like yesterday really didn't happen. I'm pretty sure I dissociated during part of the session. I'm just glad today is a new day. And that yesterday is over. And I'm going to work on my breathing (deep breaths) and I'm going to get through this.