exhausted

Well I am just so exhausted I can barely muster up the energy to write this post. I am on week 2 of my new schedule and it's not treating me well. I could barely wake up this morning. I got in the shower and leaned against the wall and almost fell asleep. I had to guzzle a huge bottle of Diet Coke to wake myself up.

After I got ready, I met my friend Karen for breakfast. It was good to see her and talk to her. There is going to be an event here in Richmond this month and next week called Beyond Barbie, and one of the nights is about eating disorders and body image. My friend Karen will be speaking at it, and I am definitely going. It's going to pretty cool. I don't think Richmond has ever had an event like this before. I also asked Karen about the emotions she went through when she started gaining weight and had to buy new clothes (which I recently had to do). While talking to her about it I almost burst into tears. I don't really think I wanted to cry just talking about my new body, although I know that had a lot to do with it. I think a lot of it was saying my feelings out loud for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't have therapy last week, and I just haven't had anyone I could talk to about what's going on. I of course can blog here, and talk to my friends Erin and Heather, through texts, but saying it out loud is completely different.

Anyway, after breakfast I went to work at the restaurant. I had fun at work today. The people that were there today were a great group and so we had a lot of laughs. It made time go by faster, plus it was sort of busy. After that I went straight to my nannying job and ate lunch until it was time to go meet one of the kids at the bus stop. The kids were pretty easy today. Me and one of the girls made ice cream and that was fun. She loves to bake so I know I am going to have fun with her trying out all sorts of different recipes.

So, now it's not even 10pm and I could fall asleep right now. But I'm worried if I go to bed too early then I will sleep too much and then make myself even more tired.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I wrote my therapist an email a couple days back just basically venting all the things that were in my head. She said to hang in there and we will talk it out in our next session. I feel like my head is going to explode. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow morning.

It sucks that I am so tired because it makes everything else going on in my head be ten times worse. I just feel super overwhelmed, and it doesn't help that I absolutely loathe my body. I have thought about doing a body tracing in therapy. But I don't ask to do it because what if I do it and I am the same size on paper that I see in the mirror. I just can't accept my new body yet. I know I have to eventually. But...it's just so difficult to remain positive about it. I don't expect to have a child's or teenager's body. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I am a woman and I should have a woman's body. But this body does not feel right. It feels unnatural. I can't get beyond that. 10lbs ago I was healthy. Why can't I go back to that?

Anyway, I realize this was a super boring post. Hopefully after therapy tomorrow I will have more interesting things to say.