I must be stupid for not being in my bed and falling asleep right now, considering how exhausted I have been this week. But, my head is churning out all of these thoughts so I figured it would be best to get them out before bed.
I went to a really cool event tonight. It's called Beyond Barbie: A Celebration of Real Women. An artist in our area is sponsoring the event. She takes photographs of nude women (tastefully done of course) and then paints them. Tonight was the opening of the event and I went with my friend Heather. I also went to support my friend Karen, whose portrait was featured. It was amazing! Each of the portraits had the subject's stories posted beside them. Some of the women said they felt very nervous while have their photograph take, while some of them felt so anxiety at all. It was cool seeing all of these paintings of women of all shapes and sizes. It was really powerful. My own anxieties and insecurities about my body popped into my head. I tried my best to enjoy the artwork and not focus on comparing myself to everyone there. I think I did a pretty good job. I long for the day when I can accept my body as it is, and not long for the body I used to have. It seems pretty difficult, but possible...I think.
Also at the event, was the leader of my support group, who is a dietitian in the area. Before I left, I pulled her aside and told her about some of my concerns with group. My social anxiety has been pretty bad all of my life. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in social situations, especially new ones. I started the new support group this week and it was SO hard to get through group. I was such a mess inside. So, I decided to inform my group leader about this tonight. She was super cool and understanding about it. She suggested I sit next to her in group to try and make me feel more comfortable, since she's the only one I know. I told her maybe checking in with me from time to time would help as well. I am so glad she knows about this now. I am hopeful that this social anxiety will lessen with time.
Night times have been horrible for me lately. I am getting more and more anxious about the impending cold weather and holiday season. Lately, at night time I have been experiencing waves of sadness and loneliness. Nothing seems to make them better. And what makes them worse is wanting a hug or to lean on someone's shoulder. It sucks that I don't have that, at least not at my house. I hope this gets better soon.
I am just so excited it's the weekend. I am so excited to sleep in tomorrow. And on Sunday. I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing. It's going to be great.
Well, that's about it. It makes me sad that no one comments on my blog anymore. I thought about making it private, but I don't think I will.
Everyone have a good weekend!
I'm so glad that you had a great time with your friends at the art event! It's great that you're getting out and doing more things; hopefully adding activities to your day will help talk your mind off things and just "stay in the moment" as dear old Mindy would say.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about comparing yourself to everyone around you. It must have been really hard to keep that in check at an event that was all about body image. I'm proud of you for doing your best. You have come such a far way.
Don't be afraid to ask for a hug when you need one, I know that most other people feel the same way and are just as shy as you are about reaching out to one another. If it will help you, there's no shame in feeling like you need to lean on someone.
I hope that group gets better for you. It's probably just because it has just started and you still need to warm up and get to know everyone. Just keep in mind that you all have at least one thing in common and that you can use that to relate to one another.
Stay strong and keep up your good work. You are doing so well and I am so incredibly proud of you and all the progress you have made. You are such an inspiration and I am so thankful that I got to meet you.